Fight for Preemies // Bloggers Unite

Fight for Preemies // Bloggers Unite

It's been a while/Dear Trevor

Hello, fellow bloggers! It's been quite some time since I've been able to write here. I don't know if it's my schedule, or my pessimism that has kept me away, but it's mostly over now. I have some exciting things coming in my life; the details of which I will share with you all in a few weeks. For now, I thought I'd write to all of you, and my son at the same time. Hope you are all doing well - I miss you!

Dear Trevor,

I caught 11:22 on the drive home tonight. You made me smile, as always. Did you know that you're exactly 5-and-a-half today? What a big, handsome boy you'd be! I'm sure you're up there in that mansion, having you're very own half-birthday with your little Angel friends! I think that your "cousin," Miles, can feel you here with us. He's only two, but I swear he knows you're there sometimes. That makes me smile, too. His sister - your other cousin, Emily, will be four tomorrow. I know you'll be there with me at the birthday party! (She helped me blow out your candles this year, remember?)

On another note, I want to thank you, Little Man. Thank you for being my Angel; my first baby, my little boy. Even though we can't be together right now, I thank God every single day for the time we had together. You are the one thing in my world that I love more than anything; the light of my life. You have taught me so much by only having come to me, no matter how short of a time you were here. I love you!

I know your birthday is not until November, but I've been thinking about your party. I think we're going to go with Nemo this year. He reminds me of you :-) I can't believe you're closer to six, than five. I'm sure you've grown up way too fast! I only hope that your Papa can keep up with you!

I'm sure you're looking down on me, and that you know all about the plans I have for my future. I hope that you're as excited as I am! I miss you, baby. I only wish I could kiss your precious face and run my fingers through your dark brown curls. Someday. Keep sending me your little signs, Trev...it's what keeps me going every day. Be a good little Angel, and Mama will be with you before you know it! I love you so so so so so much, Trevor Michael!

With my unconditional love, always,

Mama <3

LOVE

Over the past few days, I learned a whole hell of a lot about love. Not that I didn't know anything about the subject; I have just recently been failing to see love for what it is. I have learned that love, as a concept doesn't have anything at all to do with romance. Sure, it's there in romantic relationships...but let's think about all the non-romance types of love. For one, the love that a parent has for their child, and vice versa. Though I spent only minutes with Trevor, I have never in my life before him, or after his birth felt love in the same way that I feel about my son. From the second I even knew he was in my womb, this little boy (though he wasn't even for sure a boy yet) was my world. "It's just me and you against the world, baby," I would tell him. It was, just me and him, against the world...it still is. Because of the few moments I spent with my son, the 24 years I've spent with my mother, and the 20 years I spent with my father, I can imagine exactly how Trevor feels about me. I imagine my Angel loves me a whole lot from Heaven. Even more than I could ever love him from little old Earth. And that's more than I would have ever imagined, before him. I wouldn't trade the love I feel for my son for anything in the entire world, and it is that love that keeps me alive every day.

Amongst this post about love, I absolutely must ask you all to pray for Eva. This young woman is less than a year younger than me, which blows my mind. She is far more mature than I'll be even 5 years from now. Please take the time to visit her blog and watch her farewell video. I will warn you, it will break your heart. On the other hand, Eva taught me a lot of very important lessons, in less than 7 minutes. She is beautiful, smart, and one of the bravest women I have ever heard of. I learned a lot of things from Eva's story, but the thing that strikes me the most is something that should be so obvious. That is, love is simple. Really, it is! It takes next to nothing to love another; or at least, it should take next to nothing. I have found that in my life, love has become something I resent, or am jealous of. Eva made me realize how selfish I've been. I've got plenty of love from plenty of people, and that really is all that matters.

Another kind of love, the greatest of all, I have to mention. That is the Love of God for his children. I thank God every single day for the love that He gives me. Though this is a love we can never understand, we can understand at least that it is greater than any love we will ever experience here on Earth. No matter what anyone else has to say, God will always love me. No matter what. So thank you, Lord, for loving me.

I'm going to try to love more; and more often. I'm going to post a Bible verse that I'm sure you've all read before. My best friend and I had a pretty bad falling out last weekend, and after all was said and done, she posted this as her status. I have always loved this verse, but over the past few years I have grown into jealous and bitter and hateful person; someone I've never wanted to be. It took only God's Word to touch my heart and make me look at life from a different angle. This time, when you read these words, take the time to think about what they really say...

