I Heart Faces: "Texture"

This week's photo is one I took of Taylor Hanson in Tulsa last May. I may have gone about this whole "texture" idea differently from everyone else, but it's there nonetheless. I really didn't have to do much with my photo program to represent texture in this photo. It's got a ton of it's own textures: his hair, the leather jacket, the sunglass lenses, the paint and metal on the sign behind him, his necklace charm, etc. I did do a little layering and "antiquing", but otherwise this was as is. Hope you enjoy :-)

7 Years

Seven years.

That's how long it's been since Trevor's father, "Nicholas", and I started "officially" dating. Today would be our 7 YEAR anniversary. I was 17 years old, now I'm 24. Obviously, a lot has changed. Except the things that should have changed. Like me, thinking about Nicholas every day; comparing stories with people, saying "Nicholas and I used to..." or "That's like one time, when Nicholas..." It hit me the other day. WOW, it's going to have been SEVEN YEARS since we started dating. Three since we broke up. Even then, I was 21.

It HAS to be high time to move on. I've got to get over him. Now, this won't be easy; he is Trevor's father. So I can't never, ever talk about him again. There is no question. But I can take myself mentally out of his life. I suppose I've been "out of his life" for three years now. But I have still, daily, wondered what he was doing. I have still been worrying about the times I've run into him. I've still been thinking (and talking) about how we would be married by now, with or without Trevor. I keep trying to find out through the grapevine what he's up to. I need to stop!

So today, marks the day I started trying. Trying to get over him; trying to move on. Trying to live my life for the future and not for the past. That's a big one. I am one of those people who lives in the past. I dwell on it; drown in it. I need to look towards my future as a strong, Christian woman who can take care of herself. I want to need no man in my life; though I need to have faith that one will come. My knight in shining armor is out there somewhere. I may have already found him; but I've been running from him because of my past experience. The abused little girl in my past whose son was stolen from her needs to let go, and become the strong woman; the wife, the mother that I know I will be.

I'll never "get over" my son. I don't want to. But that doesn't mean that I can't get over his father. Our relationship is over. OVER. He's not coming back. And in reality, I never wanted him to; or I would have never left him in the first place. He hit me, raped me, and told me I was worthless...why couldn't I ever see through the haze?

I make no promises, other than to TRY. I won't say this will be easy; but I know that once it's over I will look back and think, how trivial. I know there are bigger, greater things in store for me, thanks to my one and only Savior, Jesus Christ. God has a plan for me, and I'm going to let Him see it through. And I know God gave me Nicholas, so that one day I would learn these lessons.

7 years. Time to move on...

P.S. - his name isn't Nicholas, it's Charlie.

Lost

Wow, I have been the worst blogger, EVER, lately! I apologize. I am STILL waiting for Trevor's birthday pictures. I guess I have to realize that people are busy, and just because it's the most important thing to ME, it's not to them. So I'm waiting; rather impatiently, might I add. I haven't been in the best place mentally, lately, and this post will probably be very incoherent and full of rambling, so bear with me.

I don't know when this will end! I CANNOT spend the rest of my life going through bouts of sadness, despair, and utter terror at everyday life. For a few months now I had been doing well; Trevor's party was AMAZING! I felt strong; like healing had finally begun and maybe this overwhelming, unbearable grief was finally withering away. HA! What was I thinking? And it has been over 5 years now...5 YEARS! What the hell is wrong with me? My best friend told me today that she thinks I am bi-polar, or have manic depression. Maybe she's right. I have had your basic normal-grade depression even since I was 15 or so, so maybe losing my son really sent me over the edge. I'll admit I haven't been taking my medication, Zoloft, but I have had mostly good weeks and months since I've stopped taking it. So I don't know what to think! I think maybe what I actually have is PTSD. A lot of women who have lost children, it is my understanding, suffer from PTSD. And if it's been 5 years, there has to be an underlying mental defect here, right? I mean, I'm MISERABLE. No one wants to be around me, even my own family. I feel like a burden to EVERYONE. My best friend keeps telling me, and I suppose she's right, that no one can ever love someone like this. And it's true, I guess.

