Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Downhill Spiral

I'm starting to lose my mind.  My anxiety is really coming to its peak.  I have suffered from depression pretty much since I lost Trevor...that's a permanent thing; I can deal with that.  Last summer, after receiving 2 out of 3 parts of the Gardasil vaccine (DON'T GET IT!), I was hospitalized with a rapid heart rate and a severe panic attack.  My heart still pounds out of my chest, EVERY DAY...but you know, why would my doctor pay attention to something like that?  This whole weekend I had a muscle spasm/twitch going on in my left thumb, which is still not completely gone, but they ignore that, too.  I wake up every single day shaking like a leaf, and it almost NEVER goes away.

People keep telling me this is just anxiety.  I really hope so.  I have, on multiple occasions, convinced myself I was dying.  I suddenly, again, have this HORRIBLE fear of being alone.  I was like this long before I was even out of the 8th grade, so it really never had anything to do with the loss of my little Angel.  I had completely gotten over it, though.  I moved into my own apartment a year ago!  I had never again, until these past few days, had a worry in the world about being alone.  In fact, I went through a phase recently where I just wanted everyone out of my face.  I WANTED to be alone.  I am only even blogging right now because my best friend (who has been babysitting me like an infant this past week, bless her heart) told me to wait half an hour before I can come over her house.  I've been alone since around 1:30 this afternoon, and it's almost 6:00PM.  I don't know why, but when she told me to wait, and I hung up the phone and cried my eyes out.  WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME???  I have been off my depression meds for months now (a choice I made myself)...and I've had the shaking and pounding heart, but not this bad; and none of this fear-of-dying/being-alone stuff.  I have even had the hardest time typing this because I'm trembling like it's 30 below in my apartment (and I'm not cold).  I was originally taking Celexa, for years, and I went to my doctor when I started feeling a little more down than usual, asking her to up my dose.  I LOVED Celexa, I just needed a little more.  Instead she switched me to Welbutrin (which made me crazy), then Zoloft.  I hated the Zoloft too, and figured my doctor would never help me, so I just stopped taking anything at all.  Maybe it was a bad idea.  I know it was...but I just want Celexa back!

I really hope, as well, that all of these physical symptoms are only because of my depression/anxiety, and that once I straighten that out, I will be fine again.  I am WAY too overweight, and I really want to get healthy and lose weight.  If I even try to walk around my apartment, I feel overworked like I'm going to drop dead!  March for Babies was 3.2 miles, and I thought I would die!  I can't even exercise.  Ugh.  I am SO TIRED, ALL THE TIME.  I sleep until around 11:30 every day, and I'm EXHAUSTED by dinner time.  I don't even have a job, and I'm wiped out.  I want to be normal, that's all.  I am leaving in 9 days for what is supposed to be the most incredible vacation weekend of my life.  I've waited 12 years for this (literally)!  I'm not even excited; I'm petrified.  What if I'm too tired/weak to do anything and ruin it for my friends?  What if I have a panic attack?

I hate living like this.  Lord, please help me.


  1. I stumbled on your blog and i just want you to know that I'll be praying for you. It may not mean much, but at least you know that someone out there is thinking of you and hoping that things get better for you. You should definitely talk to your doctor. As much as you dont want to (I hate doctors too), it may be just what you need. If you ever need to talk about anything or just need to know that someone is there, my email is monkeytoes84@aol.com

  2. ((HUGS)) keep living one breath at a time... that's all we can do. Somedays it's going to be harder than others...but we can do it... heck we've been doing it so far, haven't we?

  3. I'm sorry you are going through so much. Go back to your Dr. and tell her that you NEED Celexa back and you need a higher dose than what you were on. Tell her what you have told all of us. I will pray for you.

  4. If you ever need someone to talk to about anxiety please just give me a holler. Mine has gone CRAZY, especially since we are nearing our 2 year marks.

    I'm currently on a heart monitor for chest pains and palpitations that are most likely anxiety related.

    Many hugs and much much love sweets

  5. Dear Jacquelyn,
    I am here for you, if you ever need to talk about anything, especially ANXIETY, and losing a precious baby I know exactly how it feels, as I have been there... and still am, just a bit less now though. I would definately go back to your DR and tell her what you have told us, because it certainly can help.
    Please feel free to email me anytime, as I am always here for you (((Hugs)))
    my email is: kaynicholls@virginbroadband.com.au
    Lots of Love xxxx