If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes the imperfect disappears.

1 Corinthians 13:3-10 (NIV)

I Heart Faces: "Texture"

This week's photo is one I took of Taylor Hanson in Tulsa last May. I may have gone about this whole "texture" idea differently from everyone else, but it's there nonetheless. I really didn't have to do much with my photo program to represent texture in this photo. It's got a ton of it's own textures: his hair, the leather jacket, the sunglass lenses, the paint and metal on the sign behind him, his necklace charm, etc. I did do a little layering and "antiquing", but otherwise this was as is. Hope you enjoy :-)

7 Years

Seven years.

That's how long it's been since Trevor's father, "Nicholas", and I started "officially" dating. Today would be our 7 YEAR anniversary. I was 17 years old, now I'm 24. Obviously, a lot has changed. Except the things that should have changed. Like me, thinking about Nicholas every day; comparing stories with people, saying "Nicholas and I used to..." or "That's like one time, when Nicholas..." It hit me the other day. WOW, it's going to have been SEVEN YEARS since we started dating. Three since we broke up. Even then, I was 21.

It HAS to be high time to move on. I've got to get over him. Now, this won't be easy; he is Trevor's father. So I can't never, ever talk about him again. There is no question. But I can take myself mentally out of his life. I suppose I've been "out of his life" for three years now. But I have still, daily, wondered what he was doing. I have still been worrying about the times I've run into him. I've still been thinking (and talking) about how we would be married by now, with or without Trevor. I keep trying to find out through the grapevine what he's up to. I need to stop!

So today, marks the day I started trying. Trying to get over him; trying to move on. Trying to live my life for the future and not for the past. That's a big one. I am one of those people who lives in the past. I dwell on it; drown in it. I need to look towards my future as a strong, Christian woman who can take care of herself. I want to need no man in my life; though I need to have faith that one will come. My knight in shining armor is out there somewhere. I may have already found him; but I've been running from him because of my past experience. The abused little girl in my past whose son was stolen from her needs to let go, and become the strong woman; the wife, the mother that I know I will be.

I'll never "get over" my son. I don't want to. But that doesn't mean that I can't get over his father. Our relationship is over. OVER. He's not coming back. And in reality, I never wanted him to; or I would have never left him in the first place. He hit me, raped me, and told me I was worthless...why couldn't I ever see through the haze?

I make no promises, other than to TRY. I won't say this will be easy; but I know that once it's over I will look back and think, how trivial. I know there are bigger, greater things in store for me, thanks to my one and only Savior, Jesus Christ. God has a plan for me, and I'm going to let Him see it through. And I know God gave me Nicholas, so that one day I would learn these lessons.

7 years. Time to move on...

P.S. - his name isn't Nicholas, it's Charlie.

Lost

Wow, I have been the worst blogger, EVER, lately! I apologize. I am STILL waiting for Trevor's birthday pictures. I guess I have to realize that people are busy, and just because it's the most important thing to ME, it's not to them. So I'm waiting; rather impatiently, might I add. I haven't been in the best place mentally, lately, and this post will probably be very incoherent and full of rambling, so bear with me.

I don't know when this will end! I CANNOT spend the rest of my life going through bouts of sadness, despair, and utter terror at everyday life. For a few months now I had been doing well; Trevor's party was AMAZING! I felt strong; like healing had finally begun and maybe this overwhelming, unbearable grief was finally withering away. HA! What was I thinking? And it has been over 5 years now...5 YEARS! What the hell is wrong with me? My best friend told me today that she thinks I am bi-polar, or have manic depression. Maybe she's right. I have had your basic normal-grade depression even since I was 15 or so, so maybe losing my son really sent me over the edge. I'll admit I haven't been taking my medication, Zoloft, but I have had mostly good weeks and months since I've stopped taking it. So I don't know what to think! I think maybe what I actually have is PTSD. A lot of women who have lost children, it is my understanding, suffer from PTSD. And if it's been 5 years, there has to be an underlying mental defect here, right? I mean, I'm MISERABLE. No one wants to be around me, even my own family. I feel like a burden to EVERYONE. My best friend keeps telling me, and I suppose she's right, that no one can ever love someone like this. And it's true, I guess.

