Hello, fellow bloggers! It's been quite some time since I've been able to write here. I don't know if it's my schedule, or my pessimism that has kept me away, but it's mostly over now. I have some exciting things coming in my life; the details of which I will share with you all in a few weeks. For now, I thought I'd write to all of you, and my son at the same time. Hope you are all doing well - I miss you!
I caught 11:22 on the drive home tonight. You made me smile, as always. Did you know that you're exactly 5-and-a-half today? What a big, handsome boy you'd be! I'm sure you're up there in that mansion, having you're very own half-birthday with your little Angel friends! I think that your "cousin," Miles, can feel you here with us. He's only two, but I swear he knows you're there sometimes. That makes me smile, too. His sister - your other cousin, Emily, will be four tomorrow. I know you'll be there with me at the birthday party! (She helped me blow out your candles this year, remember?)
On another note, I want to thank you, Little Man. Thank you for being my Angel; my first baby, my little boy. Even though we can't be together right now, I thank God every single day for the time we had together. You are the one thing in my world that I love more than anything; the light of my life. You have taught me so much by only having come to me, no matter how short of a time you were here. I love you!
I know your birthday is not until November, but I've been thinking about your party. I think we're going to go with Nemo this year. He reminds me of you :-) I can't believe you're closer to six, than five. I'm sure you've grown up way too fast! I only hope that your Papa can keep up with you!
I'm sure you're looking down on me, and that you know all about the plans I have for my future. I hope that you're as excited as I am! I miss you, baby. I only wish I could kiss your precious face and run my fingers through your dark brown curls. Someday. Keep sending me your little signs, Trev...it's what keeps me going every day. Be a good little Angel, and Mama will be with you before you know it! I love you so so so so so much, Trevor Michael!
Over the past few days, I learned a whole hell of a lot about love. Not that I didn't know anything about the subject; I have just recently been failing to see love for what it is. I have learned that love, as a concept doesn't have anything at all to do with romance. Sure, it's there in romantic relationships...but let's think about all the non-romance types of love. For one, the love that a parent has for their child, and vice versa. Though I spent only minutes with Trevor, I have never in my life before him, or after his birth felt love in the same way that I feel about my son. From the second I even knew he was in my womb, this little boy (though he wasn't even for sure a boy yet) was my world. "It's just me and you against the world, baby," I would tell him. It was, just me and him, against the world...it still is. Because of the few moments I spent with my son, the 24 years I've spent with my mother, and the 20 years I spent with my father, I can imagine exactly how Trevor feels about me. I imagine my Angel loves me a whole lot from Heaven. Even more than I could ever love him from little old Earth. And that's more than I would have ever imagined, before him. I wouldn't trade the love I feel for my son for anything in the entire world, and it is that love that keeps me alive every day.
Amongst this post about love, I absolutely must ask you all to pray for Eva. This young woman is less than a year younger than me, which blows my mind. She is far more mature than I'll be even 5 years from now. Please take the time to visit her blog and watch her farewell video. I will warn you, it will break your heart. On the other hand, Eva taught me a lot of very important lessons, in less than 7 minutes. She is beautiful, smart, and one of the bravest women I have ever heard of. I learned a lot of things from Eva's story, but the thing that strikes me the most is something that should be so obvious. That is, love is simple. Really, it is! It takes next to nothing to love another; or at least, it should take next to nothing. I have found that in my life, love has become something I resent, or am jealous of. Eva made me realize how selfish I've been. I've got plenty of love from plenty of people, and that really is all that matters.
Another kind of love, the greatest of all, I have to mention. That is the Love of God for his children. I thank God every single day for the love that He gives me. Though this is a love we can never understand, we can understand at least that it is greater than any love we will ever experience here on Earth. No matter what anyone else has to say, God will always love me. No matter what. So thank you, Lord, for loving me.
I'm going to try to love more; and more often. I'm going to post a Bible verse that I'm sure you've all read before. My best friend and I had a pretty bad falling out last weekend, and after all was said and done, she posted this as her status. I have always loved this verse, but over the past few years I have grown into jealous and bitter and hateful person; someone I've never wanted to be. It took only God's Word to touch my heart and make me look at life from a different angle. This time, when you read these words, take the time to think about what they really say...
