Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Secret Garden Meeting - September

What has helped you throughout this new life the most? Is it your family? Your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. Please feel free to share photos,videos, websites, support group information and so on.

There are two answers to this, for me. The first is music; only because it was in this order that my life after Trevor was saved. For the longest time, I was unable to speak of my son. I was unable to react in public when someone said the name "Trevor". I was unable to sit there and cry like a girl (and I was just a girl) who has lost her son (see the post, "How My Angel Earned His Wings" if you're confused). So I drowned myself in music. I have quite a few songs that remind me of Trevor. First and foremost has always been Hanson's "Broken Angel" (hence, the name of my blog). I will post the lyrics to this song at the end of this post. It can be sad and hard to hear/read at times, but it's perfect for me, and my son's story. There are a million other songs/artists that, before Trevor was born, never made me think twice that it could be about someone's child. Songs that I've always loved now take on new meaning in light of losing my baby boy. For example, "Wonderwall" by Oasis. Never, ever, ever did I think, "hey, maybe this song was written for a child," until I lost my son. Now it reminds me of him every time I hear it. Sometimes I cry or scream when I hear music that reminds me of my son. But sometimes, it makes me smile. Either way, music helped me to always feel for my son, one way or the other. Even when I wasn't "allowed" to.

Second, is definitely a network of people. Mostly fellow Baby Lost Mamas, but definitely not all. My best friend, Kaleigh and her husband, Jon are definitely top on my list. They have two beautiful children, and have never lost one. But they have been there for me through thick and thin. They were the first people I ever really told the truth to. The first to ever acknowledge that my son's life needed to be honored and remembered. They were the ones who encouraged me to tell my family and friends about Trevor. They're the ones who STILL seem to at least TRY to "get it" more than anyone else. I could never thank them enough for all that they've done for me. Jon even wrote a song, called "11:22" about Trevor, and is currently perfecting it for Trev's birthday celebration. They both say that they love Trevor like their own; and they mean it. I would have never gotten this far without them.

Also, though, there are the people who HAVE also lost a child. The people who DO "get it". First off, I must give my friend Jaclyn an honorable mention. I met her through the church I started going to recently; and she too lost her son, Zachary. She is really the one who's opinion I trusted most in telling my family about Trevor; remembering his life, etc. She's been through it; and I see her network of support first-hand, and trusted that I WOULD survive telling my friends and family. And I did. And I feel better. I now also think of Zachary often and that further proves that our little ones do live on through us, and other people. She's the one who gave me the idea to blog about Trev...which leads me to my final support system: all of you. This blog, and my fellow Baby Lost Mamas all around the world, have become a great support system for me. Your kind words, and the fact that every single one of you really DOES know exactly how I'm feeling. You don't have to TRY to understand, because you already do. And for that, I am so grateful. You have all given me strength, courage and pride when it comes to my son...and I could never thank you enough. I only hope I can return the favor.

"Broken Angel" - Hanson

So small, yet still so proud
At night before he dreams, he looks into the clouds
A high-flyer's what I want to be,
Seems they won't let me, says I'm too small
Don't feel small, at all

Break my dreams, that's what they'll do
Well I'm going to run away, and learn to fly like you
I'm going to go so high, and swoop so low
You can't bring me down, going to be so proud

Little Angel, you've got to learn to fly
Get up, and earn your wings tonight
Little Angel, just look in my eyes
Get up, and earn your wings tonight

Push and shove, then climb aboard
This is the shuttle train, to the top of the world
When you look around, what do you see?
These are all high-flyers,
But none of these high-flyers look like me

What is that supposed to mean?
What am I supposed to be?

I pull my way, up through this crowd
To find your body crushed on the ground
It's so obvious, why couldn't you see?
That you can't go high-flying,
Without a pair of high-flyer wings

Little one's broken, lying on the ground
Trying to get up, 'til his last breath out
Wings are strewn everywhere, there's blood all around
'Cause even Angels die, but that light just fades
It's so sad, but he'd be so proud

Broken Angel, you've got to learn to fly
Get up, and earn your wings tonight
Broken Angel, just look in my eyes
Get up, and earn your wings tonight

Get up, and earn your wings
Earn your wings, tonight

Monday, September 28, 2009

I Heart Faces: "Something Blue"

When I first saw this week's theme at I Heart Faces, this was the first photo I thought of entering. Miles here is my best friends' son (i.e., my "nephew"), and on this particular day he was running through the sprinkler in his little blue-and-white wet suit. Obviously, the color of his eyes goes along with this week's them as well. Yes, they're really that color (his sister's are, too!)...this photo hasn't even been so much as cropped! Straight from the camera, I swear! Photos like this really are worth a thousand words.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Happy Birthday to me!

So today (Sept. 25th) is my 24th birthday! I am actually, despite a few obvious setbacks/distractions (which we will get to), pretty excited for tonight. Later tonight, that is...since it's 2:41am and technically my birthday starts when I wake up later. A bunch of friends and family and myself are all going down to our family's lake house for a bonfire/birthday party on the water! I'm excited because for once I'm pretty sure the majority of the people I invited are coming. I have some new friends, some family and some old friends coming. A good mix. It should, for the most part, be a good time.

