Surviving

First of all, thank you all SO MUCH for your comments, concerns and prayers. They have helped! I'm not going to say that everything is well; but I'm certainly better today than I was last night. My friend and I talked today, and though I don't think it will be quite the same for a while; I don't think we're too far gone to save our friendship. As for my son, I can only hope that he forgives me, and that will be enough. Jaclyn, you're right: my love should be enough!

Needless to say, I need to get going back to church and make God an even bigger part of my life. It's a struggle, I know, but like one of you said, it can only go up from the bottom...which is where I am now. I have to have faith, even when it's hard to, that He will lift me up and show me the way to His love.

Thank you so so so much again for all of your kind words, prayers and thoughts. God must not ever be far from me if I have all of you.

"Tied together with a smile, but (I'm) coming undone"

It's been cold for the past few days = fall is coming; and I can't wait to jump off a bridge see the leaves turn red. I'm so distraught happy that Trevor's birthday is coming up! My birthday of course comes first (Sept. 25th), but there's no even thinking of that once it starts to feel like fall again. In 2004, I was only consciously pregnant from late August (like, this week) until November 22, when my Angel was born and went to be with God. Autumn weather has always been my favorite time of year, and it's bittersweet totally awesome. And it does NOT feel like it's been 5 years already! My baby boy should be heading to pre-school, if not kindergarten next week, and it's killing me very nostalgic!

Okay, time for brutal honesty: I wish I could just f****ng enjoy the fall like every other normal person!!!!!! Autumn used to be the happiest time of the year; my birthday, my best friend's birthday, apple picking, pumpkin patches, hayrides, haunted houses, costumes, cool, crisp air, fallen leaves, boots, sweaters, good food, honoring our Veterans, my son's birthday...oh wait, not planning my son's birthday party; planning his memorial ceremony. Not dressing him up like Spiderman or Batman or whoever the heck he wants to be. He's not turning 5, he's not unpredictable, and definitely not melting me more every day with his words. Oh, and he's not sooooo smart and he's not getting soooo big! I can't wait to not drop him off at pre-school; you know the day where mothers everywhere say they're "letting go" of their babies? You don't know the meaning!!!!!!

Don't worry though, I'm doing worse than I've ever been because it's the first year that everyone will know about Trevor's birthday and I have a memorial to plan just fine.

"Nicholas" and I on Trevor's 1st birthday, 11/22/05

Demons

I feel like it's been a few days since I've posted.  I don't know what to say, really.  I'm still miserable, still waking up every day almost wishing I hadn't.  The little "signs" from my son have really quieted down...and I don't like that.  I almost never catch the clock at 22 past the hour anymore, which I always have...and I definitely don't like that.  Just as I felt that Trevor was always with me and close to me, now I feel like he's slipping away.  I know that sounds stupid to begin with, because, well he never was really here at home with me, anyway.  But to me, I feel like he's fading over the past few days.  I want his little Angel spirit with me always!

Also, I had the most heartbreaking, terrible, horrifying nightmare of my life, the night before last.  I dreamt I was in a giant black "room" (felt like a black hole to me), and way on the opposite side is the tiniest bit of light shining on my son.  He's curled up in a ball, sitting on the floor and crying.  He's SCREAMING for me.  "Mama, HELP ME!  Why won't you help me?  Mama, please help me!"  Then these very tall, frightening "men" wearing all black robes and black wings come to me and say "If you speak, we'll hurt him.  If you move, we'll slowly and painfully kill Trevor"  They used his name!  The thing is, as much as I wanted to save my son, I physically couldn't move or speak.  Trevor just keeps saying, "Mama, why won't you help me?  Why won't you come save me?"  ...and I can't even speak to tell him that I can't even move!  But I manage to ask questions to these "men".  I ask who they are, "We're angels," they say.  I tell them "No you're not!  Angels wouldn't hurt my baby!  Where is Jesus?  He'll tell you.  He'll tell you you're not Angels!  He'll fix this! Where is Jesus?"  But they laugh and laugh at me, all the while Trevor is SCREAMING for me, and I can't help him.  They tell me, "if you wake up, Trevor dies."  So I try to stay asleep!  The weirdest thing is, I slept almost all day! It definitely ruined my day yesterday, I'll tell you that.  It was so real!  I woke up drenched with tears!  I don't know what that dream was about, but I sure as hell don't like it.

Then, the little "signs" from Trevor die down, and I stop seeing the 22 after the hour.  I just don't like it, at all.

Bi-Polar!

Wow, what a topsy-turvy day!  I'm happy, then I'm sad; I'm okay, then I'm falling apart.  I don't know from one minute to the next where I'll be mentally!

Church was great tonight. I cried my eyes out, but I always do.  I always end up thinking of Trevor somehow.  Someone always says something!  But, I'm okay with that.  If you can't lose it in church, where can you feel safe?  So, we had a guest speaker, Brother Gibbs.  What a great guy!  I was so moved by his words.  I only wish I was a better person for it.