On a similar note, I have given up, officially, on relying on ever getting married. And I still want babies. So to me, it seems logical, since I'm about to come into some money, to have a baby on my own. No, I don't mean go out, sleep with men until I get pregnant and ask for a child support check. I was thinking, about a year from now I will start looking into getting a sperm donation and trying artificial insemination. And every single person in my life who I've mentioned this to, basically told me I wouldn't be a good mother, and that having a baby like that is the dumbest idea they've ever heard. I suppose SOME of them used nicer words, but that's what they all ultimately meant by their answers. This is not something I have barely thought about or taken lightly. This is something I am dead serious about. Maybe I AM crazy, but why? I look at it this way: maybe no one WILL ever love me. Maybe I won't ever get married! And I am CERTAINLY NOT going to give up on ever having children, just because I am supposed to wait for a man to decide that I'm worthy of being a wife and mother. That's not fair; and technology allows me to have other options. So why can't I use those options? Please, correct me if I'm wrong. I just want to hear from someone who knows the pain of losing a child; who has these mothering instincts and no place to use them. Everyone's argument has been, "you're only 24, you have time." Maybe. But I was pregnant at 18, and delivered a child at 19, remember? So my brain has been in mothering mode SINCE then. So, I may be 24, but to me I've been ready for a child for 5 years. I have been yearning to hold a healthy baby in my arms for 5 YEARS. I have been ready to nurse, change diapers, instill values, and all the million other things a mother does...for 5 YEARS. So to me, waiting until I'm 25, trying for probably a year or so, and then waiting 9 months for the baby is NOT that crazy of an idea. And as far as me being mentally disturbed goes...well, I'd be far LESS mentally disturbed if I had a living, breathing child to take home, to nurture, to MOTHER. There will ALWAYS be a hole in my heart for Trevor; I know this. But why does that mean I can't have another child? I will be financially stable, and I've been ready, like I said, for 5 YEARS! Also, did I mention, the people who keep telling me it's a terrible idea are people who were married young, had children young or don't want kids, and know NOTHING about having to wait for a baby! And ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about losing your only child. It's just hard for me to trust the opinion of someone who was given everything in life, and still has the audacity to complain about it, or tell me I'M crazy, for wanting what they accidentally got and didn't want.

Regardless of all else in this post, I am making two appointments this week: one with a mental health professional, and another with an OB-GYN to discuss my childbearing options. I won't make any rash decisions; I suppose. But I am serious about this and I would like to know if anyone has a VALID reason why I should consider otherwise?

Update!

Hello, bloggers! It has been WAY TOO LONG, I know. I just wanted to let everyone know that Trevor's birthday party went great! It was very comforting, liberating, and sentimental. My friends and family were so supportive. We released balloons at the beach, came back to my place for some food and had a cake. We sang "Happy Birthday" and my niece helped me blow out his candles. I am so glad that I chose to celebrate my son's life! My camera is broken, but a friend took some AMAZING pictures that I'm still waiting for. I will post them AS SOON as I get them!

On another happy note, my family settled our lawsuit! Justice has finally been served for my father's death, and I'm extremely happy about it. Some of the money will go towards setting up an institute in his name which will aid in training and research to help the hospital/emergency room to use a more human approach; which, in my Dad's case, would have saved him.

I don't have much time lately, but I appreciate the continued support from all of my fellow bloggers! I promise to try and give you a better update and pictures soon! Hope all is well, and that everyone is enjoying the Holiday season!

Fight For Preemies!

Today is Bloggers Unite's event to FIGHT FOR PREEMIES! In honor of this, participating bloggers are asked to blog about a preemie in their lives. Whether past or present, here or with the Angels, your own child or a child you know; join me and many others and blog about a preemie that has touched your life!

"Every year, 20 million babies are born too soon, too small and very sick ― half a million of them in the United States. November 17 is when we fight.

Do you know a baby that was born too soon, too small, unable to suck, unable to breathe on his own? Premature birth is a health crisis that jeopardizes the lives and health of nearly half-million babies each year. It is the #1 killer of newborns and can lead to lifelong disabilities. Worse: the number has increased 31 percent since 1981. It can happen without warning and for no known reason. Until we have more answers, anyone’s baby, could be born too soon.

