Thursday, April 9, 2009


I feel like it's been a few days since I've posted.  I don't know what to say, really.  I'm still miserable, still waking up every day almost wishing I hadn't.  The little "signs" from my son have really quieted down...and I don't like that.  I almost never catch the clock at 22 past the hour anymore, which I always have...and I definitely don't like that.  Just as I felt that Trevor was always with me and close to me, now I feel like he's slipping away.  I know that sounds stupid to begin with, because, well he never was really here at home with me, anyway.  But to me, I feel like he's fading over the past few days.  I want his little Angel spirit with me always!

Also, I had the most heartbreaking, terrible, horrifying nightmare of my life, the night before last.  I dreamt I was in a giant black "room" (felt like a black hole to me), and way on the opposite side is the tiniest bit of light shining on my son.  He's curled up in a ball, sitting on the floor and crying.  He's SCREAMING for me.  "Mama, HELP ME!  Why won't you help me?  Mama, please help me!"  Then these very tall, frightening "men" wearing all black robes and black wings come to me and say "If you speak, we'll hurt him.  If you move, we'll slowly and painfully kill Trevor"  They used his name!  The thing is, as much as I wanted to save my son, I physically couldn't move or speak.  Trevor just keeps saying, "Mama, why won't you help me?  Why won't you come save me?"  ...and I can't even speak to tell him that I can't even move!  But I manage to ask questions to these "men".  I ask who they are, "We're angels," they say.  I tell them "No you're not!  Angels wouldn't hurt my baby!  Where is Jesus?  He'll tell you.  He'll tell you you're not Angels!  He'll fix this! Where is Jesus?"  But they laugh and laugh at me, all the while Trevor is SCREAMING for me, and I can't help him.  They tell me, "if you wake up, Trevor dies."  So I try to stay asleep!  The weirdest thing is, I slept almost all day! It definitely ruined my day yesterday, I'll tell you that.  It was so real!  I woke up drenched with tears!  I don't know what that dream was about, but I sure as hell don't like it.

Then, the little "signs" from Trevor die down, and I stop seeing the 22 after the hour.  I just don't like it, at all.


  1. OH NO!!! The nightmares have come your way! I am soooo very sorry! I hope this will be the only one you have. The Devil has the weirdest way to come into a dream...and fight. He's probably upset because you finally are talking about Trevor and his life and his story...Don't let him! Continue to believe and look for the signs. Honestly, I don't get many signs, but when they do come, they mean that much more.


  2. I am so sorry that you had to experience that. Just know that Trevor is with Jesus and always will be. Jesus will take care of him and keep him safe. I am sure that nightmare was Satan trying to drag you down deeper but just hold on to what you know is true, that Jesus is with you and your son always.

  3. That dream sounds absolutely terrifying....the one thing that I liked about it was when you said, "Where's Jesus...He'll tell you!" See, even in your sleep, you know the Hope that is offered to you through Jesus Christ. Claim the power that is yours when you are His child..."Greater is He that is IN you than he that is in the world." Do not fear Satan or "forgetting" your is impossible to do. Trevor left a mark in your life that is not erasable. There's no doubt there is a spiritual battle going on during grief...fix your eyes, your heart, and your mind on Jesus and you will rest in His Peace. I don't really believe in "signs", but when you feel like those things are fading, just remember....Jesus is with you...and Trevor is with Jesus...they are together...and so Trevor will ALWAYS be with you!!

  4. Thank you all! I needed the reassurance today :-)

  5. Oh Sweetie. What an absolutely terrifying dream. I'd be screaming and in tears myself. It truly sounds like the devil is trying to get his grip into you *hugs and soft love* If you need to talk I'm here huni