Monday, March 30, 2009

Break My Dreams

Okay, so last night I tried to, for the first time in a LONG time, go out and have a good time.  I should have known better! My cousin and his girlfriend just turned 21 this month, so we decided to go out to a local bar and have a few celebratory cocktails.  I ran into some friends from high school, and it was overall a fun and endearing situation.  I was having a great time.  How I missed this next part coming is beyond me.  We were at a bar down near my house, called Gillian's.  I guess it's a popular place to be in South County.  Which I knew; I was the one who wanted to go there.

I see a group of guys leaving.  Somehow, I didn't see them at all the half hour I had been there.  I take a sip of my drink, realize who's walking out, stop everything I'm doing, and all in one motion I see him.  "Nicholas", Trevor's father.  We haven't spoken or seen each other face-to-face in over two years.  I guess until now I had let go of all the animosity.  I had started coming to terms with the fact that he's a good guy, and maybe we're just different people.  But in that moment, I remembered why we are apart.  He looked at me, as if to try and cut me with his eyes.  Those green eyes that once melted my heart are now piercing me like a knife.  I've almost never seen him so angry.  I've never seen so much hatred in those eyes.  I'm wondering, what went through his mind?

I always knew this day would come.  We live in the smallest state, and even living at opposite ends of it we're only half an hour away.  But why, in such a small state is someone from half and hour away at Gillian's?  I was almost hoping lately that we'd run into each other.  I thought, maybe it would ease my mind.  Instead, it's tossed me up in the air, and I don't know how to land without crashing.  I know we were in a fight last time we spoke; I know we (obviously) have a history, but why was he so horrible?  Even the people I had run into at the bar, were shocked and angry at the look he gave me.  He said nothing, yet he said so much.  That's always been his way, though.  Always.

I have never been more hurt.  I'm starting to dislike myself again.  He always had me brainwashed into thinking I was the scum on the bottom of his shoe; that he was better than me and I'd never amount to anything.  I don't know that he's ever said that out loud, but he might as well have over the years.  Here I am all this time giving him credit!  Thinking he just didn't know how to deal with Trevor's death and maybe he just couldn't handle it all.  But now I think he's really just a horrible person.  After all we've been through, not only do you not say hello, you CRUSH me like that?  What happened to the boy I fell in love with?  Where is the boy who was helping me through my frightened teenage pregnancy, who wanted to marry me and take care of his son?  I know you're probably reading this and thinking I'm overreacting; it was just a look.  But that look, said a thousand hurtful and horrible things in one instant.

What's worse is I chased him!  He walked out the doors and I RAN after him!  He didn't notice, and I stopped myself at the outside door, but how pathetic am I?  I didn't know what else to do!  I had so much to say, so many questions to ask him.  I let him walk away.  Even if we fought, at least I'd know for sure what he's thinking.  I thought I didn't care about him.  I thought I was past this!  I thought I had convinced myself I wasn't worthless, and that Nicholas wasn't going to dictate the way I live my life.

I wonder if he heard through the grapevine (i.e., my dear, but incapable-of-keeping-her-mouth-shut friend, Courtney) that I've been opening up about Trevor.  I know we always said we'd never talk about it; but that's not fair!  I WON'T forget my son and act like he never existed.  I WILL NOT.  I don't care if Nicholas flips out, denies it, hates me, threatens me...the one thing I will not do is go back to not talking about my son.  He is MY SON, not some accident that happened four years ago that I'm going to push to the back of my mind and erase.  I did that for four f***ing years, and I won't waste another day not remembering that precious little life.

I'm sorry for rambling, swearing, getting mad, etc.  I just had to get it out.  Now there's another whole side to my pain.  Another thing to be angry about; another thing to "mourn", if you will.   I loved Nicholas in my memory as a lost boy who happened to handle our tragedy poorly.  Now, again, he's just the a**hole who tore my heart out and stomped on it.


  1. Oh honey, don't be sorry! I don't know you, but I am sure you are not the scum on the bottom of anyone's shoe! Of course you still feel something towards this man, he is the father of your child. But that doesn't mean he owns you. Don't let him dictate how you live your life or how you feel about yourself. And my no means let him stop you from talking about and honoring your son. Trevor is your child and always will be. I am so sorry he upset you. You deserve better than him, though. Keep your chin up, sweetie. ((hugs))

  2. Honey you are NOT the scum on the bottom of shoes. You probably always feel something towards this guy but that does not mean you belong to him EVER. Don't let him win and don't let him dictate your feelings and control you!!

    He has no say so in how you honor your beautiful angel!

  3. I found your blog today. I am so sorry for the loss of your little boy, he was beautiful. You have every right to talk about it and him. Actually, not talking about it is worse... the pain will only build up inside you- I am so glad you decided to join the blogging world- it really helps to "vent your feelings" into a blog... Looks do hurt...I too would of been hurt. I don't know why some people are so cruel... Hugs to you! (My daughter was born early at 18 weeks last march 15th- feel free to come by my blog anytime! I am always here for you, if you need someone to share your feelings with)