Medical advances give even the tiniest babies a chance of survival, yet for many babies premature birth is still a life or death condition. It’s the #1 cause of death during the first month of life. And babies who survive face serious health challenges and risk lifelong disabilities.

The rate of premature birth has never been higher. In half the cases, we simply don’t understand what went wrong. We need to fight for answers. And, ultimately, preventions.

November 17 is dedicated to raising awareness of the crisis of premature birth. The March of Dimes invites bloggers like you to get involved.

• Learn about premature birth at marchofdimes.com/fightforpreemies
• Put a badge on your blog during November, Prematurity Awareness Month®
• On November 17, blog for a baby you love and to help others

We need to fight ― because babies shouldn’t have to."

So...I bet you all can guess who I'm going to blog about, right? TREVOR, of course! This event could not have come at a more perfect time for my son and I. His birthday is this weekend, so I feel extra honored to blog about him! Let me give you a brief description of his short but precious life. On November 22, 2004, at 22 weeks gestation, my son decided he was ready to greet the world; but it was much, much too early. Despite efforts to stop my labor, Trevor was delivered to me at 11:22 PM, alive but struggling. He was just 1lb. 6oz. and just under 13 inches long. His lungs were not fully developed, even for his gestational age, and this caused him to be unable to breathe on his own. His lungs were also too small for the machine available to expand them. After 22 precious minutes, at 11:44 PM, Trevor Michael went to be with the Angels. If you would like to know the full story of my son's life, visit my post titled How My Angel Earned His Wings (photo included).

As of this coming Sunday, my son would be 5 years old. He would be running wild and getting ready for his Transformer's birthday party! He'd be breathing the same air as all of us. Most of all, he'd be here with his Mama, every day. Although medical advances have made great strides already for premature babies; there's still a lot to uncover. Had there been more advanced medical technology available, and his father and I had been more informed about the risks of prematurity, my son, as well as millions of other babies, could be here with us today.

Please donate to March of Dimes in honor of Trevor Michael, by visiting his Memory Band. The March of Dimes funds research and raises awareness for preemies and their families. Help babies like my son get the care they need to survive; and parents like me to be more educated on the risks and signs of premature birth.

Follower Of The Month

Hey there! I just wanted to write a quick update and let you all know that I was featured as With An Angel On My Shoulder's Follower Of The Month! You can check out the post HERE.

Be sure to leave Ter a comment and start following her blog, if you don't already!

Have a great weekend!

The Secret Garden Meeting - October

"Welcome to the garden. A place that is only open for bereaved parents. It is our garden, our secret place to come to. A place to remember our children with those who understand us. It is a place to just be, without worry or fear of not being accepted. May you feel safe to share your hearts here in the garden."

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief? Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

Where I am in my grief is a lot different than most. The length of time since my loss, and the stage of my grief are completely different from each other. Although my son was born and went to the Angels almost 5 years ago, I have only really begun opening up about him during this past year. So, even though I've had five years to grieve; I've only been active in this grief for less than 13 months. So where am I in my grief? Well, I'm certainly not out of the "it's not fair" stage. At least, not completely. I'm not all the way out of the being-jealous-of-mothers-with-young-boys phase, either. Although I will say this: where I am now, and where I was even six weeks ago are also quite different. I thought the fall weather, and Trevor's impending birthday was going to kill me; and it's done exactly the opposite. It's cheered me up! I've been happy for my son and his mansion in Heaven! I've been eager to celebrate him; instead of just being miserable without him. I will never, ever, "get over" my son's death. I will also never, ever, go a day without missing him; but I have realized that Trev wouldn't want Mama moping around all day feeling sorry for herself. So, I won't do it anymore (or at least, I'm going to TRY really hard). I guess I'm at the beginning of getting back to "normal". I will always, however have to put that word ("normal"), in quotations; because really, what IS normal, now, without our children?

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Sidenote:

That's it for my Secret Garden Meeting, but I thought I would bring something to the attention of my followers. I am currently one of the plaintiffs in a civil wrongful death suit (in regards to the death of my father). I will be in the courtroom pretty much all day (9-5) for the next 2-3 weeks; and at night, I'm going to crash. Needless to say, I won't be blogging or commenting much, but I promise, at the least, to update before Trevor's birthday party and give all the details! Thanks so much for everyone's support so far. Talk to you all very soon...promise!

