Monday, July 27, 2009

Stellan

Everyone, please pray for MckMama's baby boy Stellan!

He was born a miracle, and has been having trouble the past few days staying well.  He and his family desperately need your prayers!  So please, keep in in your thoughts.

Prayers for Stellan

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Quick Update & Random New Pic :-)

Me at the 311 concert
(the first one, LOL)

I don't have much time today, but I felt like I needed to blog a bit.    Subconsciously, I haven't been blogging on purpose, because my last post was the 22nd post I've written.  Every time I logged in, it would tell me, 22 posts.  I figured it was Trevor telling Mama he likes the new blog layout! ;-)

I guess you could say things are going a little better than my past few blogs.  Not that the pain or hurt or concern is gone; but maybe...just maybe...I'm learning to cope?  Maybe this is the point at which it gets easier?  (If, that is, that point exists at all.)  Then I feel guilty, though, for not being depressed all the time.  I feel guilty for going an hour without missing my son so much it hurts.  I feel guilty for not crying when I think that he's not here; for smiling when I realize he's in his own little mansion in Heaven.  I know that's what Trev would want me to do; smile.  But somehow I feel like I'm losing the bond I've had with him for so long now.  I feel like he's no longer the first thing I think about when I wake up; or the last thing before I fall asleep.  He should be!  Right?  I also haven't even thought about my recent miscarriage.  I did write to Austin, letting him know what happened because it's his right to know.  But I feel guilty for almost being "over it".  I mean, I'm certainly not okay with it, and there are days where I go "Okay, so today I should be 9 weeks pregnant, and instead I'm drinking margaritas," but it's not eating me alive like I think it should be.

Overall, I think it's just been so long since I was happy, or at least okay, that it doesn't feel right.  Maybe I'm just having a good week...and I'm sure there will be bad weeks to come.  But maybe my life really will turn around this time.  Maybe I will learn to remember my son and not cry all the time.  Maybe I will, in a way, "move on" (to the best of a Baby Lost Mama's ability, anyway).  I'm just not sure I want to, or that I'm ready to, yet.