On a similar note, I have given up, officially, on relying on ever getting married. And I still want babies. So to me, it seems logical, since I'm about to come into some money, to have a baby on my own. No, I don't mean go out, sleep with men until I get pregnant and ask for a child support check. I was thinking, about a year from now I will start looking into getting a sperm donation and trying artificial insemination. And every single person in my life who I've mentioned this to, basically told me I wouldn't be a good mother, and that having a baby like that is the dumbest idea they've ever heard. I suppose SOME of them used nicer words, but that's what they all ultimately meant by their answers. This is not something I have barely thought about or taken lightly. This is something I am dead serious about. Maybe I AM crazy, but why? I look at it this way: maybe no one WILL ever love me. Maybe I won't ever get married! And I am CERTAINLY NOT going to give up on ever having children, just because I am supposed to wait for a man to decide that I'm worthy of being a wife and mother. That's not fair; and technology allows me to have other options. So why can't I use those options? Please, correct me if I'm wrong. I just want to hear from someone who knows the pain of losing a child; who has these mothering instincts and no place to use them. Everyone's argument has been, "you're only 24, you have time." Maybe. But I was pregnant at 18, and delivered a child at 19, remember? So my brain has been in mothering mode SINCE then. So, I may be 24, but to me I've been ready for a child for 5 years. I have been yearning to hold a healthy baby in my arms for 5 YEARS. I have been ready to nurse, change diapers, instill values, and all the million other things a mother does...for 5 YEARS. So to me, waiting until I'm 25, trying for probably a year or so, and then waiting 9 months for the baby is NOT that crazy of an idea. And as far as me being mentally disturbed goes...well, I'd be far LESS mentally disturbed if I had a living, breathing child to take home, to nurture, to MOTHER. There will ALWAYS be a hole in my heart for Trevor; I know this. But why does that mean I can't have another child? I will be financially stable, and I've been ready, like I said, for 5 YEARS! Also, did I mention, the people who keep telling me it's a terrible idea are people who were married young, had children young or don't want kids, and know NOTHING about having to wait for a baby! And ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about losing your only child. It's just hard for me to trust the opinion of someone who was given everything in life, and still has the audacity to complain about it, or tell me I'M crazy, for wanting what they accidentally got and didn't want.

Regardless of all else in this post, I am making two appointments this week: one with a mental health professional, and another with an OB-GYN to discuss my childbearing options. I won't make any rash decisions; I suppose. But I am serious about this and I would like to know if anyone has a VALID reason why I should consider otherwise?

Update!

Hello, bloggers! It has been WAY TOO LONG, I know. I just wanted to let everyone know that Trevor's birthday party went great! It was very comforting, liberating, and sentimental. My friends and family were so supportive. We released balloons at the beach, came back to my place for some food and had a cake. We sang "Happy Birthday" and my niece helped me blow out his candles. I am so glad that I chose to celebrate my son's life! My camera is broken, but a friend took some AMAZING pictures that I'm still waiting for. I will post them AS SOON as I get them!

On another happy note, my family settled our lawsuit! Justice has finally been served for my father's death, and I'm extremely happy about it. Some of the money will go towards setting up an institute in his name which will aid in training and research to help the hospital/emergency room to use a more human approach; which, in my Dad's case, would have saved him.

I don't have much time lately, but I appreciate the continued support from all of my fellow bloggers! I promise to try and give you a better update and pictures soon! Hope all is well, and that everyone is enjoying the Holiday season!

Fight For Preemies!

Today is Bloggers Unite's event to FIGHT FOR PREEMIES! In honor of this, participating bloggers are asked to blog about a preemie in their lives. Whether past or present, here or with the Angels, your own child or a child you know; join me and many others and blog about a preemie that has touched your life!

"Every year, 20 million babies are born too soon, too small and very sick ― half a million of them in the United States. November 17 is when we fight.

Do you know a baby that was born too soon, too small, unable to suck, unable to breathe on his own? Premature birth is a health crisis that jeopardizes the lives and health of nearly half-million babies each year. It is the #1 killer of newborns and can lead to lifelong disabilities. Worse: the number has increased 31 percent since 1981. It can happen without warning and for no known reason. Until we have more answers, anyone’s baby, could be born too soon.

Medical advances give even the tiniest babies a chance of survival, yet for many babies premature birth is still a life or death condition. It’s the #1 cause of death during the first month of life. And babies who survive face serious health challenges and risk lifelong disabilities.

