LOVE

Over the past few days, I learned a whole hell of a lot about love. Not that I didn't know anything about the subject; I have just recently been failing to see love for what it is. I have learned that love, as a concept doesn't have anything at all to do with romance. Sure, it's there in romantic relationships...but let's think about all the non-romance types of love. For one, the love that a parent has for their child, and vice versa. Though I spent only minutes with Trevor, I have never in my life before him, or after his birth felt love in the same way that I feel about my son. From the second I even knew he was in my womb, this little boy (though he wasn't even for sure a boy yet) was my world. "It's just me and you against the world, baby," I would tell him. It was, just me and him, against the world...it still is. Because of the few moments I spent with my son, the 24 years I've spent with my mother, and the 20 years I spent with my father, I can imagine exactly how Trevor feels about me. I imagine my Angel loves me a whole lot from Heaven. Even more than I could ever love him from little old Earth. And that's more than I would have ever imagined, before him. I wouldn't trade the love I feel for my son for anything in the entire world, and it is that love that keeps me alive every day.

Amongst this post about love, I absolutely must ask you all to pray for Eva. This young woman is less than a year younger than me, which blows my mind. She is far more mature than I'll be even 5 years from now. Please take the time to visit her blog and watch her farewell video. I will warn you, it will break your heart. On the other hand, Eva taught me a lot of very important lessons, in less than 7 minutes. She is beautiful, smart, and one of the bravest women I have ever heard of. I learned a lot of things from Eva's story, but the thing that strikes me the most is something that should be so obvious. That is, love is simple. Really, it is! It takes next to nothing to love another; or at least, it should take next to nothing. I have found that in my life, love has become something I resent, or am jealous of. Eva made me realize how selfish I've been. I've got plenty of love from plenty of people, and that really is all that matters.

Another kind of love, the greatest of all, I have to mention. That is the Love of God for his children. I thank God every single day for the love that He gives me. Though this is a love we can never understand, we can understand at least that it is greater than any love we will ever experience here on Earth. No matter what anyone else has to say, God will always love me. No matter what. So thank you, Lord, for loving me.

I'm going to try to love more; and more often. I'm going to post a Bible verse that I'm sure you've all read before. My best friend and I had a pretty bad falling out last weekend, and after all was said and done, she posted this as her status. I have always loved this verse, but over the past few years I have grown into jealous and bitter and hateful person; someone I've never wanted to be. It took only God's Word to touch my heart and make me look at life from a different angle. This time, when you read these words, take the time to think about what they really say...

If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes the imperfect disappears.

1 Corinthians 13:3-10 (NIV)

7 Years

Seven years.

That's how long it's been since Trevor's father, "Nicholas", and I started "officially" dating. Today would be our 7 YEAR anniversary. I was 17 years old, now I'm 24. Obviously, a lot has changed. Except the things that should have changed. Like me, thinking about Nicholas every day; comparing stories with people, saying "Nicholas and I used to..." or "That's like one time, when Nicholas..." It hit me the other day. WOW, it's going to have been SEVEN YEARS since we started dating. Three since we broke up. Even then, I was 21.

It HAS to be high time to move on. I've got to get over him. Now, this won't be easy; he is Trevor's father. So I can't never, ever talk about him again. There is no question. But I can take myself mentally out of his life. I suppose I've been "out of his life" for three years now. But I have still, daily, wondered what he was doing. I have still been worrying about the times I've run into him. I've still been thinking (and talking) about how we would be married by now, with or without Trevor. I keep trying to find out through the grapevine what he's up to. I need to stop!

So today, marks the day I started trying. Trying to get over him; trying to move on. Trying to live my life for the future and not for the past. That's a big one. I am one of those people who lives in the past. I dwell on it; drown in it. I need to look towards my future as a strong, Christian woman who can take care of herself. I want to need no man in my life; though I need to have faith that one will come. My knight in shining armor is out there somewhere. I may have already found him; but I've been running from him because of my past experience. The abused little girl in my past whose son was stolen from her needs to let go, and become the strong woman; the wife, the mother that I know I will be.

