Friday, June 26, 2009

With You In Your Dreams

First of all, I can't believe that Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcet and Michael Jackson have all passed away!  Within two days!  I know many of you don't believe in "signs" or anything like that; but this is, to me, an omen of sorts.  For one thing, I now can't stop thinking of "Nicholas" (Trevor's father)!  He is hands-down the biggest Michael Jackson fan I have ever known!  He must be devastated.  For those of you who may know him; or had known us together, you realize what a big deal this would have been right now.  Granted, my 4-and-a-half-year-old son should also have been here, and old enough to know that Daddy's idol is now in Heaven.  But I suppose Trevor is aware, now isn't he?  He gets to meet MJ before Daddy does! 

Speaking of Daddy (and I haven't told anyone this), I had a dream about Nicholas the other night:  He shows up at my apartment with a dozen of yellow (a.k.a. "I'm sorry") roses.  He is crying his eyes out, and says, "Can I talk to you?".  I am smitten enough, in this dream, to let him in and offer him a soda.  He says, "I want to visit our son's grave; and I can't...won't, do it without you."  (For those of you who don't know, I am still looking for the location, as I was on pain meds and completely paid no attention (on purpose) to where my son was buried, out of state)  Of course, I am thrilled, because I've been waiting so long for this!  He also says, "...and, I want to maybe work things out between us?"  Now, in real life, I'm thinking, are you crazy? after everything you've said and done, you *******!  you want me to be with you again?  But in my dream, I say, "'Nicholas', I've waited two years for you to ask me that."  Long story short, we go to visit Trevor; once a week, from there on in.  We stay together, get engaged and move into a home together.  We live the life I thought we'd have had; minus my precious Angel, of course.  But I feel sometimes like even with losing Trevor, we still could have had a good life together.  Those are the moments I question my decision to not have him in my life anymore.  But then I think, God didn't want Nicholas in my life; so I will trust that He has given me the strength to stay away.

On that note, I miss church!  (Five months ago, by the way, I never thought I'd be saying that.)  But one thing or another has prevented me from making it to church lately.  I've only been there once every other week or so for the past few weeks, and I don't like it!  As you can see from my last post, I have a lot of people to pray for!  Including, now...a very dear friend of mine.  I found out this week that one of my good friends is also a Baby Lost Mama!  I never knew.  She and her then-husband, J, had a little girl Born With Wings at 17 weeks.  Her name was Maribella Antonelli (beautiful, right?), and I'm sure she is wonderful and thriving in Heaven.  But her Mama isn't doing so well.  This is a person who has been there for me through thick and thin.  Someone who I should have known this about a long time ago!  Someone who is now married to someone else, now with living children; who has suffered in silence all these years.  For the first time, I'm on the other side.  There are quite similar situations between Trevor's and Bella's stories.  I'm hearing my dear friend pour her heart out; and I'm sad.  Because for once, I'm not the Mama who's grieving her baby.  I'm the shoulder to lean on.  I'm glad to be this.  I just wish I knew how to help my friend like so many others have helped me.  At the same time, it's so weird.  I feel like I'm listening to myself tell the story of my son.  But it's not Trevor, it's another precious little life lost.  I'm not the only one!  I've know I'm not alone, because of you other blog Moms, and friends I've met because of Trevor.  But now this is someone I've known all along; someone I didn't meet just because we had child loss in common.  This is someone who's already a friend, and is now joining me in grief; over the loss of her daughter.  So please, in case I don't find enough time to properly do so, pray for Maribella's Mama.

I guess that's all for tonight.  I hope everyone has a great weekend!  Hopefully the sun will shine around here some day.  :-)  God Bless!

1 comment:

  1. Hi Jaquelyn,

    I made some Angel Wings for Trevor. Please check out my blog. If you would like a copy sent to you via email or regular mail, please let me know.