Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Secret Garden Meeting - September

What has helped you throughout this new life the most? Is it your family? Your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. Please feel free to share photos,videos, websites, support group information and so on.

There are two answers to this, for me. The first is music; only because it was in this order that my life after Trevor was saved. For the longest time, I was unable to speak of my son. I was unable to react in public when someone said the name "Trevor". I was unable to sit there and cry like a girl (and I was just a girl) who has lost her son (see the post, "How My Angel Earned His Wings" if you're confused). So I drowned myself in music. I have quite a few songs that remind me of Trevor. First and foremost has always been Hanson's "Broken Angel" (hence, the name of my blog). I will post the lyrics to this song at the end of this post. It can be sad and hard to hear/read at times, but it's perfect for me, and my son's story. There are a million other songs/artists that, before Trevor was born, never made me think twice that it could be about someone's child. Songs that I've always loved now take on new meaning in light of losing my baby boy. For example, "Wonderwall" by Oasis. Never, ever, ever did I think, "hey, maybe this song was written for a child," until I lost my son. Now it reminds me of him every time I hear it. Sometimes I cry or scream when I hear music that reminds me of my son. But sometimes, it makes me smile. Either way, music helped me to always feel for my son, one way or the other. Even when I wasn't "allowed" to.

Second, is definitely a network of people. Mostly fellow Baby Lost Mamas, but definitely not all. My best friend, Kaleigh and her husband, Jon are definitely top on my list. They have two beautiful children, and have never lost one. But they have been there for me through thick and thin. They were the first people I ever really told the truth to. The first to ever acknowledge that my son's life needed to be honored and remembered. They were the ones who encouraged me to tell my family and friends about Trevor. They're the ones who STILL seem to at least TRY to "get it" more than anyone else. I could never thank them enough for all that they've done for me. Jon even wrote a song, called "11:22" about Trevor, and is currently perfecting it for Trev's birthday celebration. They both say that they love Trevor like their own; and they mean it. I would have never gotten this far without them.

Also, though, there are the people who HAVE also lost a child. The people who DO "get it". First off, I must give my friend Jaclyn an honorable mention. I met her through the church I started going to recently; and she too lost her son, Zachary. She is really the one who's opinion I trusted most in telling my family about Trevor; remembering his life, etc. She's been through it; and I see her network of support first-hand, and trusted that I WOULD survive telling my friends and family. And I did. And I feel better. I now also think of Zachary often and that further proves that our little ones do live on through us, and other people. She's the one who gave me the idea to blog about Trev...which leads me to my final support system: all of you. This blog, and my fellow Baby Lost Mamas all around the world, have become a great support system for me. Your kind words, and the fact that every single one of you really DOES know exactly how I'm feeling. You don't have to TRY to understand, because you already do. And for that, I am so grateful. You have all given me strength, courage and pride when it comes to my son...and I could never thank you enough. I only hope I can return the favor.

"Broken Angel" - Hanson

So small, yet still so proud
At night before he dreams, he looks into the clouds
A high-flyer's what I want to be,
Seems they won't let me, says I'm too small
Don't feel small, at all

Break my dreams, that's what they'll do
Well I'm going to run away, and learn to fly like you
I'm going to go so high, and swoop so low
You can't bring me down, going to be so proud

Little Angel, you've got to learn to fly
Get up, and earn your wings tonight
Little Angel, just look in my eyes
Get up, and earn your wings tonight

Push and shove, then climb aboard
This is the shuttle train, to the top of the world
When you look around, what do you see?
These are all high-flyers,
But none of these high-flyers look like me

What is that supposed to mean?
What am I supposed to be?

I pull my way, up through this crowd
To find your body crushed on the ground
It's so obvious, why couldn't you see?
That you can't go high-flying,
Without a pair of high-flyer wings

Little one's broken, lying on the ground
Trying to get up, 'til his last breath out
Wings are strewn everywhere, there's blood all around
'Cause even Angels die, but that light just fades
It's so sad, but he'd be so proud

Broken Angel, you've got to learn to fly
Get up, and earn your wings tonight
Broken Angel, just look in my eyes
Get up, and earn your wings tonight

Get up, and earn your wings
Earn your wings, tonight


  1. Those song lyrics are very beautiful.

    Remembering Trevor with you.

    Jess x

  2. Thank you for sharing the things and people that have gotten you through this tough time. I lost my firstborn a little over four months ago. It is so hard, but there are those people that are just a lifesaver. Thank God for them. This song is heartwrenching.

    I do Hope Collages for babylost parents grieving the loss of their babies. I would love to do one for your Trevor. You can see other angels' Hope Collages at:


    Love to the sky,


  3. I read your story and it is so heartbreaking (((hugs))) I am sorry

    I feel the same way about songs taking on a new meaning. They really do! And songs I never imagined would. Seems I can relate almost any song or some part of it to losing my baby.

  4. I see music has been just as helpful to you as it has to me. I hope in time it brings you more smiles than tears. It's funny when and where these songs will pop up when I am in public and I always view it as a message being sent that my little girl is there, somewhere, watching over us. I like being able to tap into the tears too, when I need to.


  5. I just read your story, I'm so sorry.x

  6. Thanks so much for all the comments :-)

  7. I am so sorry that you had to endure this loss alone and in silence and am so happy that you have been able to finally have the support system necessary to get through this.