I'll never "get over" my son. I don't want to. But that doesn't mean that I can't get over his father. Our relationship is over. OVER. He's not coming back. And in reality, I never wanted him to; or I would have never left him in the first place. He hit me, raped me, and told me I was worthless...why couldn't I ever see through the haze?

I make no promises, other than to TRY. I won't say this will be easy; but I know that once it's over I will look back and think, how trivial. I know there are bigger, greater things in store for me, thanks to my one and only Savior, Jesus Christ. God has a plan for me, and I'm going to let Him see it through. And I know God gave me Nicholas, so that one day I would learn these lessons.

7 years. Time to move on...

P.S. - his name isn't Nicholas, it's Charlie.

Lost

Wow, I have been the worst blogger, EVER, lately! I apologize. I am STILL waiting for Trevor's birthday pictures. I guess I have to realize that people are busy, and just because it's the most important thing to ME, it's not to them. So I'm waiting; rather impatiently, might I add. I haven't been in the best place mentally, lately, and this post will probably be very incoherent and full of rambling, so bear with me.

I don't know when this will end! I CANNOT spend the rest of my life going through bouts of sadness, despair, and utter terror at everyday life. For a few months now I had been doing well; Trevor's party was AMAZING! I felt strong; like healing had finally begun and maybe this overwhelming, unbearable grief was finally withering away. HA! What was I thinking? And it has been over 5 years now...5 YEARS! What the hell is wrong with me? My best friend told me today that she thinks I am bi-polar, or have manic depression. Maybe she's right. I have had your basic normal-grade depression even since I was 15 or so, so maybe losing my son really sent me over the edge. I'll admit I haven't been taking my medication, Zoloft, but I have had mostly good weeks and months since I've stopped taking it. So I don't know what to think! I think maybe what I actually have is PTSD. A lot of women who have lost children, it is my understanding, suffer from PTSD. And if it's been 5 years, there has to be an underlying mental defect here, right? I mean, I'm MISERABLE. No one wants to be around me, even my own family. I feel like a burden to EVERYONE. My best friend keeps telling me, and I suppose she's right, that no one can ever love someone like this. And it's true, I guess.

On a similar note, I have given up, officially, on relying on ever getting married. And I still want babies. So to me, it seems logical, since I'm about to come into some money, to have a baby on my own. No, I don't mean go out, sleep with men until I get pregnant and ask for a child support check. I was thinking, about a year from now I will start looking into getting a sperm donation and trying artificial insemination. And every single person in my life who I've mentioned this to, basically told me I wouldn't be a good mother, and that having a baby like that is the dumbest idea they've ever heard. I suppose SOME of them used nicer words, but that's what they all ultimately meant by their answers. This is not something I have barely thought about or taken lightly. This is something I am dead serious about. Maybe I AM crazy, but why? I look at it this way: maybe no one WILL ever love me. Maybe I won't ever get married! And I am CERTAINLY NOT going to give up on ever having children, just because I am supposed to wait for a man to decide that I'm worthy of being a wife and mother. That's not fair; and technology allows me to have other options. So why can't I use those options? Please, correct me if I'm wrong. I just want to hear from someone who knows the pain of losing a child; who has these mothering instincts and no place to use them. Everyone's argument has been, "you're only 24, you have time." Maybe. But I was pregnant at 18, and delivered a child at 19, remember? So my brain has been in mothering mode SINCE then. So, I may be 24, but to me I've been ready for a child for 5 years. I have been yearning to hold a healthy baby in my arms for 5 YEARS. I have been ready to nurse, change diapers, instill values, and all the million other things a mother does...for 5 YEARS. So to me, waiting until I'm 25, trying for probably a year or so, and then waiting 9 months for the baby is NOT that crazy of an idea. And as far as me being mentally disturbed goes...well, I'd be far LESS mentally disturbed if I had a living, breathing child to take home, to nurture, to MOTHER. There will ALWAYS be a hole in my heart for Trevor; I know this. But why does that mean I can't have another child? I will be financially stable, and I've been ready, like I said, for 5 YEARS! Also, did I mention, the people who keep telling me it's a terrible idea are people who were married young, had children young or don't want kids, and know NOTHING about having to wait for a baby! And ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about losing your only child. It's just hard for me to trust the opinion of someone who was given everything in life, and still has the audacity to complain about it, or tell me I'M crazy, for wanting what they accidentally got and didn't want.

