Sunday, April 19, 2009

Coming Clean

I did it!  I finally told my mother about Trevor.  It was honestly so much easier than all the pain I've put myself through over the years wondering how it would go.  I wasn't sure I was ready, but it just came out.  I was going up to my Mom's on friday night to pick up my brother for our usual friday night festivities.  I always practice how I would tell her on the drive up, but never expect that I'll have the courage to tell her.  I saw her, and I just couldn't take it anymore.  I shut her bedroom door and said "I've got to tell you a story."  I thought I could remain strong, but I started crying before I even spoke.  She looked concerned, and I said, "It's okay, I just have to tell you something.  When I was 19, me and 'Nicholas' had a baby, and he died."  Not the most eloquently worded thing in the world, but at least I got it out.

I think about it now and there's a million things I would have said differently, but such is life.  I told her we named him Trevor Michael; and that he was born alive but he was just too little to survive.  I told her that Trevor is what made me want to start going to church and finding God.  I told her that's why I am doing the March for Babies (which she then sponsored me for...I have reached my fundraising goal!)  I told her she can tell anyone she wants, and that I am just so tired of hiding him.  I showed her Trevor's Name In The Sand, and she thought it was beautiful.  She cried, and I'm sure she's grieving now, too.  But I am so relieved to be able to be honest with her.  She told me (though I already knew) that she also lost a baby, and she was only 19, too.  I never thought my own mother would be the one who could relate to me.  She's glad she has a grandson, and she's only sorry that I felt I couldn't tell her.  She said that she can't believe I've been going through this alone for so long.  Neither can I.  She also said if she ever sees "Nicholas" again, she's going to make him wish he'd never gotten out of bed that day.  I don't blame her.

I'm exhausted; and I've got a long day tomorrow.  But I had to share the news!  I am so relieved, and I want to thank everyone who has encouraged me to get this far.  I don't know what I would have done without your kind words and advice.  I'll update again soon!

7 comments:

  1. I am so proud of you! :) ((HUGS))

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  2. How awesome that you told her. Maybe you and her will have a closer relationship now that you don't have a wall there. That was very brave of you to do!

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  3. I'm so glad you told her and things came together nicely! YAY! Hugs to you!

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  4. I am very glad that you told her! (((Hugs)))

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  5. Oh Huni! This post made me cry!! I'm so glad you told her!! And I bet you feel so much better

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  6. Hi Jackie! I'm soooo happy that your secret pain is no longer a secret! You must feel like a weight has been lifted from you! I'm glad your mom had a loving response....really, how could she not! seeing she has been through the same pain. Isn't it funny how we can carry things that need to be shared for soooo long, worrying about how to say it, when to say it, how it will be received....and when its out there we think, that wasn't so bad!
    I think God brought you to Ocean State to meet Jaclyn! She is an inspiring person, I may be a bit biased, but you can't help but love her! She is an inspiration to me and I'm her mom! I know she draws her strength from the Word of God and I believe that because of Zachary, the Lord will use her to help others. She is a good friend,but always remember to draw your strength first from the Lord. I'm proud of you for taking the leap of faith and confide in your mom!!! God Bless!

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  7. Cheryl, I completely agree that God brought Jaclyn and I together! I would have never had the strength to be open about my son had it not been for her, and of course, our Lord. Though God is the one who ultimately makes things happen, Jaclyn is one of those who have brought me closer to Him. I am thankful for Jaclyn, you and everyone else I have met through OSBC. I truly appreciate your caring words and attention to my situation. :-)

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