If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes the imperfect disappears.
This week's photo is one I took of Taylor Hanson in Tulsa last May. I may have gone about this whole "texture" idea differently from everyone else, but it's there nonetheless. I really didn't have to do much with my photo program to represent texture in this photo. It's got a ton of it's own textures: his hair, the leather jacket, the sunglass lenses, the paint and metal on the sign behind him, his necklace charm, etc. I did do a little layering and "antiquing", but otherwise this was as is. Hope you enjoy :-)
That's how long it's been since Trevor's father, "Nicholas", and I started "officially" dating. Today would be our 7 YEAR anniversary. I was 17 years old, now I'm 24. Obviously, a lot has changed. Except the things that should have changed. Like me, thinking about Nicholas every day; comparing stories with people, saying "Nicholas and I used to..." or "That's like one time, when Nicholas..." It hit me the other day. WOW, it's going to have been SEVEN YEARS since we started dating. Three since we broke up. Even then, I was 21.
It HAS to be high time to move on. I've got to get over him. Now, this won't be easy; he is Trevor's father. So I can't never, ever talk about him again. There is no question. But I can take myself mentally out of his life. I suppose I've been "out of his life" for three years now. But I have still, daily, wondered what he was doing. I have still been worrying about the times I've run into him. I've still been thinking (and talking) about how we would be married by now, with or without Trevor. I keep trying to find out through the grapevine what he's up to. I need to stop!
So today, marks the day I started trying. Trying to get over him; trying to move on. Trying to live my life for the future and not for the past. That's a big one. I am one of those people who lives in the past. I dwell on it; drown in it. I need to look towards my future as a strong, Christian woman who can take care of herself. I want to need no man in my life; though I need to have faith that one will come. My knight in shining armor is out there somewhere. I may have already found him; but I've been running from him because of my past experience. The abused little girl in my past whose son was stolen from her needs to let go, and become the strong woman; the wife, the mother that I know I will be.
I'll never "get over" my son. I don't want to. But that doesn't mean that I can't get over his father. Our relationship is over. OVER. He's not coming back. And in reality, I never wanted him to; or I would have never left him in the first place. He hit me, raped me, and told me I was worthless...why couldn't I ever see through the haze?
I make no promises, other than to TRY. I won't say this will be easy; but I know that once it's over I will look back and think, how trivial. I know there are bigger, greater things in store for me, thanks to my one and only Savior, Jesus Christ. God has a plan for me, and I'm going to let Him see it through. And I know God gave me Nicholas, so that one day I would learn these lessons.
Wow, I have been the worst blogger, EVER, lately! I apologize. I am STILL waiting for Trevor's birthday pictures. I guess I have to realize that people are busy, and just because it's the most important thing to ME, it's not to them. So I'm waiting; rather impatiently, might I add. I haven't been in the best place mentally, lately, and this post will probably be very incoherent and full of rambling, so bear with me.
I don't know when this will end! I CANNOT spend the rest of my life going through bouts of sadness, despair, and utter terror at everyday life. For a few months now I had been doing well; Trevor's party was AMAZING! I felt strong; like healing had finally begun and maybe this overwhelming, unbearable grief was finally withering away. HA! What was I thinking? And it has been over 5 years now...5 YEARS! What the hell is wrong with me? My best friend told me today that she thinks I am bi-polar, or have manic depression. Maybe she's right. I have had your basic normal-grade depression even since I was 15 or so, so maybe losing my son really sent me over the edge. I'll admit I haven't been taking my medication, Zoloft, but I have had mostly good weeks and months since I've stopped taking it. So I don't know what to think! I think maybe what I actually have is PTSD. A lot of women who have lost children, it is my understanding, suffer from PTSD. And if it's been 5 years, there has to be an underlying mental defect here, right? I mean, I'm MISERABLE. No one wants to be around me, even my own family. I feel like a burden to EVERYONE. My best friend keeps telling me, and I suppose she's right, that no one can ever love someone like this. And it's true, I guess.