Wednesdays for Wyatt!

I just came across Danielle's blog this morning, and I am proud to be one of Wyatt's supporters! Go to this post for more info.

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"For those of you who are not familiar with my family and what we are trying to achieve, here’s a brief run down...

Our son Wyatt was diagnosed with a fatal condition at our 18 week ultrasound, but chose to carry him to term. We waited to meet our son with love, all the time praying we would get to see him alive.

On June 1, 2009, Wyatt made his way into the world by c-section. To our amazement he had a faint heartbeat and was breathing! He died two minutes later, but I’ve clung to the two minutes my son and I breathed the same air since his passing.

Upon calling to get a copy of Wyatt’s birth certificate, I found out he was listed as a stillborn. You would assume it was a mistake (like I did), but there was no mistake. According to the definition of live birth in Tennessee my son was not “alive enough” to be deemed a live born baby. His two minutes of life has gone unrecognized by my state, and I intend to change this piece of legislation so I can solidify the validity of my son’s short life.

Wednesdays for Wyatt was created to help spread awareness for a law that needs to be changed, as well as to generate more traffic to my petition. So if you’re reading this, thanks for taking the time to help our family!

We are currently up to 1,253 signatures. Hurray! We’ve made it over my initial goal of 1,000 signatures, and now I’m dreaming big! You think you can help me get 5,000 signatures by Thanksgiving? I bet you could, and I hope this Wednesdays for Wyatt helps out tremendously. Post this to your blogs, facebook, myspace... wherever you can think of. I can’t wait to see how many more signatures we receive from this. I have a great feeling!

The contest will only be open today. You have until 11:59 pm to post this on your blog and come back here to link up with MckLinky in order to qualify for this Wednesdays for Wyatt giveaway. Good luck everybody and thanks for participating."

Surviving

First of all, thank you all SO MUCH for your comments, concerns and prayers. They have helped! I'm not going to say that everything is well; but I'm certainly better today than I was last night. My friend and I talked today, and though I don't think it will be quite the same for a while; I don't think we're too far gone to save our friendship. As for my son, I can only hope that he forgives me, and that will be enough. Jaclyn, you're right: my love should be enough!

Needless to say, I need to get going back to church and make God an even bigger part of my life. It's a struggle, I know, but like one of you said, it can only go up from the bottom...which is where I am now. I have to have faith, even when it's hard to, that He will lift me up and show me the way to His love.

Thank you so so so much again for all of your kind words, prayers and thoughts. God must not ever be far from me if I have all of you.

Please, God, I can't take any more!

I don't know what happened. I don't know who I am anymore. I forgot to light a candle for my son today, on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day!!!!! I forgot because I've ruined my own life and it's all crashing down on me. I have been shivering for hours. Not because of the cold, but because of the crying. I can't breathe. I forgot my son. I lost my best friend. All in one day. There has only ever been one person I knew I could go to for anything. And because I'm a crazy, worthless, self-defeating bitch...I've lost my best friend. She wants nothing to do with me. She's the one person I know was showing up to my son's birthday party. The one person I knew would catch me when I fall. My other best friend is her husband, too. Gone. Her kids mean the world to me, as if they were my own, and now I'll never see them grow up.

I don't know where it started, but I know it's got to end. I can't do this anymore. The people who take their own lives...I get it now. I would rather die now than be alone through the worst few months of my life. If someone who has meant so much to me will just abandon me in my darkest hour, I've done something wrong. Well, I've done plenty wrong...I just don't know why. I don't know why I say or do anything. I think it's because since I lost my son, and then my father and then the love of my life left me...I've never been the same. I suppose I've leaned too hard on my best friend after all of this happened, but what else could I do? And I thought I had at least tried to be a good friend back, but apparently I was never even that. I've only ever been a burden, to everyone I know. I've lost everyone that was ever important to me because of who I am.

This will be the hardest few months of my life coming up. It's the first year I've ever been able to acknowledge that my son was ever alive. And as thankful as I am for being able to celebrate him, sometimes I wish I was still numb. I wish sometimes I didn't care, or still tried not to remember. Because then I'd still have friends. Then I'd still be functioning in society. Then no one would have to know I was crazy. Then I'd still have my best friend.

Did I mention, I FORGOT MY SON!?!?!?? Mother of the year award goes to me.