Speaking of old friends, however, I have gotten myself into quite an awkward situation. An ex-boyfriend of mine, Josh, is going to be at my birthday party. I haven't seen him at all, pretty much since we broke up a year and a half ago. So he texted me to wish me a happy birthday, and asked me if I had any good plans for my day. So I told him about my party; and I said he was more than welcome to come, because he never shows up anywhere I invite him anyway...and I had to be polite and ask. So guess who thinks that's a GREAT idea? Yup, the ex boyfriend. I guess our breakup wasn't as bitter as others of mine have been; but I generally don't invite my ex boyfriends to my birthday parties!!!! What was I thinking? So now I wonder, does he think this is some kind of booty call? Because HELL. NO. If I'm being blunt, it's my time of the month, I can barely walk AT ALL because I sprained my ankle tonight, and I'm not that interested in casual sex anymore. It has to mean something, or I'm not giving myself up or so I say. So Josh is not "getting any", if that's his goal.

And then I think, what if he really is still into me? We didn't break up because we had lost feelings for each other at all. We broke up because it was the wrong time in both of our lives HIS life for a relationship with each other. But I'm a lot different now, so maybe he is, too? Maybe he's never lost contact with me for more than a month since we broke up, because he really does still have feelings for me? Maybe he's the one! Maybe he's realized leaving was a mistake...

...and maybe, it's still just a booty call. I almost can't tell the difference, anymore. Only time will tell.

But like I said, outside of these things, for some reason...I am completely optimistic about my birthday! So I'm basking in the ambiance. Hope all is well out there in blog world!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Friday, September 18, 2009

Getting old...

To start with, I've had a Mountain Dew and a Dr. Pepper after months of no caffeine and it's 1:00 in the morning...just a warning. In other words, I have a lot on my mind and I don't know quite yet where this post is going, so bear with me.

One thing I've noticed lately is that apparently, my son's story is getting old. He may be turning five in just a few short months, so I suppose I should be "over it" by now, according to those who by the way, could never even IMAGINE losing their children, once, at least pretended to care. Almost no one at all even knew my son existed until less than a year ago, and even those who have known for less than six months are literally already MAKING FUN OF ME for it. Literally. Busting my chops about my dead son, like it's some kind of quirk I have that they can poke fun at. My favorite was my sister's boyfriend telling me, "babies die; get over it." REALLY? Because last time I checked, old people are supposed to die and babies are supposed to live...correct? Sometimes I want to say, "Yeah, well then I hope it's YOUR kid some day." But I would never, because one: I would never wish this life upon anyone else, no matter what they did to me; and two: it's not going to get me anywhere. So I have bitten my tongue. Another excellent one was "Not today. I don't have the time or patience for your problems right now." Thanks a lot, best friend of mine...(with beautiful, breathing, healthy children, mind you.) About a month ago, I was with my brother, my sister and her boyfriend, and an episode of House, M.D. came on in which a premature baby boy is on a table being shocked back to life, and eventually, dies right there on screen. I asked nicely a few times, and then eventually not so nicely if they could PLEASE turn it off. They literally LAUGHED, turned it up, and then told me a I was a crazy b****. Yes, you read that correctly. Oh, and my sister's boyfriend, being the biggest **** of them all, said another cute thing to me on our recent cruise (in front of 20 people, by the way: "your son's lucky he's dead, because his mother's such crazy b*tch he would have killed himself by now anyway." I couldn't speak, and ran off crying through a crowd of witnesses. On my top ten of life's worst moments, let me tell you.

So...needless to say, having a birthday party for Trevor is now something that unfortunately is not comfortable for me to do, because my story is getting old, and annoying. I was so excited, too! But celebrating my son's life, is now something I feel ashamed about...AGAIN. I thought I had gotten past this? I thought my ex was the only a**hole person who could have no feeling for something so precious. Apparently, I'm the only one who does. Regardless, I will lose all of my friends and family before I let my son's memory fade AGAIN. I betrayed my little man for far too long, and I will forever make it up to him.

On that note, my story is not the only thing getting old around here. I'm turning twenty-four a week from today (Sept. 25th), but I feel one-hundred and twenty-four. I'm exhausted, worn out, overwhelmed and weakened, trying to keep my son's memory alive. I'm tired from the guilt and embarrassment I feel even speaking his name. THIS IS NOT RIGHT. It can't be. What is wrong with these people? Am I the crazy one? Is it me, or is everyone I know cold-hearted and cruel? I'm also tired from consciously holding back when I feel like mentioning him; or interjecting about the ups and not-so-obvious downs of my pregnancy along with the other mothers. They look at me like I don't belong in their conversation, because I have to step out as soon as it gets to the living baby in your arms part...that part didn't last so long for me. I'm not able to chime in with the cute little things Trev did as a baby. Or give advice on parenting to someone who's technically been a mother for less time that I have.

What I've figured out is that no one really cares about anyone else for an extended period of time. And that 24 sucks. Because everyone I know is either on the end of the scale where they're married with living children and a life, or on the other end, where stuff like that is unfathomable because after all, we're only 24, right? Either way, I've learned that the one thing that makes it impossible to fit in with anyone at all, is having a dead baby...and unfortunately, my son is not here with me; so I guess I'm one of those people who will never fit in.

...I guess I'm getting old.