Regardless of all else in this post, I am making two appointments this week: one with a mental health professional, and another with an OB-GYN to discuss my childbearing options. I won't make any rash decisions; I suppose. But I am serious about this and I would like to know if anyone has a VALID reason why I should consider otherwise?

Update!

Hello, bloggers! It has been WAY TOO LONG, I know. I just wanted to let everyone know that Trevor's birthday party went great! It was very comforting, liberating, and sentimental. My friends and family were so supportive. We released balloons at the beach, came back to my place for some food and had a cake. We sang "Happy Birthday" and my niece helped me blow out his candles. I am so glad that I chose to celebrate my son's life! My camera is broken, but a friend took some AMAZING pictures that I'm still waiting for. I will post them AS SOON as I get them!

On another happy note, my family settled our lawsuit! Justice has finally been served for my father's death, and I'm extremely happy about it. Some of the money will go towards setting up an institute in his name which will aid in training and research to help the hospital/emergency room to use a more human approach; which, in my Dad's case, would have saved him.

I don't have much time lately, but I appreciate the continued support from all of my fellow bloggers! I promise to try and give you a better update and pictures soon! Hope all is well, and that everyone is enjoying the Holiday season!

Surviving

First of all, thank you all SO MUCH for your comments, concerns and prayers. They have helped! I'm not going to say that everything is well; but I'm certainly better today than I was last night. My friend and I talked today, and though I don't think it will be quite the same for a while; I don't think we're too far gone to save our friendship. As for my son, I can only hope that he forgives me, and that will be enough. Jaclyn, you're right: my love should be enough!

Needless to say, I need to get going back to church and make God an even bigger part of my life. It's a struggle, I know, but like one of you said, it can only go up from the bottom...which is where I am now. I have to have faith, even when it's hard to, that He will lift me up and show me the way to His love.

Thank you so so so much again for all of your kind words, prayers and thoughts. God must not ever be far from me if I have all of you.

Getting old...

To start with, I've had a Mountain Dew and a Dr. Pepper after months of no caffeine and it's 1:00 in the morning...just a warning. In other words, I have a lot on my mind and I don't know quite yet where this post is going, so bear with me.

One thing I've noticed lately is that apparently, my son's story is getting old. He may be turning five in just a few short months, so I suppose I should be "over it" by now, according to those who by the way, could never even IMAGINE losing their children, once, at least pretended to care. Almost no one at all even knew my son existed until less than a year ago, and even those who have known for less than six months are literally already MAKING FUN OF ME for it. Literally. Busting my chops about my dead son, like it's some kind of quirk I have that they can poke fun at. My favorite was my sister's boyfriend telling me, "babies die; get over it." REALLY? Because last time I checked, old people are supposed to die and babies are supposed to live...correct? Sometimes I want to say, "Yeah, well then I hope it's YOUR kid some day." But I would never, because one: I would never wish this life upon anyone else, no matter what they did to me; and two: it's not going to get me anywhere. So I have bitten my tongue. Another excellent one was "Not today. I don't have the time or patience for your problems right now." Thanks a lot, best friend of mine...(with beautiful, breathing, healthy children, mind you.) About a month ago, I was with my brother, my sister and her boyfriend, and an episode of House, M.D. came on in which a premature baby boy is on a table being shocked back to life, and eventually, dies right there on screen. I asked nicely a few times, and then eventually not so nicely if they could PLEASE turn it off. They literally LAUGHED, turned it up, and then told me a I was a crazy b****. Yes, you read that correctly. Oh, and my sister's boyfriend, being the biggest **** of them all, said another cute thing to me on our recent cruise (in front of 20 people, by the way: "your son's lucky he's dead, because his mother's such crazy b*tch he would have killed himself by now anyway." I couldn't speak, and ran off crying through a crowd of witnesses. On my top ten of life's worst moments, let me tell you.