Where will it end? If ending my life will end all of this; then catch you later, folks...

I ♥ Faces - Week 40 - "Excited!" Photo Challenge

For this week's I ♥ Faces Photo Challenge, the theme is "Excited!" For my entry, I chose this picture of my good friend and his daughter (my "niece") at her 3rd birthday party. I have always thought this photo was so precious and I'm glad I get to share it with all of you!

I Heart Faces: Fix-It Friday :-)

This is my first ever I Heart Faces Fix-It Friday entry! I used iPhoto (because it's all I have), which doesn't have a lot of options, but...I first enhanced the photo, then played around with the saturation, temperature, exposure, and all that good stuff. Then, I used the retouch feature to cover up imperfections and even out skin tone. Finally, I used the adjustments tab to boost the color and add a little edge blur. Simple, not much change, but thought I'd give it a whirl!

Here's the final result:

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

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First of all, I most certainly have never done anything worthy of lying about.

For instance, this past friday (9/25) was my 24th birthday. I had a party, at which I did not have a little too much Jagermeister and did not pass out at 10:30 PM...not bailing on my own birthday party! I also did not wake up around 5:30 AM the next morning still in all of my clothes...complete with jewelry, shoes and ankle brace! Not me!

You know what else? I most certainly have not neglected to clean my apartment lately. I definitely do not have so much laundry that I'm swimming in it; and I do not have a bunch of trash to take out. I do not occasionally Febreze my jeans and throw them in the dryer for ten minutes instead of washing them. I also have not, for weeks on end, forgotten to head down to my mailbox and grab my mail. I did not get a note in my door from the front office, because said mailbox was not overflowing! Nope...not me!

I have also not gained the title of worst church attendance ever! I have not missed church for almost two months now, and I did not, despite all efforts, miss it again last night. I would never do such a thing! Not me!

Branded

Got my first tattoo tonight! In memory of my little Angel!

The Secret Garden Meeting - September

What has helped you throughout this new life the most? Is it your family? Your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. Please feel free to share photos,videos, websites, support group information and so on.

There are two answers to this, for me. The first is music; only because it was in this order that my life after Trevor was saved. For the longest time, I was unable to speak of my son. I was unable to react in public when someone said the name "Trevor". I was unable to sit there and cry like a girl (and I was just a girl) who has lost her son (see the post, "How My Angel Earned His Wings" if you're confused). So I drowned myself in music. I have quite a few songs that remind me of Trevor. First and foremost has always been Hanson's "Broken Angel" (hence, the name of my blog). I will post the lyrics to this song at the end of this post. It can be sad and hard to hear/read at times, but it's perfect for me, and my son's story. There are a million other songs/artists that, before Trevor was born, never made me think twice that it could be about someone's child. Songs that I've always loved now take on new meaning in light of losing my baby boy. For example, "Wonderwall" by Oasis. Never, ever, ever did I think, "hey, maybe this song was written for a child," until I lost my son. Now it reminds me of him every time I hear it. Sometimes I cry or scream when I hear music that reminds me of my son. But sometimes, it makes me smile. Either way, music helped me to always feel for my son, one way or the other. Even when I wasn't "allowed" to.

Second, is definitely a network of people. Mostly fellow Baby Lost Mamas, but definitely not all. My best friend, Kaleigh and her husband, Jon are definitely top on my list. They have two beautiful children, and have never lost one. But they have been there for me through thick and thin. They were the first people I ever really told the truth to. The first to ever acknowledge that my son's life needed to be honored and remembered. They were the ones who encouraged me to tell my family and friends about Trevor. They're the ones who STILL seem to at least TRY to "get it" more than anyone else. I could never thank them enough for all that they've done for me. Jon even wrote a song, called "11:22" about Trevor, and is currently perfecting it for Trev's birthday celebration. They both say that they love Trevor like their own; and they mean it. I would have never gotten this far without them.

Also, though, there are the people who HAVE also lost a child. The people who DO "get it". First off, I must give my friend Jaclyn an honorable mention. I met her through the church I started going to recently; and she too lost her son, Zachary. She is really the one who's opinion I trusted most in telling my family about Trevor; remembering his life, etc. She's been through it; and I see her network of support first-hand, and trusted that I WOULD survive telling my friends and family. And I did. And I feel better. I now also think of Zachary often and that further proves that our little ones do live on through us, and other people. She's the one who gave me the idea to blog about Trev...which leads me to my final support system: all of you. This blog, and my fellow Baby Lost Mamas all around the world, have become a great support system for me. Your kind words, and the fact that every single one of you really DOES know exactly how I'm feeling. You don't have to TRY to understand, because you already do. And for that, I am so grateful. You have all given me strength, courage and pride when it comes to my son...and I could never thank you enough. I only hope I can return the favor.

