Monday, April 13, 2009

Conflict and Progress

So, I almost told my Mom yesterday.  (If you're confused, read "My Story, My Son; How My Angel Earned His Wings" -----> to the right.)  It was Easter, and I practiced all the way up to my Mom's house.  What I would say, how I would help her understand.  I had it all figured out.  My brother would be upstairs playing video games, and she'd be in the kitchen, making Easter dinner.  We'd have some time alone and I could tell her all about the little light in my life I call Trevor.  I want her to love him like I do.  I want her to be able to know she has a little grandson up there with my Dad in Heaven; and that they're having the time of their (after-)lives.  I want her to know, that even though she had a stillborn daughter before even I was born, that she's not alone.

I got there, and chaos it was.  My mom's upstairs, yelling down, asking my brother what the hell he did with all her laundry.  Bro's in the living room, running back and forth with the dog like a crazy person.  My uncle is there, making some food in the kitchen, singing a tune.  It just didn't seem like a good time.  So I think, I'll tell my Mom and brother when we're visiting my Dad's grave.  We go to my Grandma's house, and on the way back, stop at the cemetery.  We were planting flowers, but the wind chill is like negative 40,000 degrees for some reason, and we're all too busy swearing at how cold it is, and trying to dig up dirt to plant tulips, that it's just not do-able (welcome to my family, by the way).  I never ended up telling Grandma about my little Angel.  There just wasn't a good time.  But I realized later, there never really is a "good time" to have a conversation like that.  I was thinking of writing her a letter about it, and just giving it to her and not being there when she reads it.  I know that's the chicken way of doing it; but I've been keeping it from her from so long I almost don't know if I want to tell her.  I remember reading on a blog (don't remember where), how sad this mother felt because her mother, Angel's grandmother, was also grieving for her child's loss.  I don't want my mother to even know I'm suffering like that.  I don't want her to see the pain in my eyes; and she will.  I know what it's like to see your child in pain, and not be able to help them.  I don't want her to have to grieve another person, her grandson; her only grandchild so far.  I  AM SO TIRED OF LYING!  I AM TIRED OF HIDING MY SON FROM THE WORLD!  But then again, if I tell my family, I have to go through it all over again.  For the third time.  I am making progress, and I feel like I'll end up taking a step back.  I am so conflicted.


On a sort of brighter note, I have made more progress.  Just a little thing, but I feel great about it.  My friend (who has two children) and I were in the drugstore on Saturday, and she was trying to get some last-minute things for her kids for Easter.  She looked at me, and knew I was upset because I have no little boy to buy an Easter present for.  She said something that changed my views completely.  She said, "You know, you do have a son.  He might not be here, but you do have him.  If you want to get him something for Easter, you should get him something for Easter."  So I did.  He would be four-and-almost-a-half right now.  I was thinking, he's a little old for stuffed bunnies, but I think these are cute.  I said, "A four-year-old boy would think this was stupid."  She said, "Not a sweet one."  Trevor would certainly be a "sweet one"!  So I got a baby blue stuffed bunny with a plastic container full of jelly beans, that says "Happy Easter".  

I wrote the date and occasion (in case some day it's not obvious what holiday the bunny was for, lol) on the back of the tag.  From now on, I am going to get Trev something for holidays.  I DO HAVE A SON.  I AM A MOTHER.  We just have a different kind of mother-son relationship than others.


  1. this post made me want to cry...sad and happy tears...

    first off, i think you should tell your mom. i don't know your family so i can't really give you much advise on this, but i think that telling her would help in this process. the less you try to cover up Trevor's life, the more you will be able to celebrate the ways that he has touched your life. i hope that your mom would react in a loving way and give you a big hug and tell you that it's all gonna be all right.

    second, what a great way to express your love to trevor! i still buy zachary things and bring them to the cemetary...we even have a miniature christmas tree with miniature ornaments...perfect for a preemie!

    keep expressing yourself, jackie! and if you ever need to talk...well, you know where to find me :)

  2. Hi, thank you for your post on my blog. I'm glad you bought the bunny for your son. I haven't gotten anything for my daughter this year. I guess she recently received the best gift a little girl in Heaven could get... her daddy. I have been mostly avoiding holidays so far this year. I would have the last couple years but my husband insisted, but now I know he is celebrating with her. Thank you again for posting on my blog. I"ll add myself as a follower so I can get to know you and your son.

    I haven't read the story yet (I will) but you mentioned enough here for me to know that your mom didn't know you were pregnant / had a baby. So here's a possible suggest. Tell her you started a blog and would like her to read it... link it to this.

    I know it will only get harder as time goes on, if you don't tell her. I know that families can be difficult and that some families (mine included) pretty much ignore the fact that our children were ever here. But I think they deserve at least the chance to be supportive. If they can't be that's their loss, but you are obviously feeling alone... give them a chance to be there for you, to show you support.

  3. Hugs to you!! I hope that you figure out a way to tell her. I know that in time you will. I think the blog idea is a great way to tell her (if she's into the net, my mom isn't)...or send her a letter in the mail.

    The bear is so cute and I know your son loves it.

  4. Thank you all so much! My mom is definitely not even trying to do the internet thing. That probably would have been an EXCELLENT idea, though! I could mail the letter, but my freakin' brother gets the mail, and opens it like a brat. I'm going to have to suck it up and tell her myself. I just don't know know if I'm quite ready yet. Close, but no cigar.

  5. Hi Jackie, I'm Jaclyn's mom, Cheryl, and I have read your post on telling your mom about Trevor; I would recommend you telling her in person, as difficult a thing as it will be. I don't know how she'll react or what kind of mom she is,but I do know that she would probably want to know more than she would not want to know that she has a grandson! I think if you approach her in a humble manner she will be receptive. And as far as you not wanting her to see the pain you have gone through for the past 4 1/2 years....she will need the right to grieve also. As others have said...I don't know your mom but I'm sure she loves you and would like to know that you know she's there for you. I, as a mom, would want to know and to help you....
    I hope this is helpful to your decision.
    Praying for you,

  6. Cheryl, I really appreciate the fact that you took the time to read my blog and give advice :-) I am so glad to have met your daughter! I am planning on telling my Mom...I have to! I need to prepare myself to be calm, as hard as it is. I also need to be prepared to help HER through hearing it. I only recently decided I would open up about it's going to take a while I guess. But I'm getting close to ready! Thanks so much again for your words and prayers. :-)