What REALLY happened?

I feel the need to write tonight.  I don't know where to start or really what the exact topic is, but I have to get something out.  I've been thinking a lot about the night my son was born/died, and a lot doesn't make sense.  I'm starting to think that Trevor's father had ulterior motives, and maybe things could have been different.  I really was out of it on all kinds of medications that night; a lot of things are fuzzy.  Most of it, actually.  My ex was the one who told me a lot of what happened; and I'm beginning to wonder if he was totally truthful.  First of all, I know I did a lot of things to probably harm my son while I was pregnant:  I drank wine the night I found out, I drank a lot of coffee, I didn't go to doctor's appointments, for fear my Mom would find out, etc. He was a preemie, that's for sure; and that couldn't be Nicholas' doing.  But the only thing I'm sure the doctors told me was his weight, 1lb. 6oz.  Which, I'm coming to realize is almost too big to be a 22-weeker.

It was Nicholas who told me I was 22 weeks along.  Trevor could have been more developed than that; he could have lied.  Which means, my son may have been plenty big enough to put on breathing machines!  I've heard stories of 13oz. preemies who were put on breathing machines!  If that's the case, I almost wonder if Nicholas told them not to save our son?  I wonder if he thought it would be better for everyone?  I'm not saying he did it for malicious reasons (though he may have); he may have thought he was saving little man from suffering.  But in that case, even if I'm drugged, does the hospital have the right to do that without my permission?  My problem is, I wasn't coherent and before we got there we made the decision that we didn't want anyone to find out if Trev didn't make it.  So maybe Nicholas thought he was doing the right thing?  Or maybe, most likely...he didn't tell them not to save Trevor?

But judging from other stories I've heard, it makes NO SENSE for: a) a 1lb.6oz. baby to be only 22 weeks along, b) for a baby that size to have lungs not big enough to expand, or c) for the hospital not to take footprints/pictures, and give me no memory box?  It seems everyone else has those things!  I vaguely remember Nicholas saying "We don't want any evidence."  EVIDENCE?  That's what you call our son's footprints and belongings?  EVIDENCE!?!?!?!  Little things like that make me realize that maybe he didn't want our son at all.  What if he made the decision not to save my little Angel?  What if my son could have survived, even for a while longer?  What if Trevor could be here with me today?  

I know this all sounds crazy, but I don't know enough or remember enough to perceive what really went on that night.  I feel like a terrible mother for not knowing enough about my own son's premature condition to know what actually happened to him.  All I know is, I've recently lost trust that Nicholas is a good guy; and a lot of things about my son's death don't add up.  If you, readers, know anything like this about preemies and age/size/breathing machines, please let me know.  I would rather be hurt by the truth than not know what really happened to my son...