Friday, October 16, 2009

Please, God, I can't take any more!

I don't know what happened. I don't know who I am anymore. I forgot to light a candle for my son today, on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day!!!!! I forgot because I've ruined my own life and it's all crashing down on me. I have been shivering for hours. Not because of the cold, but because of the crying. I can't breathe. I forgot my son. I lost my best friend. All in one day. There has only ever been one person I knew I could go to for anything. And because I'm a crazy, worthless, self-defeating bitch...I've lost my best friend. She wants nothing to do with me. She's the one person I know was showing up to my son's birthday party. The one person I knew would catch me when I fall. My other best friend is her husband, too. Gone. Her kids mean the world to me, as if they were my own, and now I'll never see them grow up.

I don't know where it started, but I know it's got to end. I can't do this anymore. The people who take their own lives...I get it now. I would rather die now than be alone through the worst few months of my life. If someone who has meant so much to me will just abandon me in my darkest hour, I've done something wrong. Well, I've done plenty wrong...I just don't know why. I don't know why I say or do anything. I think it's because since I lost my son, and then my father and then the love of my life left me...I've never been the same. I suppose I've leaned too hard on my best friend after all of this happened, but what else could I do? And I thought I had at least tried to be a good friend back, but apparently I was never even that. I've only ever been a burden, to everyone I know. I've lost everyone that was ever important to me because of who I am.

This will be the hardest few months of my life coming up. It's the first year I've ever been able to acknowledge that my son was ever alive. And as thankful as I am for being able to celebrate him, sometimes I wish I was still numb. I wish sometimes I didn't care, or still tried not to remember. Because then I'd still have friends. Then I'd still be functioning in society. Then no one would have to know I was crazy. Then I'd still have my best friend.

Did I mention, I FORGOT MY SON!?!?!?? Mother of the year award goes to me.

Where will it end? If ending my life will end all of this; then catch you later, folks...

7 comments:

  1. Jacquelyn - You did not forget your son. You can never forget someone who was apart of you. There may be days like yesterday, when you forget to do something to honour him - but it is not forgetting him. I lit two candles for my girls and all the other babies, so Trevor shared the warmth from my candles. Trevor Michael will never be forgotten ^i^

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  2. It's ok. It's just a day. Trevor is always in your heart. You will never forget him. I'm so sorry things are so rough right now. I'm so sorry you lost your best friend. I pray that in some way the relationship can be mended. I am sending up prayers for you right now. There is a bottom and we all hit it. There is nowhere to go but up. Don't give up hope.

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  3. Jaquelyn - Trevor is with you always. He knows how much you love him, how much you miss him. You remember him every second of every day and not lighting a candle at a certain time will not take that away. Please, please don't beat yourself up.

    Relationships fall apart after going through such a horrendous tragedy. It's part of the journey. I too, lost many people who I thought would be the strongest for me. I am thinking of you.... You will make it.

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  4. hello, my friend! if it makes you feel any better (which i doubt)...i didn't light a candle for zachary either...i don't feel bad about it though. does that make me horrible? i don't think so...i know deep within my heart and soul that i could never ever forget zachary...even if i was intentionally trying to suppress those memories...it's not possible...and i know it's the same for you as well. you love trevor...let your love be enough.

    as far as friendships and relationships, i know that whatever happened can be forgiven. all things are forgiveable...even the things that seem the most unforgiveable! i believe your friendships will be mended.

    Zephaniah 3:17, "The Lord your God is in your midst (He's with you!), a mighty one who will save (He's capable of fixing whatever you throw at Him); He will rejoice over you with gladness (His joy is contagious!); He will quiet you with His love (What love it is!), He will exult over you with loud singing (just like a parent, He sings to His children)

    i pray His love song is enough for you today

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  5. jackie, as you know i haven't lost a child but i love a number of people who have, you among them, and i didn't light any candles in memory of those babies. i know that my prayers and love for you, jaclyn, and others is enough of a remembrance. your love for your son is enough; you don't need a flickering flame to remind you that he existed and greatly impacted your life.

    as for friendships, God is the ultimate healer and can mend the hurt that is between you and those whom you love, regardless of what you have or haven't done, what you can or can't do, will or won't do. God is bigger than all our problems and longs to see relationships restored.

    i'll be praying for you and hope to see you soon

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  6. You didn't forget him. This day is a day of awareness for our lost babies, it isn't a gage to measure our love for them. They are always in our hearts. *Praying for you*

    xo

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  7. You forgot to light a candle.
    You did NOT forget your son.
    If you forgot your son, you wouldn't be writing here about him.
    You would be just living your life like normal.
    Like nothing ever happened.
    You did not forget your son.

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