So...needless to say, having a birthday party for Trevor is now something that unfortunately is not comfortable for me to do, because my story is getting old, and annoying. I was so excited, too! But celebrating my son's life, is now something I feel ashamed about...AGAIN. I thought I had gotten past this? I thought my ex was the only a**hole person who could have no feeling for something so precious. Apparently, I'm the only one who does. Regardless, I will lose all of my friends and family before I let my son's memory fade AGAIN. I betrayed my little man for far too long, and I will forever make it up to him.

On that note, my story is not the only thing getting old around here. I'm turning twenty-four a week from today (Sept. 25th), but I feel one-hundred and twenty-four. I'm exhausted, worn out, overwhelmed and weakened, trying to keep my son's memory alive. I'm tired from the guilt and embarrassment I feel even speaking his name. THIS IS NOT RIGHT. It can't be. What is wrong with these people? Am I the crazy one? Is it me, or is everyone I know cold-hearted and cruel? I'm also tired from consciously holding back when I feel like mentioning him; or interjecting about the ups and not-so-obvious downs of my pregnancy along with the other mothers. They look at me like I don't belong in their conversation, because I have to step out as soon as it gets to the living baby in your arms part...that part didn't last so long for me. I'm not able to chime in with the cute little things Trev did as a baby. Or give advice on parenting to someone who's technically been a mother for less time that I have.

What I've figured out is that no one really cares about anyone else for an extended period of time. And that 24 sucks. Because everyone I know is either on the end of the scale where they're married with living children and a life, or on the other end, where stuff like that is unfathomable because after all, we're only 24, right? Either way, I've learned that the one thing that makes it impossible to fit in with anyone at all, is having a dead baby...and unfortunately, my son is not here with me; so I guess I'm one of those people who will never fit in.

...I guess I'm getting old.

"Tied together with a smile, but (I'm) coming undone"

It's been cold for the past few days = fall is coming; and I can't wait to jump off a bridge see the leaves turn red. I'm so distraught happy that Trevor's birthday is coming up! My birthday of course comes first (Sept. 25th), but there's no even thinking of that once it starts to feel like fall again. In 2004, I was only consciously pregnant from late August (like, this week) until November 22, when my Angel was born and went to be with God. Autumn weather has always been my favorite time of year, and it's bittersweet totally awesome. And it does NOT feel like it's been 5 years already! My baby boy should be heading to pre-school, if not kindergarten next week, and it's killing me very nostalgic!

Okay, time for brutal honesty: I wish I could just f****ng enjoy the fall like every other normal person!!!!!! Autumn used to be the happiest time of the year; my birthday, my best friend's birthday, apple picking, pumpkin patches, hayrides, haunted houses, costumes, cool, crisp air, fallen leaves, boots, sweaters, good food, honoring our Veterans, my son's birthday...oh wait, not planning my son's birthday party; planning his memorial ceremony. Not dressing him up like Spiderman or Batman or whoever the heck he wants to be. He's not turning 5, he's not unpredictable, and definitely not melting me more every day with his words. Oh, and he's not sooooo smart and he's not getting soooo big! I can't wait to not drop him off at pre-school; you know the day where mothers everywhere say they're "letting go" of their babies? You don't know the meaning!!!!!!

Don't worry though, I'm doing worse than I've ever been because it's the first year that everyone will know about Trevor's birthday and I have a memorial to plan just fine.

"Nicholas" and I on Trevor's 1st birthday, 11/22/05

Inspired

So it just hit me, for the nine-thousandth time, again...how amazing the unspoken bond between those who have lost a child, is. First of all, I have never felt my son's life so honored as it has been through my fellow Baby Lost blog Moms and Dads! I mean, some of you have done the simplest things that have touched my heart forever. You've written Trevor's name in the sand, you've made him Angel wings, you've shared his story all around the world! Then there are those of you I've met in person. You have taught me so much about my grief; how it is unpredictable and sometimes unbearable...but I know I'll always pull through, because you have.

On this note, I feel compelled to share this story: Last sunday was the third anniversary of when my Daddy passed away (July 26th). We all met as a family at the cemetery, and as I was walking towards my father's headstone, I saw a couple kneeling on the ground in front of a beautiful black and gold stone. I noticed there were quite a lot of little toys and fire truck trinkets and child-themed balloons. I realized then, that this was a couple mourning the loss of their precious son. I was afraid of being rude, but I had to say something. I walked over and apologized for interrupting, but I told them that I also had a precious baby boy who passed away, and that I was sorry for their loss. Their son lived only three weeks and went to be with the Angels just months before my Trevor was born. By the end of the conversation, his mother and I were hugging and crying. But it felt good, in a way. They agreed that they felt better, in a bittersweet way, having run into me. This encounter was a wonderful work of God, was the general outlook on the situation. And it was.