I have got to change something in my life.  I'm not right.  Really.  I have no job, I can't ever finish a semester of school, I barely see any of my friends except one anymore; I go to bed at 6AM and sleep until 3PM, I've been getting wasted every weekend.  I am so unhappy with myself.  It's like, I'm spiraling downward and I can't stop it.  I blame it on being a grieving mother; but really, that's not the way to handle this!  I am just so lost.  It seems like every time there's prospectively something good coming my way, it's gone in the blink of an eye!

Like this guy.  He goes the to the church I've been going to.  We've only spoken once, but I'm completely smitten!  It's ridiculous!  From the first day I started going there, I was all distracted and told my friend I thought he was cute.  It's so weird, because her and I have both agreed he is so not my type!  He's apparently younger than me, which is not something I've ever been okay with.  He's kind of a dork, but he's so cute to me.  There's something about him that makes it impossible not to melt every time he looks at me; and it makes no sense! I have a crush like a 12-year-old!  Well, anyway I found out he's been with the same girl for years.  He loves her.  Of course he does.  My friend has convinced me that he smiles and stares and mildly flirts with me; which I thought too.  But once again all my hopes came crashing down.  He's just a nice kid, it ends there.  I got excited...and look what happened.  Even though I know he's untouchable, I still can't help but smile back.  I suppose I'll have to settle for that.

This entry is a perfect example of my mindflow today.  All over the place, up and down.  I've got to get out of this rut I'm stuck in.  Something's got to change.  I've got to change.

Break My Dreams

Okay, so last night I tried to, for the first time in a LONG time, go out and have a good time.  I should have known better! My cousin and his girlfriend just turned 21 this month, so we decided to go out to a local bar and have a few celebratory cocktails.  I ran into some friends from high school, and it was overall a fun and endearing situation.  I was having a great time.  How I missed this next part coming is beyond me.  We were at a bar down near my house, called Gillian's.  I guess it's a popular place to be in South County.  Which I knew; I was the one who wanted to go there.

I see a group of guys leaving.  Somehow, I didn't see them at all the half hour I had been there.  I take a sip of my drink, realize who's walking out, stop everything I'm doing, and all in one motion I see him.  "Nicholas", Trevor's father.  We haven't spoken or seen each other face-to-face in over two years.  I guess until now I had let go of all the animosity.  I had started coming to terms with the fact that he's a good guy, and maybe we're just different people.  But in that moment, I remembered why we are apart.  He looked at me, as if to try and cut me with his eyes.  Those green eyes that once melted my heart are now piercing me like a knife.  I've almost never seen him so angry.  I've never seen so much hatred in those eyes.  I'm wondering, what went through his mind?

I always knew this day would come.  We live in the smallest state, and even living at opposite ends of it we're only half an hour away.  But why, in such a small state is someone from half and hour away at Gillian's?  I was almost hoping lately that we'd run into each other.  I thought, maybe it would ease my mind.  Instead, it's tossed me up in the air, and I don't know how to land without crashing.  I know we were in a fight last time we spoke; I know we (obviously) have a history, but why was he so horrible?  Even the people I had run into at the bar, were shocked and angry at the look he gave me.  He said nothing, yet he said so much.  That's always been his way, though.  Always.

I have never been more hurt.  I'm starting to dislike myself again.  He always had me brainwashed into thinking I was the scum on the bottom of his shoe; that he was better than me and I'd never amount to anything.  I don't know that he's ever said that out loud, but he might as well have over the years.  Here I am all this time giving him credit!  Thinking he just didn't know how to deal with Trevor's death and maybe he just couldn't handle it all.  But now I think he's really just a horrible person.  After all we've been through, not only do you not say hello, you CRUSH me like that?  What happened to the boy I fell in love with?  Where is the boy who was helping me through my frightened teenage pregnancy, who wanted to marry me and take care of his son?  I know you're probably reading this and thinking I'm overreacting; it was just a look.  But that look, said a thousand hurtful and horrible things in one instant.

What's worse is I chased him!  He walked out the doors and I RAN after him!  He didn't notice, and I stopped myself at the outside door, but how pathetic am I?  I didn't know what else to do!  I had so much to say, so many questions to ask him.  I let him walk away.  Even if we fought, at least I'd know for sure what he's thinking.  I thought I didn't care about him.  I thought I was past this!  I thought I had convinced myself I wasn't worthless, and that Nicholas wasn't going to dictate the way I live my life.

I wonder if he heard through the grapevine (i.e., my dear, but incapable-of-keeping-her-mouth-shut friend, Courtney) that I've been opening up about Trevor.  I know we always said we'd never talk about it; but that's not fair!  I WON'T forget my son and act like he never existed.  I WILL NOT.  I don't care if Nicholas flips out, denies it, hates me, threatens me...the one thing I will not do is go back to not talking about my son.  He is MY SON, not some accident that happened four years ago that I'm going to push to the back of my mind and erase.  I did that for four f***ing years, and I won't waste another day not remembering that precious little life.

I'm sorry for rambling, swearing, getting mad, etc.  I just had to get it out.  Now there's another whole side to my pain.  Another thing to be angry about; another thing to "mourn", if you will.   I loved Nicholas in my memory as a lost boy who happened to handle our tragedy poorly.  Now, again, he's just the a**hole who tore my heart out and stomped on it.