Sunday, May 23, 2010

It's been a while/Dear Trevor

Hello, fellow bloggers! It's been quite some time since I've been able to write here. I don't know if it's my schedule, or my pessimism that has kept me away, but it's mostly over now. I have some exciting things coming in my life; the details of which I will share with you all in a few weeks. For now, I thought I'd write to all of you, and my son at the same time. Hope you are all doing well - I miss you!

Dear Trevor,

I caught 11:22 on the drive home tonight. You made me smile, as always. Did you know that you're exactly 5-and-a-half today? What a big, handsome boy you'd be! I'm sure you're up there in that mansion, having you're very own half-birthday with your little Angel friends! I think that your "cousin," Miles, can feel you here with us. He's only two, but I swear he knows you're there sometimes. That makes me smile, too. His sister - your other cousin, Emily, will be four tomorrow. I know you'll be there with me at the birthday party! (She helped me blow out your candles this year, remember?)

On another note, I want to thank you, Little Man. Thank you for being my Angel; my first baby, my little boy. Even though we can't be together right now, I thank God every single day for the time we had together. You are the one thing in my world that I love more than anything; the light of my life. You have taught me so much by only having come to me, no matter how short of a time you were here. I love you!

I know your birthday is not until November, but I've been thinking about your party. I think we're going to go with Nemo this year. He reminds me of you :-) I can't believe you're closer to six, than five. I'm sure you've grown up way too fast! I only hope that your Papa can keep up with you!

I'm sure you're looking down on me, and that you know all about the plans I have for my future. I hope that you're as excited as I am! I miss you, baby. I only wish I could kiss your precious face and run my fingers through your dark brown curls. Someday. Keep sending me your little signs, Trev...it's what keeps me going every day. Be a good little Angel, and Mama will be with you before you know it! I love you so so so so so much, Trevor Michael!

With my unconditional love, always,
Mama <3

Monday, February 15, 2010

LOVE

Over the past few days, I learned a whole hell of a lot about love. Not that I didn't know anything about the subject; I have just recently been failing to see love for what it is. I have learned that love, as a concept doesn't have anything at all to do with romance. Sure, it's there in romantic relationships...but let's think about all the non-romance types of love. For one, the love that a parent has for their child, and vice versa. Though I spent only minutes with Trevor, I have never in my life before him, or after his birth felt love in the same way that I feel about my son. From the second I even knew he was in my womb, this little boy (though he wasn't even for sure a boy yet) was my world. "It's just me and you against the world, baby," I would tell him. It was, just me and him, against the world...it still is. Because of the few moments I spent with my son, the 24 years I've spent with my mother, and the 20 years I spent with my father, I can imagine exactly how Trevor feels about me. I imagine my Angel loves me a whole lot from Heaven. Even more than I could ever love him from little old Earth. And that's more than I would have ever imagined, before him. I wouldn't trade the love I feel for my son for anything in the entire world, and it is that love that keeps me alive every day.

Amongst this post about love, I absolutely must ask you all to pray for Eva. This young woman is less than a year younger than me, which blows my mind. She is far more mature than I'll be even 5 years from now. Please take the time to visit her blog and watch her farewell video. I will warn you, it will break your heart. On the other hand, Eva taught me a lot of very important lessons, in less than 7 minutes. She is beautiful, smart, and one of the bravest women I have ever heard of. I learned a lot of things from Eva's story, but the thing that strikes me the most is something that should be so obvious. That is, love is simple. Really, it is! It takes next to nothing to love another; or at least, it should take next to nothing. I have found that in my life, love has become something I resent, or am jealous of. Eva made me realize how selfish I've been. I've got plenty of love from plenty of people, and that really is all that matters.

Another kind of love, the greatest of all, I have to mention. That is the Love of God for his children. I thank God every single day for the love that He gives me. Though this is a love we can never understand, we can understand at least that it is greater than any love we will ever experience here on Earth. No matter what anyone else has to say, God will always love me. No matter what. So thank you, Lord, for loving me.

I'm going to try to love more; and more often. I'm going to post a Bible verse that I'm sure you've all read before. My best friend and I had a pretty bad falling out last weekend, and after all was said and done, she posted this as her status. I have always loved this verse, but over the past few years I have grown into jealous and bitter and hateful person; someone I've never wanted to be. It took only God's Word to touch my heart and make me look at life from a different angle. This time, when you read these words, take the time to think about what they really say...


If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes the imperfect disappears.

1 Corinthians 13:3-10 (NIV)

Monday, January 25, 2010

I Heart Faces: "Texture"

This week's photo is one I took of Taylor Hanson in Tulsa last May. I may have gone about this whole "texture" idea differently from everyone else, but it's there nonetheless. I really didn't have to do much with my photo program to represent texture in this photo. It's got a ton of it's own textures: his hair, the leather jacket, the sunglass lenses, the paint and metal on the sign behind him, his necklace charm, etc. I did do a little layering and "antiquing", but otherwise this was as is. Hope you enjoy :-)

Monday, January 18, 2010

7 Years

Seven years.

That's how long it's been since Trevor's father, "Nicholas", and I started "officially" dating. Today would be our 7 YEAR anniversary. I was 17 years old, now I'm 24. Obviously, a lot has changed. Except the things that should have changed. Like me, thinking about Nicholas every day; comparing stories with people, saying "Nicholas and I used to..." or "That's like one time, when Nicholas..." It hit me the other day. WOW, it's going to have been SEVEN YEARS since we started dating. Three since we broke up. Even then, I was 21.

It HAS to be high time to move on. I've got to get over him. Now, this won't be easy; he is Trevor's father. So I can't never, ever talk about him again. There is no question. But I can take myself mentally out of his life. I suppose I've been "out of his life" for three years now. But I have still, daily, wondered what he was doing. I have still been worrying about the times I've run into him. I've still been thinking (and talking) about how we would be married by now, with or without Trevor. I keep trying to find out through the grapevine what he's up to. I need to stop!

So today, marks the day I started trying. Trying to get over him; trying to move on. Trying to live my life for the future and not for the past. That's a big one. I am one of those people who lives in the past. I dwell on it; drown in it. I need to look towards my future as a strong, Christian woman who can take care of herself. I want to need no man in my life; though I need to have faith that one will come. My knight in shining armor is out there somewhere. I may have already found him; but I've been running from him because of my past experience. The abused little girl in my past whose son was stolen from her needs to let go, and become the strong woman; the wife, the mother that I know I will be.

I'll never "get over" my son. I don't want to. But that doesn't mean that I can't get over his father. Our relationship is over. OVER. He's not coming back. And in reality, I never wanted him to; or I would have never left him in the first place. He hit me, raped me, and told me I was worthless...why couldn't I ever see through the haze?

I make no promises, other than to TRY. I won't say this will be easy; but I know that once it's over I will look back and think, how trivial. I know there are bigger, greater things in store for me, thanks to my one and only Savior, Jesus Christ. God has a plan for me, and I'm going to let Him see it through. And I know God gave me Nicholas, so that one day I would learn these lessons.

7 years. Time to move on...

P.S. - his name isn't Nicholas, it's Charlie.