Monday, April 6, 2009


Wow, what a topsy-turvy day!  I'm happy, then I'm sad; I'm okay, then I'm falling apart.  I don't know from one minute to the next where I'll be mentally!

Church was great tonight. I cried my eyes out, but I always do.  I always end up thinking of Trevor somehow.  Someone always says something!  But, I'm okay with that.  If you can't lose it in church, where can you feel safe?  So, we had a guest speaker, Brother Gibbs.  What a great guy!  I was so moved by his words.  I only wish I was a better person for it.

I have got to change something in my life.  I'm not right.  Really.  I have no job, I can't ever finish a semester of school, I barely see any of my friends except one anymore; I go to bed at 6AM and sleep until 3PM, I've been getting wasted every weekend.  I am so unhappy with myself.  It's like, I'm spiraling downward and I can't stop it.  I blame it on being a grieving mother; but really, that's not the way to handle this!  I am just so lost.  It seems like every time there's prospectively something good coming my way, it's gone in the blink of an eye!

Like this guy.  He goes the to the church I've been going to.  We've only spoken once, but I'm completely smitten!  It's ridiculous!  From the first day I started going there, I was all distracted and told my friend I thought he was cute.  It's so weird, because her and I have both agreed he is so not my type!  He's apparently younger than me, which is not something I've ever been okay with.  He's kind of a dork, but he's so cute to me.  There's something about him that makes it impossible not to melt every time he looks at me; and it makes no sense! I have a crush like a 12-year-old!  Well, anyway I found out he's been with the same girl for years.  He loves her.  Of course he does.  My friend has convinced me that he smiles and stares and mildly flirts with me; which I thought too.  But once again all my hopes came crashing down.  He's just a nice kid, it ends there.  I got excited...and look what happened.  Even though I know he's untouchable, I still can't help but smile back.  I suppose I'll have to settle for that.

This entry is a perfect example of my mindflow today.  All over the place, up and down.  I've got to get out of this rut I'm stuck in.  Something's got to change.  I've got to change.


  1. Awwwe. Well- here's to changing... One thing with "getting wasted", it makes things worse...especially when you are hurting. After Angel died, I tried drinking a glass of wine (I thought hmmm, maybe I can escape the bad feelings by getting some type of good feelings) and it made everything so much worse... I got depressed way more. I've learned that it takes a long time to change yourself... Do you read the bible? I find that when I get really lost in life- reading the bible each day REALLY helps me... it brings me back to where I need to be and makes me feel peace. Once you take care of yourself...everything else will fall into place (Jobs, school and even love)... if that makes any sense. I'm nowhere near perfect and struggle each day- but grief is a long journey and since you just started to talk about it- it's like you are walking it from the very beginning. HUGS to you!

  2. I agree completely with Erica...Get in the Word and you WILL be a better person for it. It will give you a very different perspective! I'm proud of you for finally confronting your loss...Remember that God has an amazing way of turning even the most terrible things into a mysterious joy. Like, I miss Zachary fiercely, but I have joy knowing that he's in Heaven with our Saviour...and even more that I can look forward to seeing him again when I get there. Man, I can't wait to chill in his mansion!!

    and...P.S...I totally saw you crushing on him and know exactly who you are talking about ;)

  3. I am trying to learn from the Bible. Unfortunately, I was brought up to me it was always more like a rule book than something to mend my heart. I have definitely seen the Bible in a different light lately, though. Like my friend says, it's a process. Like everything else. I have faith, and I do know my Angel is in Heaven. I'm just not at a point yet where I'm totally convinced that I'll ever be at peace. I believe in God and Jesus, I know that. And I trust Him to guide me where I need to go in life. I'm just waiting for a sign.

    ...and P.S. - I'm so embarrassed about my crush, Jaclyn, LOL. I should have known it was obvious. I really don't know where it came from! But it is, yet again, another epic fail :-(

  4. Jesus can give you more comfort than you can imagine, Jackie. I haven't had to endure something like you have but I've seen Jaclyn through the last year and half and it's clear that God has been working in her life as a result of Zachary. He can do amazing things through you, too, if you let Him.

  5. Jackie, you don't have to wait for a "sign" to know what God wants for your life...He has already given you a conviction for certain things which is pretty obvious from your post. Start there...change those things and do it for His'll find that they aren't even a sacrifice...they are improvements. Just make yourself willing and God WILL use you! The Bible says that God will give you perfect peace when your mind is fixed on Him...what better way to do that then to dive into the Bible...His letter to you!! Make the verses personal and find some favorites that you can keep in mind. The power of His Word and the power of prayer are like two sticks of dynamite...they will make an impact in your life...Be assured, you will find the peace that you seek...

    Sorry this was so long...I've been thinking about you today :)

  6. It wasn't too long. I really appreciate everything you've said. I am going to find time to clear my head and really read the Bible like you're supposed to...with your whole heart. I just haven't been myself lately...or really since I can remember. I need to let God in; it's the only way for me to get back to where I need to be. Thank you so much for everything! :-)