"Tied together with a smile, but (I'm) coming undone"

It's been cold for the past few days = fall is coming; and I can't wait to jump off a bridge see the leaves turn red. I'm so distraught happy that Trevor's birthday is coming up! My birthday of course comes first (Sept. 25th), but there's no even thinking of that once it starts to feel like fall again. In 2004, I was only consciously pregnant from late August (like, this week) until November 22, when my Angel was born and went to be with God. Autumn weather has always been my favorite time of year, and it's bittersweet totally awesome. And it does NOT feel like it's been 5 years already! My baby boy should be heading to pre-school, if not kindergarten next week, and it's killing me very nostalgic!

Okay, time for brutal honesty: I wish I could just f****ng enjoy the fall like every other normal person!!!!!! Autumn used to be the happiest time of the year; my birthday, my best friend's birthday, apple picking, pumpkin patches, hayrides, haunted houses, costumes, cool, crisp air, fallen leaves, boots, sweaters, good food, honoring our Veterans, my son's birthday...oh wait, not planning my son's birthday party; planning his memorial ceremony. Not dressing him up like Spiderman or Batman or whoever the heck he wants to be. He's not turning 5, he's not unpredictable, and definitely not melting me more every day with his words. Oh, and he's not sooooo smart and he's not getting soooo big! I can't wait to not drop him off at pre-school; you know the day where mothers everywhere say they're "letting go" of their babies? You don't know the meaning!!!!!!

Don't worry though, I'm doing worse than I've ever been because it's the first year that everyone will know about Trevor's birthday and I have a memorial to plan just fine.

"Nicholas" and I on Trevor's 1st birthday, 11/22/05

Angel Always With Me

So today is a little bit better than usual.  Bittersweet, I guess.  It's cold and rainy out and I hate this weather.  But for some reason there is a stillness and peace about it.  This morning I was sitting here on the computer and something in my bathroom down the hall basically threw itself off the counter.  It made a HUGE noise!  I talk to my son frequently, so I said "Trev, is that you?"  Right after I asked, my alarm went off in the bedroom!  It wasn't set or anything!  It's almost like he had me chasing him around the apartment for fun.

It was fun.  Call me crazy, but I know my little boy is trying to show me he's okay.  Ever since I started honoring his life, he's been giving a little bit back.  Even just a few minutes ago I heard giggling.  Which is not odd, since there's a daycare in my apartment complex...but there are no children outside today, it's raining!

Believe what you will, I know these things don't make sense.  But I believe them;  I believe my son is with me.  So at least I can find comfort in these little signs.  Either way, I'm having a good day because of it...and I haven't have many of those lately.