Demons

I feel like it's been a few days since I've posted.  I don't know what to say, really.  I'm still miserable, still waking up every day almost wishing I hadn't.  The little "signs" from my son have really quieted down...and I don't like that.  I almost never catch the clock at 22 past the hour anymore, which I always have...and I definitely don't like that.  Just as I felt that Trevor was always with me and close to me, now I feel like he's slipping away.  I know that sounds stupid to begin with, because, well he never was really here at home with me, anyway.  But to me, I feel like he's fading over the past few days.  I want his little Angel spirit with me always!

Also, I had the most heartbreaking, terrible, horrifying nightmare of my life, the night before last.  I dreamt I was in a giant black "room" (felt like a black hole to me), and way on the opposite side is the tiniest bit of light shining on my son.  He's curled up in a ball, sitting on the floor and crying.  He's SCREAMING for me.  "Mama, HELP ME!  Why won't you help me?  Mama, please help me!"  Then these very tall, frightening "men" wearing all black robes and black wings come to me and say "If you speak, we'll hurt him.  If you move, we'll slowly and painfully kill Trevor"  They used his name!  The thing is, as much as I wanted to save my son, I physically couldn't move or speak.  Trevor just keeps saying, "Mama, why won't you help me?  Why won't you come save me?"  ...and I can't even speak to tell him that I can't even move!  But I manage to ask questions to these "men".  I ask who they are, "We're angels," they say.  I tell them "No you're not!  Angels wouldn't hurt my baby!  Where is Jesus?  He'll tell you.  He'll tell you you're not Angels!  He'll fix this! Where is Jesus?"  But they laugh and laugh at me, all the while Trevor is SCREAMING for me, and I can't help him.  They tell me, "if you wake up, Trevor dies."  So I try to stay asleep!  The weirdest thing is, I slept almost all day! It definitely ruined my day yesterday, I'll tell you that.  It was so real!  I woke up drenched with tears!  I don't know what that dream was about, but I sure as hell don't like it.

Then, the little "signs" from Trevor die down, and I stop seeing the 22 after the hour.  I just don't like it, at all.

Angel Always With Me

So today is a little bit better than usual.  Bittersweet, I guess.  It's cold and rainy out and I hate this weather.  But for some reason there is a stillness and peace about it.  This morning I was sitting here on the computer and something in my bathroom down the hall basically threw itself off the counter.  It made a HUGE noise!  I talk to my son frequently, so I said "Trev, is that you?"  Right after I asked, my alarm went off in the bedroom!  It wasn't set or anything!  It's almost like he had me chasing him around the apartment for fun.

It was fun.  Call me crazy, but I know my little boy is trying to show me he's okay.  Ever since I started honoring his life, he's been giving a little bit back.  Even just a few minutes ago I heard giggling.  Which is not odd, since there's a daycare in my apartment complex...but there are no children outside today, it's raining!

Believe what you will, I know these things don't make sense.  But I believe them;  I believe my son is with me.  So at least I can find comfort in these little signs.  Either way, I'm having a good day because of it...and I haven't have many of those lately.