Samuel Shaun Beausoleil was born on July 20, 2004 and went to the Angels on August 18th of that same year. Please keep him and his wonderful, loving parents in your thoughts and prayers as they go through that "dreaded month" with birthdays/anniversaries that we all have to face every year.

Thank you to all who have honored my son's life and legacy. God bless you all and I pray every day for you and your precious Angels. It's the least I can do. Don't forget to pray for Samuel and the Beausoleils!

Quick Update & Random New Pic :-)

Me at the 311 concert

(the first one, LOL)

I don't have much time today, but I felt like I needed to blog a bit.    Subconsciously, I haven't been blogging on purpose, because my last post was the 22nd post I've written.  Every time I logged in, it would tell me, 22 posts.  I figured it was Trevor telling Mama he likes the new blog layout! ;-)

I guess you could say things are going a little better than my past few blogs.  Not that the pain or hurt or concern is gone; but maybe...just maybe...I'm learning to cope?  Maybe this is the point at which it gets easier?  (If, that is, that point exists at all.)  Then I feel guilty, though, for not being depressed all the time.  I feel guilty for going an hour without missing my son so much it hurts.  I feel guilty for not crying when I think that he's not here; for smiling when I realize he's in his own little mansion in Heaven.  I know that's what Trev would want me to do; smile.  But somehow I feel like I'm losing the bond I've had with him for so long now.  I feel like he's no longer the first thing I think about when I wake up; or the last thing before I fall asleep.  He should be!  Right?  I also haven't even thought about my recent miscarriage.  I did write to Austin, letting him know what happened because it's his right to know.  But I feel guilty for almost being "over it".  I mean, I'm certainly not okay with it, and there are days where I go "Okay, so today I should be 9 weeks pregnant, and instead I'm drinking margaritas," but it's not eating me alive like I think it should be.

Overall, I think it's just been so long since I was happy, or at least okay, that it doesn't feel right.  Maybe I'm just having a good week...and I'm sure there will be bad weeks to come.  But maybe my life really will turn around this time.  Maybe I will learn to remember my son and not cry all the time.  Maybe I will, in a way, "move on" (to the best of a Baby Lost Mama's ability, anyway).  I'm just not sure I want to, or that I'm ready to, yet.

With You In Your Dreams

First of all, I can't believe that Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcet and Michael Jackson have all passed away!  Within two days!  I know many of you don't believe in "signs" or anything like that; but this is, to me, an omen of sorts.  For one thing, I now can't stop thinking of "Nicholas" (Trevor's father)!  He is hands-down the biggest Michael Jackson fan I have ever known!  He must be devastated.  For those of you who may know him; or had known us together, you realize what a big deal this would have been right now.  Granted, my 4-and-a-half-year-old son should also have been here, and old enough to know that Daddy's idol is now in Heaven.  But I suppose Trevor is aware, now isn't he?  He gets to meet MJ before Daddy does! 

Speaking of Daddy (and I haven't told anyone this), I had a dream about Nicholas the other night:  He shows up at my apartment with a dozen of yellow (a.k.a. "I'm sorry") roses.  He is crying his eyes out, and says, "Can I talk to you?".  I am smitten enough, in this dream, to let him in and offer him a soda.  He says, "I want to visit our son's grave; and I can't...won't, do it without you."  (For those of you who don't know, I am still looking for the location, as I was on pain meds and completely paid no attention (on purpose) to where my son was buried, out of state)  Of course, I am thrilled, because I've been waiting so long for this!  He also says, "...and, I want to maybe work things out between us?"  Now, in real life, I'm thinking, are you crazy? after everything you've said and done, you *******!  you want me to be with you again?  But in my dream, I say, "'Nicholas', I've waited two years for you to ask me that."  Long story short, we go to visit Trevor; once a week, from there on in.  We stay together, get engaged and move into a home together.  We live the life I thought we'd have had; minus my precious Angel, of course.  But I feel sometimes like even with losing Trevor, we still could have had a good life together.  Those are the moments I question my decision to not have him in my life anymore.  But then I think, God didn't want Nicholas in my life; so I will trust that He has given me the strength to stay away.

