Monday, May 25, 2009


Hello, all!  It's been quite a while since I've posted last.  I've been really busy, and missing out on a lot of things I normally would never stray this blog, for example.  I'm doing a bit better than the last few times I wrote.  I started self-medicating again, on Zoloft (which I see as fine, because my doctor has been under the assumption I've been taking it all along).  I'm feeling much better!  I have also switched to 100% caffeine free beverages...even my coffee!  I guess it's the combination of the two, but my heart palpitations aren't one-tenth as bad as they were before.  My anxiety is still lurking in the shadows...I still have bad days...but I have not had one panic attack since tuesday, the 12th...and that was for damn good reason!

My best friend Kaleigh, her husband, Jon and I went on our vacation to Tulsa, Oklahoma last weekend.  It was GREAT!  We actually got stuck there an extra day (we were supposed to be home by noon on Sunday the 17th, and got home around 7pm on Monday the 18th!)...we slept through our 7am flight.  We were really stressed out about it at the time, but our extra day in Tulsa ended up being one of the best yet.  The very first night we were there, we got in, changed clothes and went out to explore Mayfest, and beyond.  Mayfest is a festival/concert series that is held every year in downtown Tulsa.  Our hotel overlooked the main stage, and we were perfectly centered for all of the weekends' festivities.  We had originally been going for the Hanson Members' Only Event (don't laugh, it was amazing), but it turned out the band had planned it around Mayfest so us fans would get to experience it.  Props to Isaac, Taylor and Zac!  Anyway...the first night we found ourselves at this small, hole-in-the-wall bar called Arnie's on the corner of 2nd and Elgin.  Jager shots were doubles, in a rocks glass for $2.  Beers were about $1.50.  I met an adorable guy with dark curly hair, blue eyes and a guitar.  His name is Austin (his middle name is Trevor!!!), and we're still keeping in touch.  He's thinking of coming to visit this summer, and I'll sure as hell be going back to Tulsa, myself.  I told him all about my son, and he was a wonderful, sweet person.  I wonder where things will go with him?  Only time will tell.

The Members' Only Event weekend consisted of one of the band's usual Walks (see Take The Walk for more information), which was a great success!  The shows were split into 3 sessions, one on Friday at 8pm, and two on Saturday at 3pm and 7pm.  We were lucky to get into the final show on Sat @ 7pm...and there are no words.  I'm sure you're reading this and laughing, but seriously...I bet you haven't heard a thing from Hanson since "MMMBop", have you?  Go down to my playlist and listen to "Never Let Go"...I bet you'll love it!  That's a rare song that they've almost never played; and Taylor, my favorite, played it as a solo during the show last weekend.  I've waited literally almost 10 years for that moment. (Also, my fellow Baby Lost Mamas need to look up "Lay Me Down" and "Broken Angel" by Hanson as well.  I promise it will be worth it.)   There were less than 100 people at our a very small, intimate theater.  It was an amazing night for me, and I'm sure for many other Hanson fans.  Overall, I LOVED Tulsa, with or without Hanson...and I will definitely be back!

Here are some of the pics highlighting my Okie weekend!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Mothers Day

I don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow.  I have never been able to even be considered on Mothers Day, and now that my story is out in the open, I've had mixed feelings.  My friends and family have all made it very clear to me that I AM a mother; and I truly appreciate their kind words and encouragement.  But somehow, it's still bittersweet.  I guess that's just the way it is.

On the other hand, I had the sweetest conversation with my little (well, 18-year-old, 6-foot, "little") brother last night about Trevor.  First of all, every time he speaks of him, he calls him "Trevor Michael" instead of just Trevor or Trev, like I do.  Michael was our Dad's name; he passed away in 2006, so maybe that's why Peyton (my brother) does that.  Either way, I LOVE sounds so adorable coming from little bro's mouth.  He said to me "I can't imagine what you must have gone through.  To know your little baby and then have to let him go."  He also said he'd love to be an uncle; that it would have been "so cool," and he would have "taken him everywhere with me".  My family's never been big on talking about things like this (almost every other woman on my mom's side has had a miscarriage or stillbirth, and no one ever talks about it); so it's really great that my brother, the one who could never understand, wants to talk about Trevor.

Lastly, I found this video on a fellow Baby Lost Mama's blog, and decided to share it with you all.  I'm warning you: break out the tissues!  But it helped me a lot to ease my troubled heart.  (Go down to the bottom of the page first, and pause my playlist.) Happy Mothers Day, everyone!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Downhill Spiral

I'm starting to lose my mind.  My anxiety is really coming to its peak.  I have suffered from depression pretty much since I lost Trevor...that's a permanent thing; I can deal with that.  Last summer, after receiving 2 out of 3 parts of the Gardasil vaccine (DON'T GET IT!), I was hospitalized with a rapid heart rate and a severe panic attack.  My heart still pounds out of my chest, EVERY DAY...but you know, why would my doctor pay attention to something like that?  This whole weekend I had a muscle spasm/twitch going on in my left thumb, which is still not completely gone, but they ignore that, too.  I wake up every single day shaking like a leaf, and it almost NEVER goes away.

People keep telling me this is just anxiety.  I really hope so.  I have, on multiple occasions, convinced myself I was dying.  I suddenly, again, have this HORRIBLE fear of being alone.  I was like this long before I was even out of the 8th grade, so it really never had anything to do with the loss of my little Angel.  I had completely gotten over it, though.  I moved into my own apartment a year ago!  I had never again, until these past few days, had a worry in the world about being alone.  In fact, I went through a phase recently where I just wanted everyone out of my face.  I WANTED to be alone.  I am only even blogging right now because my best friend (who has been babysitting me like an infant this past week, bless her heart) told me to wait half an hour before I can come over her house.  I've been alone since around 1:30 this afternoon, and it's almost 6:00PM.  I don't know why, but when she told me to wait, and I hung up the phone and cried my eyes out.  WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME???  I have been off my depression meds for months now (a choice I made myself)...and I've had the shaking and pounding heart, but not this bad; and none of this fear-of-dying/being-alone stuff.  I have even had the hardest time typing this because I'm trembling like it's 30 below in my apartment (and I'm not cold).  I was originally taking Celexa, for years, and I went to my doctor when I started feeling a little more down than usual, asking her to up my dose.  I LOVED Celexa, I just needed a little more.  Instead she switched me to Welbutrin (which made me crazy), then Zoloft.  I hated the Zoloft too, and figured my doctor would never help me, so I just stopped taking anything at all.  Maybe it was a bad idea.  I know it was...but I just want Celexa back!

I really hope, as well, that all of these physical symptoms are only because of my depression/anxiety, and that once I straighten that out, I will be fine again.  I am WAY too overweight, and I really want to get healthy and lose weight.  If I even try to walk around my apartment, I feel overworked like I'm going to drop dead!  March for Babies was 3.2 miles, and I thought I would die!  I can't even exercise.  Ugh.  I am SO TIRED, ALL THE TIME.  I sleep until around 11:30 every day, and I'm EXHAUSTED by dinner time.  I don't even have a job, and I'm wiped out.  I want to be normal, that's all.  I am leaving in 9 days for what is supposed to be the most incredible vacation weekend of my life.  I've waited 12 years for this (literally)!  I'm not even excited; I'm petrified.  What if I'm too tired/weak to do anything and ruin it for my friends?  What if I have a panic attack?

I hate living like this.  Lord, please help me.