Thursday, November 5, 2009

The Secret Garden Meeting - October

"Welcome to the garden. A place that is only open for bereaved parents. It is our garden, our secret place to come to. A place to remember our children with those who understand us. It is a place to just be, without worry or fear of not being accepted. May you feel safe to share your hearts here in the garden."

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief? Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

Where I am in my grief is a lot different than most. The length of time since my loss, and the stage of my grief are completely different from each other. Although my son was born and went to the Angels almost 5 years ago, I have only really begun opening up about him during this past year. So, even though I've had five years to grieve; I've only been active in this grief for less than 13 months. So where am I in my grief? Well, I'm certainly not out of the "it's not fair" stage. At least, not completely. I'm not all the way out of the being-jealous-of-mothers-with-young-boys phase, either. Although I will say this: where I am now, and where I was even six weeks ago are also quite different. I thought the fall weather, and Trevor's impending birthday was going to kill me; and it's done exactly the opposite. It's cheered me up! I've been happy for my son and his mansion in Heaven! I've been eager to celebrate him; instead of just being miserable without him. I will never, ever, "get over" my son's death. I will also never, ever, go a day without missing him; but I have realized that Trev wouldn't want Mama moping around all day feeling sorry for herself. So, I won't do it anymore (or at least, I'm going to TRY really hard). I guess I'm at the beginning of getting back to "normal". I will always, however have to put that word ("normal"), in quotations; because really, what IS normal, now, without our children?



That's it for my Secret Garden Meeting, but I thought I would bring something to the attention of my followers. I am currently one of the plaintiffs in a civil wrongful death suit (in regards to the death of my father). I will be in the courtroom pretty much all day (9-5) for the next 2-3 weeks; and at night, I'm going to crash. Needless to say, I won't be blogging or commenting much, but I promise, at the least, to update before Trevor's birthday party and give all the details! Thanks so much for everyone's support so far. Talk to you all very soon...promise!


  1. That is beautiful that you want to celebrate Trevor's birthday! I am so glad your heart has found some level of healing. It is so encouraging.


  2. I'm happy for you that you can celebrate Trevor's birthday.You sound like you've come a long way towards your new normal.

  3. How wonderful that you have found yourself happy and celebrating your son on his birthday, rather than getting lost in the sadness.

  4. I think they would want us to be happy too. :)

    Those are long days and you'll def be tired so please stay rested!