On that note, I miss church!  (Five months ago, by the way, I never thought I'd be saying that.)  But one thing or another has prevented me from making it to church lately.  I've only been there once every other week or so for the past few weeks, and I don't like it!  As you can see from my last post, I have a lot of people to pray for!  Including, now...a very dear friend of mine.  I found out this week that one of my good friends is also a Baby Lost Mama!  I never knew.  She and her then-husband, J, had a little girl Born With Wings at 17 weeks.  Her name was Maribella Antonelli (beautiful, right?), and I'm sure she is wonderful and thriving in Heaven.  But her Mama isn't doing so well.  This is a person who has been there for me through thick and thin.  Someone who I should have known this about a long time ago!  Someone who is now married to someone else, now with living children; who has suffered in silence all these years.  For the first time, I'm on the other side.  There are quite similar situations between Trevor's and Bella's stories.  I'm hearing my dear friend pour her heart out; and I'm sad.  Because for once, I'm not the Mama who's grieving her baby.  I'm the shoulder to lean on.  I'm glad to be this.  I just wish I knew how to help my friend like so many others have helped me.  At the same time, it's so weird.  I feel like I'm listening to myself tell the story of my son.  But it's not Trevor, it's another precious little life lost.  I'm not the only one!  I've know I'm not alone, because of you other blog Moms, and friends I've met because of Trevor.  But now this is someone I've known all along; someone I didn't meet just because we had child loss in common.  This is someone who's already a friend, and is now joining me in grief; over the loss of her daughter.  So please, in case I don't find enough time to properly do so, pray for Maribella's Mama.

I guess that's all for tonight.  I hope everyone has a great weekend!  Hopefully the sun will shine around here some day.  :-)  God Bless!

Another Loss

So...in order to tell you what happened yesterday, first I'll have to tell you all what I've failed to tell you for the past few weeks.  I did the stupid, sinful, embarrasing thing in Tulsa and had unprotected sex with Austin (see my last post, "I HEART TULSA").  Five days later, I missed my period.  A week after that, I was nauseous and vomited for 5 days straight.  I felt the implantation pulling, "bungee cord" feeling.   Most of all my period NEVER came.  A few days ago, I started seeing brownish-pink spotting.  This is usually what is called "implantation bleeding".  It's also an early sign of miscarriage.  Yesterday would have been 4 weeks 4 days pregnant.

To be honest, I am so swallowed with the loss of my son that I was EXCITED to be pregnant!  I WANTED this baby.  Even if Austin wanted nothing to do with me, in my mind this was the best mistake I'd ever made.  Needless to say, yesterday morning I was certainly not pregnant anymore.  This may be graphic, but I've been getting blood clots the size of quarters, and I feel as if someone is trying to rip my insides out of me.  I was DEVASTATED.  I spent the day with my best friend, Kaleigh, balling my eyes out and screaming at the sky.  I was so lost.  Did I really just lose ANOTHER child?  Now, clearly a 4 week 4 day embryo the size of a pin head is nothing in comparison to losing my 1lb 6oz, living son.  But I was pregnant two days ago, nonetheless, and I'm not pregnant anymore.  And there isn't a baby, either.  So twice, I was pregnant, and now, TWICE I've lost a baby.

In spite of this, I am trying to remain strong.  If ever I've realized that God is in control, it's now.  I know that He will not harm me; only teach me lessons.  I have faith that one day I will have beautiful, healthy babies and a husband who loves me with all of his heart.  I've learned that I need to at least TRY to be patient with His plan; and until I see it, do my best to serve our Lord in my every day life.  If never before, I am praying every chance that I get.  I know that God will not give me a child until I love myself enough to be a good mother.  I know that all the things that have happened to me in my life, have all been part of His plan, in one way or another.  I know that I have learned something from my losses; and from the losses of others, too.  I know that now Trevor has a sibling to play with in his mansion in Heaven!  I don't know how something like a miscarriage has brought me CLOSER to God...but it has.  Maybe He's trying to show me that even though this has happened, He is never far from me.  If I can have faith now, I will never lose my faith again.

