Tuesday, April 28, 2009

March for Babies, Misery, and Ash

Sunday was the March for Babies!  I was sad to have to leave WAY too early, but I walked for my little man, and I suppose that's all that matters.  My dear new friend, Jaclyn, is the one who started our team "No Life Too Small" in honor of her son, Zachary.  She had shirts made (WHICH I LOVE!), and we looked fabulous in them!  (I'm wearing mine now).  She also did another thing, which I don't even know if she realizes, meant the WORLD to me.  She had made a logo for the team with her son's footprints/name on it, and she made me a pin with the same logo, replacing Zachary's name with my Trevor Michael!  I had been completely upset with the fact that I am a procrastinator and hadn't gotten anything to wear in memory of my son.  But Jaclyn saved the day!  I now have the pin hanging in my car, and it reminds me every day that I am not alone; and that my son is being remembered.  I was really upset at one point about having to duck out early, and then missing church later on that night.  But then I remember that the March was still a success, regardless; because Zachary and Trevor's little lives were honored in such a big way.

On another note, I'm not so sure I'm doing well these days.  You would think, after being able to be open about my son, the wound would heal a little.  I feel like it's getting worse.  I'm also starting to dwell on things from my past that haven't mattered all that much before.  I have been thinking a lot about "Nicholas" (Trevor's father).  But about the bad things.  I try to give him credit, but the not-so-good things are starting to resurface in my mind.  Also, I've been thinking about another ex-boyfriend of mine, Ash.  Quick background: I was 15, he was 19...I thought he was the love of my life; I was the love of his.  The story's a bit complicated, but he was no longer in my life after 2001.  Then, in 2006, while Nicholas and I have been trying to recover from the loss of our Angel...Ash comes crashing back into my world like lighting.  He tells me we should have never been apart.  He was the one who made me realize that Nicholas was no good for me.  He honors my son's memory more than Nicholas ever will.  It was a dream come true to have him back in my life.  He would marry me, in an instant, no questions asked.  But something doesn't feel right.  I can't get out of my head that he's too good to be true; so I tell him, we can't do this.  He BEGS and PLEADS and tells me I'm the only one he'll ever love.  He's PERFECT.  But for some reason, I can't do it.  So here I am, almost 10 years after originally meeting him, and I'm alone, and miserable.  He only lives 45 minutes away.  He wants to get married; he wants to have babies.  He's everything I could ever ask for.  But still, I can't do it.  AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.  I miss him.  The day before March for Babies was his 28th birthday.  It made me wonder what we could be now.  I could be "decorated in babies" (as someone cute once said) ;-), I could be throwing him a huge birthday party.  I could be his wife.  Still, something holds me back.  WHY?  I don't know, either.  It's almost as if I have a hard time believing he's real, and subconsciously, I'd spend our entire life together worrying that one day, he'll just vanish; and again, I'll be alone.  I know it makes no sense, but it's what inside my head.  I was going to send him a birthday wish e-mail, but I'm not sure I'm ready to open up that can of worms.  So I'll say it here.

"Happy birthday, Ashman.  Hope you've got everything you've wished for.  I'm sorry."

1 comment:

  1. Here's what I think...

    I think that because you opened up about your son, you are having a little grieving time again. Before you had to keep it all inside and to yourself, and now you have given yourself permission, if you will, to grieve openingly and honestly. It's not a bad thing. In fact, it's probably a good thing!

    As for your relationships, I honestly don't think you can have a clear answer on whether either of these guys are "the one" because you still need to work through your grief on losing your son. Keep in mind that you were very young when you had those relationships, and that's not saying they can't be "the one" but it's no decision to make during your grieving process. In a way, your grief is very new.

    Take care of yourself first and foremost, right now that's what's most important. ((hug!))