Thursday, June 4, 2009

Another Loss

So...in order to tell you what happened yesterday, first I'll have to tell you all what I've failed to tell you for the past few weeks.  I did the stupid, sinful, embarrasing thing in Tulsa and had unprotected sex with Austin (see my last post, "I HEART TULSA").  Five days later, I missed my period.  A week after that, I was nauseous and vomited for 5 days straight.  I felt the implantation pulling, "bungee cord" feeling.   Most of all my period NEVER came.  A few days ago, I started seeing brownish-pink spotting.  This is usually what is called "implantation bleeding".  It's also an early sign of miscarriage.  Yesterday would have been 4 weeks 4 days pregnant.

To be honest, I am so swallowed with the loss of my son that I was EXCITED to be pregnant!  I WANTED this baby.  Even if Austin wanted nothing to do with me, in my mind this was the best mistake I'd ever made.  Needless to say, yesterday morning I was certainly not pregnant anymore.  This may be graphic, but I've been getting blood clots the size of quarters, and I feel as if someone is trying to rip my insides out of me.  I was DEVASTATED.  I spent the day with my best friend, Kaleigh, balling my eyes out and screaming at the sky.  I was so lost.  Did I really just lose ANOTHER child?  Now, clearly a 4 week 4 day embryo the size of a pin head is nothing in comparison to losing my 1lb 6oz, living son.  But I was pregnant two days ago, nonetheless, and I'm not pregnant anymore.  And there isn't a baby, either.  So twice, I was pregnant, and now, TWICE I've lost a baby.

In spite of this, I am trying to remain strong.  If ever I've realized that God is in control, it's now.  I know that He will not harm me; only teach me lessons.  I have faith that one day I will have beautiful, healthy babies and a husband who loves me with all of his heart.  I've learned that I need to at least TRY to be patient with His plan; and until I see it, do my best to serve our Lord in my every day life.  If never before, I am praying every chance that I get.  I know that God will not give me a child until I love myself enough to be a good mother.  I know that all the things that have happened to me in my life, have all been part of His plan, in one way or another.  I know that I have learned something from my losses; and from the losses of others, too.  I know that now Trevor has a sibling to play with in his mansion in Heaven!  I don't know how something like a miscarriage has brought me CLOSER to God...but it has.  Maybe He's trying to show me that even though this has happened, He is never far from me.  If I can have faith now, I will never lose my faith again.

Might I add, I have never in my life been more grateful for my best friend.  I've been a terrible friend to her lately.  A jealous, spiteful BITCH, in plain English.  Yet, she hasn't left me for a moment.  She has been there through EVERYTHING I've been going through.  I only hope that someday I can be for her what she has been for me.  Kay, if you read this I love you, I'm sorry, and thank you.

2 comments:

  1. I'm sorry to hear of another loss. :(

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  2. So sorry, glad you are keeping your faith in this time. My great grandmother used to always say 'everything happens for a reason'. I always thought that was ridiculous, until I grew up. Bet there is a great man waiting for you, somewhere, and you will have an awesome family someday. Just the way its supposed to be!

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