Might I add, I have never in my life been more grateful for my best friend.  I've been a terrible friend to her lately.  A jealous, spiteful BITCH, in plain English.  Yet, she hasn't left me for a moment.  She has been there through EVERYTHING I've been going through.  I only hope that someday I can be for her what she has been for me.  Kay, if you read this I love you, I'm sorry, and thank you.

Mothers Day

I don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow.  I have never been able to even be considered on Mothers Day, and now that my story is out in the open, I've had mixed feelings.  My friends and family have all made it very clear to me that I AM a mother; and I truly appreciate their kind words and encouragement.  But somehow, it's still bittersweet.  I guess that's just the way it is.

On the other hand, I had the sweetest conversation with my little (well, 18-year-old, 6-foot, "little") brother last night about Trevor.  First of all, every time he speaks of him, he calls him "Trevor Michael" instead of just Trevor or Trev, like I do.  Michael was our Dad's name; he passed away in 2006, so maybe that's why Peyton (my brother) does that.  Either way, I LOVE it...it sounds so adorable coming from little bro's mouth.  He said to me "I can't imagine what you must have gone through.  To know your little baby and then have to let him go."  He also said he'd love to be an uncle; that it would have been "so cool," and he would have "taken him everywhere with me".  My family's never been big on talking about things like this (almost every other woman on my mom's side has had a miscarriage or stillbirth, and no one ever talks about it); so it's really great that my brother, the one who could never understand, wants to talk about Trevor.

Lastly, I found this video on a fellow Baby Lost Mama's blog, and decided to share it with you all.  I'm warning you: break out the tissues!  But it helped me a lot to ease my troubled heart.  (Go down to the bottom of the page first, and pause my playlist.) Happy Mothers Day, everyone!

March for Babies, Misery, and Ash

Sunday was the March for Babies!  I was sad to have to leave WAY too early, but I walked for my little man, and I suppose that's all that matters.  My dear new friend, Jaclyn, is the one who started our team "No Life Too Small" in honor of her son, Zachary.  She had shirts made (WHICH I LOVE!), and we looked fabulous in them!  (I'm wearing mine now).  She also did another thing, which I don't even know if she realizes, meant the WORLD to me.  She had made a logo for the team with her son's footprints/name on it, and she made me a pin with the same logo, replacing Zachary's name with my Trevor Michael!  I had been completely upset with the fact that I am a procrastinator and hadn't gotten anything to wear in memory of my son.  But Jaclyn saved the day!  I now have the pin hanging in my car, and it reminds me every day that I am not alone; and that my son is being remembered.  I was really upset at one point about having to duck out early, and then missing church later on that night.  But then I remember that the March was still a success, regardless; because Zachary and Trevor's little lives were honored in such a big way.

On another note, I'm not so sure I'm doing well these days.  You would think, after being able to be open about my son, the wound would heal a little.  I feel like it's getting worse.  I'm also starting to dwell on things from my past that haven't mattered all that much before.  I have been thinking a lot about "Nicholas" (Trevor's father).  But about the bad things.  I try to give him credit, but the not-so-good things are starting to resurface in my mind.  Also, I've been thinking about another ex-boyfriend of mine, Ash.  Quick background: I was 15, he was 19...I thought he was the love of my life; I was the love of his.  The story's a bit complicated, but he was no longer in my life after 2001.  Then, in 2006, while Nicholas and I have been trying to recover from the loss of our Angel...Ash comes crashing back into my world like lighting.  He tells me we should have never been apart.  He was the one who made me realize that Nicholas was no good for me.  He honors my son's memory more than Nicholas ever will.  It was a dream come true to have him back in my life.  He would marry me, in an instant, no questions asked.  But something doesn't feel right.  I can't get out of my head that he's too good to be true; so I tell him, we can't do this.  He BEGS and PLEADS and tells me I'm the only one he'll ever love.  He's PERFECT.  But for some reason, I can't do it.  So here I am, almost 10 years after originally meeting him, and I'm alone, and miserable.  He only lives 45 minutes away.  He wants to get married; he wants to have babies.  He's everything I could ever ask for.  But still, I can't do it.  AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.  I miss him.  The day before March for Babies was his 28th birthday.  It made me wonder what we could be now.  I could be "decorated in babies" (as someone cute once said) ;-), I could be throwing him a huge birthday party.  I could be his wife.  Still, something holds me back.  WHY?  I don't know, either.  It's almost as if I have a hard time believing he's real, and subconsciously, I'd spend our entire life together worrying that one day, he'll just vanish; and again, I'll be alone.  I know it makes no sense, but it's what inside my head.  I was going to send him a birthday wish e-mail, but I'm not sure I'm ready to open up that can of worms.  So I'll say it here.