The rate of premature birth has never been higher. In half the cases, we simply don’t understand what went wrong. We need to fight for answers. And, ultimately, preventions.

November 17 is dedicated to raising awareness of the crisis of premature birth. The March of Dimes invites bloggers like you to get involved.

• Learn about premature birth at marchofdimes.com/fightforpreemies
• Put a badge on your blog during November, Prematurity Awareness Month®
• On November 17, blog for a baby you love and to help others

We need to fight ― because babies shouldn’t have to."

So...I bet you all can guess who I'm going to blog about, right? TREVOR, of course! This event could not have come at a more perfect time for my son and I. His birthday is this weekend, so I feel extra honored to blog about him! Let me give you a brief description of his short but precious life. On November 22, 2004, at 22 weeks gestation, my son decided he was ready to greet the world; but it was much, much too early. Despite efforts to stop my labor, Trevor was delivered to me at 11:22 PM, alive but struggling. He was just 1lb. 6oz. and just under 13 inches long. His lungs were not fully developed, even for his gestational age, and this caused him to be unable to breathe on his own. His lungs were also too small for the machine available to expand them. After 22 precious minutes, at 11:44 PM, Trevor Michael went to be with the Angels. If you would like to know the full story of my son's life, visit my post titled How My Angel Earned His Wings (photo included).

As of this coming Sunday, my son would be 5 years old. He would be running wild and getting ready for his Transformer's birthday party! He'd be breathing the same air as all of us. Most of all, he'd be here with his Mama, every day. Although medical advances have made great strides already for premature babies; there's still a lot to uncover. Had there been more advanced medical technology available, and his father and I had been more informed about the risks of prematurity, my son, as well as millions of other babies, could be here with us today.

Please donate to March of Dimes in honor of Trevor Michael, by visiting his Memory Band. The March of Dimes funds research and raises awareness for preemies and their families. Help babies like my son get the care they need to survive; and parents like me to be more educated on the risks and signs of premature birth.

Follower Of The Month

Hey there! I just wanted to write a quick update and let you all know that I was featured as With An Angel On My Shoulder's Follower Of The Month! You can check out the post HERE.

Be sure to leave Ter a comment and start following her blog, if you don't already!

Have a great weekend!

The Secret Garden Meeting - October

"Welcome to the garden. A place that is only open for bereaved parents. It is our garden, our secret place to come to. A place to remember our children with those who understand us. It is a place to just be, without worry or fear of not being accepted. May you feel safe to share your hearts here in the garden."

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief? Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

Where I am in my grief is a lot different than most. The length of time since my loss, and the stage of my grief are completely different from each other. Although my son was born and went to the Angels almost 5 years ago, I have only really begun opening up about him during this past year. So, even though I've had five years to grieve; I've only been active in this grief for less than 13 months. So where am I in my grief? Well, I'm certainly not out of the "it's not fair" stage. At least, not completely. I'm not all the way out of the being-jealous-of-mothers-with-young-boys phase, either. Although I will say this: where I am now, and where I was even six weeks ago are also quite different. I thought the fall weather, and Trevor's impending birthday was going to kill me; and it's done exactly the opposite. It's cheered me up! I've been happy for my son and his mansion in Heaven! I've been eager to celebrate him; instead of just being miserable without him. I will never, ever, "get over" my son's death. I will also never, ever, go a day without missing him; but I have realized that Trev wouldn't want Mama moping around all day feeling sorry for herself. So, I won't do it anymore (or at least, I'm going to TRY really hard). I guess I'm at the beginning of getting back to "normal". I will always, however have to put that word ("normal"), in quotations; because really, what IS normal, now, without our children?

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Sidenote:

That's it for my Secret Garden Meeting, but I thought I would bring something to the attention of my followers. I am currently one of the plaintiffs in a civil wrongful death suit (in regards to the death of my father). I will be in the courtroom pretty much all day (9-5) for the next 2-3 weeks; and at night, I'm going to crash. Needless to say, I won't be blogging or commenting much, but I promise, at the least, to update before Trevor's birthday party and give all the details! Thanks so much for everyone's support so far. Talk to you all very soon...promise!