Sunday, December 27, 2009

Lost

Wow, I have been the worst blogger, EVER, lately! I apologize. I am STILL waiting for Trevor's birthday pictures. I guess I have to realize that people are busy, and just because it's the most important thing to ME, it's not to them. So I'm waiting; rather impatiently, might I add. I haven't been in the best place mentally, lately, and this post will probably be very incoherent and full of rambling, so bear with me.

I don't know when this will end! I CANNOT spend the rest of my life going through bouts of sadness, despair, and utter terror at everyday life. For a few months now I had been doing well; Trevor's party was AMAZING! I felt strong; like healing had finally begun and maybe this overwhelming, unbearable grief was finally withering away. HA! What was I thinking? And it has been over 5 years now...5 YEARS! What the hell is wrong with me? My best friend told me today that she thinks I am bi-polar, or have manic depression. Maybe she's right. I have had your basic normal-grade depression even since I was 15 or so, so maybe losing my son really sent me over the edge. I'll admit I haven't been taking my medication, Zoloft, but I have had mostly good weeks and months since I've stopped taking it. So I don't know what to think! I think maybe what I actually have is PTSD. A lot of women who have lost children, it is my understanding, suffer from PTSD. And if it's been 5 years, there has to be an underlying mental defect here, right? I mean, I'm MISERABLE. No one wants to be around me, even my own family. I feel like a burden to EVERYONE. My best friend keeps telling me, and I suppose she's right, that no one can ever love someone like this. And it's true, I guess.

On a similar note, I have given up, officially, on relying on ever getting married. And I still want babies. So to me, it seems logical, since I'm about to come into some money, to have a baby on my own. No, I don't mean go out, sleep with men until I get pregnant and ask for a child support check. I was thinking, about a year from now I will start looking into getting a sperm donation and trying artificial insemination. And every single person in my life who I've mentioned this to, basically told me I wouldn't be a good mother, and that having a baby like that is the dumbest idea they've ever heard. I suppose SOME of them used nicer words, but that's what they all ultimately meant by their answers. This is not something I have barely thought about or taken lightly. This is something I am dead serious about. Maybe I AM crazy, but why? I look at it this way: maybe no one WILL ever love me. Maybe I won't ever get married! And I am CERTAINLY NOT going to give up on ever having children, just because I am supposed to wait for a man to decide that I'm worthy of being a wife and mother. That's not fair; and technology allows me to have other options. So why can't I use those options? Please, correct me if I'm wrong. I just want to hear from someone who knows the pain of losing a child; who has these mothering instincts and no place to use them. Everyone's argument has been, "you're only 24, you have time." Maybe. But I was pregnant at 18, and delivered a child at 19, remember? So my brain has been in mothering mode SINCE then. So, I may be 24, but to me I've been ready for a child for 5 years. I have been yearning to hold a healthy baby in my arms for 5 YEARS. I have been ready to nurse, change diapers, instill values, and all the million other things a mother does...for 5 YEARS. So to me, waiting until I'm 25, trying for probably a year or so, and then waiting 9 months for the baby is NOT that crazy of an idea. And as far as me being mentally disturbed goes...well, I'd be far LESS mentally disturbed if I had a living, breathing child to take home, to nurture, to MOTHER. There will ALWAYS be a hole in my heart for Trevor; I know this. But why does that mean I can't have another child? I will be financially stable, and I've been ready, like I said, for 5 YEARS! Also, did I mention, the people who keep telling me it's a terrible idea are people who were married young, had children young or don't want kids, and know NOTHING about having to wait for a baby! And ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about losing your only child. It's just hard for me to trust the opinion of someone who was given everything in life, and still has the audacity to complain about it, or tell me I'M crazy, for wanting what they accidentally got and didn't want.

Regardless of all else in this post, I am making two appointments this week: one with a mental health professional, and another with an OB-GYN to discuss my childbearing options. I won't make any rash decisions; I suppose. But I am serious about this and I would like to know if anyone has a VALID reason why I should consider otherwise?