"Broken Angel" - Hanson

So small, yet still so proud

At night before he dreams, he looks into the clouds

A high-flyer's what I want to be,

Seems they won't let me, says I'm too small

Don't feel small, at all

Break my dreams, that's what they'll do

Well I'm going to run away, and learn to fly like you

I'm going to go so high, and swoop so low

You can't bring me down, going to be so proud

Little Angel, you've got to learn to fly

Get up, and earn your wings tonight

Little Angel, just look in my eyes

Get up, and earn your wings tonight

Push and shove, then climb aboard

This is the shuttle train, to the top of the world

When you look around, what do you see?

These are all high-flyers,

But none of these high-flyers look like me

What is that supposed to mean?

What am I supposed to be?

I pull my way, up through this crowd

To find your body crushed on the ground

It's so obvious, why couldn't you see?

That you can't go high-flying,

Without a pair of high-flyer wings

Little one's broken, lying on the ground

Trying to get up, 'til his last breath out

Wings are strewn everywhere, there's blood all around

'Cause even Angels die, but that light just fades

It's so sad, but he'd be so proud

Broken Angel, you've got to learn to fly

Get up, and earn your wings tonight

Broken Angel, just look in my eyes

Get up, and earn your wings tonight

Get up, and earn your wings

Earn your wings, tonight

I Heart Faces: "Something Blue"

When I first saw this week's theme at I Heart Faces, this was the first photo I thought of entering. Miles here is my best friends' son (i.e., my "nephew"), and on this particular day he was running through the sprinkler in his little blue-and-white wet suit. Obviously, the color of his eyes goes along with this week's them as well. Yes, they're really that color (his sister's are, too!)...this photo hasn't even been so much as cropped! Straight from the camera, I swear! Photos like this really are worth a thousand words.

Happy Birthday to me!

So today (Sept. 25th) is my 24th birthday! I am actually, despite a few obvious setbacks/distractions (which we will get to), pretty excited for tonight. Later tonight, that is...since it's 2:41am and technically my birthday starts when I wake up later. A bunch of friends and family and myself are all going down to our family's lake house for a bonfire/birthday party on the water! I'm excited because for once I'm pretty sure the majority of the people I invited are coming. I have some new friends, some family and some old friends coming. A good mix. It should, for the most part, be a good time.

Speaking of old friends, however, I have gotten myself into quite an awkward situation. An ex-boyfriend of mine, Josh, is going to be at my birthday party. I haven't seen him at all, pretty much since we broke up a year and a half ago. So he texted me to wish me a happy birthday, and asked me if I had any good plans for my day. So I told him about my party; and I said he was more than welcome to come, because he never shows up anywhere I invite him anyway...and I had to be polite and ask. So guess who thinks that's a GREAT idea? Yup, the ex boyfriend. I guess our breakup wasn't as bitter as others of mine have been; but I generally don't invite my ex boyfriends to my birthday parties!!!! What was I thinking? So now I wonder, does he think this is some kind of booty call? Because HELL. NO. If I'm being blunt, it's my time of the month, I can barely walk AT ALL because I sprained my ankle tonight, and I'm not that interested in casual sex anymore. It has to mean something, or I'm not giving myself up or so I say. So Josh is not "getting any", if that's his goal.

And then I think, what if he really is still into me? We didn't break up because we had lost feelings for each other at all. We broke up because it was the wrong time in both of our lives HIS life for a relationship with each other. But I'm a lot different now, so maybe he is, too? Maybe he's never lost contact with me for more than a month since we broke up, because he really does still have feelings for me? Maybe he's the one! Maybe he's realized leaving was a mistake...

...and maybe, it's still just a booty call. I almost can't tell the difference, anymore. Only time will tell.

But like I said, outside of these things, for some reason...I am completely optimistic about my birthday! So I'm basking in the ambiance. Hope all is well out there in blog world!