Sunday, July 12, 2009

Quick Update & Random New Pic :-)

Me at the 311 concert
(the first one, LOL)

I don't have much time today, but I felt like I needed to blog a bit.    Subconsciously, I haven't been blogging on purpose, because my last post was the 22nd post I've written.  Every time I logged in, it would tell me, 22 posts.  I figured it was Trevor telling Mama he likes the new blog layout! ;-)

I guess you could say things are going a little better than my past few blogs.  Not that the pain or hurt or concern is gone; but maybe...just maybe...I'm learning to cope?  Maybe this is the point at which it gets easier?  (If, that is, that point exists at all.)  Then I feel guilty, though, for not being depressed all the time.  I feel guilty for going an hour without missing my son so much it hurts.  I feel guilty for not crying when I think that he's not here; for smiling when I realize he's in his own little mansion in Heaven.  I know that's what Trev would want me to do; smile.  But somehow I feel like I'm losing the bond I've had with him for so long now.  I feel like he's no longer the first thing I think about when I wake up; or the last thing before I fall asleep.  He should be!  Right?  I also haven't even thought about my recent miscarriage.  I did write to Austin, letting him know what happened because it's his right to know.  But I feel guilty for almost being "over it".  I mean, I'm certainly not okay with it, and there are days where I go "Okay, so today I should be 9 weeks pregnant, and instead I'm drinking margaritas," but it's not eating me alive like I think it should be.

Overall, I think it's just been so long since I was happy, or at least okay, that it doesn't feel right.  Maybe I'm just having a good week...and I'm sure there will be bad weeks to come.  But maybe my life really will turn around this time.  Maybe I will learn to remember my son and not cry all the time.  Maybe I will, in a way, "move on" (to the best of a Baby Lost Mama's ability, anyway).  I'm just not sure I want to, or that I'm ready to, yet.

2 comments:

  1. Don't ever feel guilty for smiling. You are amazing, and more gorgeous than ever! I miss you more than you know. I still consider you one of my best friends, regardless of distance and time. I am so glad you're talking about your son. Progress, Dollface. Thank you so much for mentioning Maribella, and praying for her. You have no idea how much that means to me; and I'm sure to her mother, too. Never change, Jax! I love you to pieces. Take care.
    -J

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  2. I go though feeling guilty all the time. I think that we should never feel guilty for being happy that is what our children would want. They never wanted us to be sad. I just popped in to tell you that I put Never let go by Hanson for my song of the week. Check it out!

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