5 comments:

  1. as a bereaved parent, you will ALWAYS have moments, some longer than others, of sadness. It does NOT make you mentally unstable or any of the things you mentioned above. So it can be 5 years or 20 or 50, you're still going to have those moments and you'll still miss your son. Don't let people tell you otherwise. you'll always miss him and that's okay, in fact, you SHOULD miss him! If you DIDN'T, then your sanity should be questioned.

    ((hugs!))

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  2. So here's how I feel...If you were really mental, you would go and sleep with as many guys as it took to get preggo again....not going to see doctors and planning ahead. I think you need some new people in your life, people who will embrace you and love you and help you on this journey, not discourage it! There are so many times I wish I lived closer to other BLM so we could lean on one another in person and cheer each other on IRL!!
    I will be praying that you find these kinds of people, people you DESERVE to have in your life! And I will pray your journey takes you where you want it!!
    Lots of luck and love to you!!

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  3. hi, jackie!! i'm not gonna try to give you advice about what to do or not to do with your future pregnancy...it's most definitely not my place. BUT you asked to hear from a person who has lost a baby...someone who knows EXACTLY how it feels to WAIT...and i think i just might be that person :) as you know from some of my blog posts, we've been trying to have another baby for 16 months now...it hurts in the most severe way to not only lose your firstborn in such a tramatic way but then to not be able to have a second....it's a feeling i can't describe...it's intense grief all over again. so, yes, i know how it feels to have the instinct, the yearning and the love for a child you don't have yet.

    also, i question my mental stability as well...don't feel like you're alone :) i've struggled with anxiety for as long as i can remember and have had depression on and off since the age of 18...

    it's funny that you should post this today because today i made the decision to give my depression, my anxiety and my future baby to God.

    it wasn't an easy decision, but it's one that i had to make...

    i've decided that i can no longer live in the shadow of fear and depression and sadness...it's handicapping and unnecessary!!

    so what am i doing?? i'm doing nothing!! i'm TRUSTING God with my life and ALL of the details...this will be quite different for me since lately i've only been trusting doctors and myself...so, we are taking a "break" from doctors and just gonna trust that God knows the desires of our hearts....and in His perfect time, i know i will have a baby again.

    i'm also taking a break from paralyzing thoughts that keep me thinking that i'm in control of situation...like, i kept telling myself "if i just do this then i will stay happy" or "if i just tell myself this i won't get depressed"....the truth is: as long as i'm trying to control my life, i'll be in the way and i just need to get out of the way so that God can go to work on me.

    the Bible tells me that "HE who began a good work in you will be FAITHFUL to COMPLETE it"...hey, it's good news!! it means He's not done with us yet! We are just work's in progress...sometimes we just need to be ok with that :)

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  4. Thank you so much to everyone for your comments!

    Jaclyn, I do appreciate you taking the time to answer my blog. I certainly put my life in God's hands tonight when I was Saved, so I too have learned, even in a few short hours, that He truly is in control. I think tonight's service was designed for me. I didn't go into that church tonight knowing that my soul would be Saved, and yet, I was Saved! That definitely puts God's power into perspective! For now I will just keep praying that God shows me the right decision. I have faith that if He wants me to have another baby, then I will; however that pregnancy may come about. I also need to put my future and my life in His hands! I am glad as well that you have done the same; I think it will bring you much more peace and patience. I will pray for you and Nate and your future baby-to-be! FAITH, that's all there is right now; and it's enough for me! And once again, it's nice to know I'm not alone in my thoughts or my feelings. :-)

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  5. I am rejoicing to hear that you were saved!! I have no doubt the angels are rejoicing too! I don't think it's stupid what you want and I think it's good you're looking into your options. But I do suggest spending time in prayer. There will always be people who will think your desires and dreams are stupid and aren't worth it. Don't listen to them.

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