On a similar note, I have given up, officially, on relying on ever getting married. And I still want babies. So to me, it seems logical, since I'm about to come into some money, to have a baby on my own. No, I don't mean go out, sleep with men until I get pregnant and ask for a child support check. I was thinking, about a year from now I will start looking into getting a sperm donation and trying artificial insemination. And every single person in my life who I've mentioned this to, basically told me I wouldn't be a good mother, and that having a baby like that is the dumbest idea they've ever heard. I suppose SOME of them used nicer words, but that's what they all ultimately meant by their answers. This is not something I have barely thought about or taken lightly. This is something I am dead serious about. Maybe I AM crazy, but why? I look at it this way: maybe no one WILL ever love me. Maybe I won't ever get married! And I am CERTAINLY NOT going to give up on ever having children, just because I am supposed to wait for a man to decide that I'm worthy of being a wife and mother. That's not fair; and technology allows me to have other options. So why can't I use those options? Please, correct me if I'm wrong. I just want to hear from someone who knows the pain of losing a child; who has these mothering instincts and no place to use them. Everyone's argument has been, "you're only 24, you have time." Maybe. But I was pregnant at 18, and delivered a child at 19, remember? So my brain has been in mothering mode SINCE then. So, I may be 24, but to me I've been ready for a child for 5 years. I have been yearning to hold a healthy baby in my arms for 5 YEARS. I have been ready to nurse, change diapers, instill values, and all the million other things a mother does...for 5 YEARS. So to me, waiting until I'm 25, trying for probably a year or so, and then waiting 9 months for the baby is NOT that crazy of an idea. And as far as me being mentally disturbed goes...well, I'd be far LESS mentally disturbed if I had a living, breathing child to take home, to nurture, to MOTHER. There will ALWAYS be a hole in my heart for Trevor; I know this. But why does that mean I can't have another child? I will be financially stable, and I've been ready, like I said, for 5 YEARS! Also, did I mention, the people who keep telling me it's a terrible idea are people who were married young, had children young or don't want kids, and know NOTHING about having to wait for a baby! And ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about losing your only child. It's just hard for me to trust the opinion of someone who was given everything in life, and still has the audacity to complain about it, or tell me I'M crazy, for wanting what they accidentally got and didn't want.
Regardless of all else in this post, I am making two appointments this week: one with a mental health professional, and another with an OB-GYN to discuss my childbearing options. I won't make any rash decisions; I suppose. But I am serious about this and I would like to know if anyone has a VALID reason why I should consider otherwise?
Hello, bloggers! It has been WAY TOO LONG, I know. I just wanted to let everyone know that Trevor's birthday party went great! It was very comforting, liberating, and sentimental. My friends and family were so supportive. We released balloons at the beach, came back to my place for some food and had a cake. We sang "Happy Birthday" and my niece helped me blow out his candles. I am so glad that I chose to celebrate my son's life! My camera is broken, but a friend took some AMAZING pictures that I'm still waiting for. I will post them AS SOON as I get them!
On another happy note, my family settled our lawsuit! Justice has finally been served for my father's death, and I'm extremely happy about it. Some of the money will go towards setting up an institute in his name which will aid in training and research to help the hospital/emergency room to use a more human approach; which, in my Dad's case, would have saved him.
I don't have much time lately, but I appreciate the continued support from all of my fellow bloggers! I promise to try and give you a better update and pictures soon! Hope all is well, and that everyone is enjoying the Holiday season!
I'm a regular girl from the smallest state (RI). I had a son who was born prematurely and passed away in 2004, and it still affects me every single day. That's why I started this blog. My family and most of my friends were unaware of my loss until recently. So I'm reaching out to others who have been through the loss of a child. I have met some amazing people; and though it hurts like hell, some of them take the edge off. I am truly blessed to have met some of the other grieving mothers and fathers I know. I only hope that I can touch someone's heart who needs me.