"Happy birthday, Ashman.  Hope you've got everything you've wished for.  I'm sorry."

Coming Clean

I did it!  I finally told my mother about Trevor.  It was honestly so much easier than all the pain I've put myself through over the years wondering how it would go.  I wasn't sure I was ready, but it just came out.  I was going up to my Mom's on friday night to pick up my brother for our usual friday night festivities.  I always practice how I would tell her on the drive up, but never expect that I'll have the courage to tell her.  I saw her, and I just couldn't take it anymore.  I shut her bedroom door and said "I've got to tell you a story."  I thought I could remain strong, but I started crying before I even spoke.  She looked concerned, and I said, "It's okay, I just have to tell you something.  When I was 19, me and 'Nicholas' had a baby, and he died."  Not the most eloquently worded thing in the world, but at least I got it out.

I think about it now and there's a million things I would have said differently, but such is life.  I told her we named him Trevor Michael; and that he was born alive but he was just too little to survive.  I told her that Trevor is what made me want to start going to church and finding God.  I told her that's why I am doing the March for Babies (which she then sponsored me for...I have reached my fundraising goal!)  I told her she can tell anyone she wants, and that I am just so tired of hiding him.  I showed her Trevor's Name In The Sand, and she thought it was beautiful.  She cried, and I'm sure she's grieving now, too.  But I am so relieved to be able to be honest with her.  She told me (though I already knew) that she also lost a baby, and she was only 19, too.  I never thought my own mother would be the one who could relate to me.  She's glad she has a grandson, and she's only sorry that I felt I couldn't tell her.  She said that she can't believe I've been going through this alone for so long.  Neither can I.  She also said if she ever sees "Nicholas" again, she's going to make him wish he'd never gotten out of bed that day.  I don't blame her.

I'm exhausted; and I've got a long day tomorrow.  But I had to share the news!  I am so relieved, and I want to thank everyone who has encouraged me to get this far.  I don't know what I would have done without your kind words and advice.  I'll update again soon!

Peace, Love and Me!

I'm having a great day today!  I have thought about my little Angel, all day, and smiled!  I'm trying to cherish the 22 minutes I did get to spend on this Earth with my baby boy.  I have basically been a hermit lately.  I've been getting up around 3pm, staying home all day until my best friend gets out of work; and then going to her house and crying with her.  I'm sure she's getting tired of it; as is her husband.  I have been doing nothing.  I haven't gone out, cleaned my apartment, cooked a meal, or even really lived in quite a long time.  So today, I woke up around 11:30 (which is good for me), got dressed, went and got myself lunch (which I ate at the Sea Wall, beautiful!), went grocery shopping; and I'm going to cook a chicken/asparagus casserole to have my sister and her boyfriend over for dinner.

I know these things sound common and simple, but for me, it was a great big step in the right direction!  I had no fear of being alone.  I accomplished daily tasks without having a meltdown.  I saw a little boy with his young mother in the market, and was able to speak to them and compliment her on how beautiful her son is, without being in a fit of jealous rage!  I know these days only come every once in a while, but I like them.  I feel like myself again, at least for now.

On another note, spring is here! I actually took this picture two years ago with a crappy digital camera.  It was the day my cousin's daughter (my goddaughter), Helena, was born; and on my way out to visit them in the hospital, I saw this single, beautiful lily in (then my house) my mother's front yard.  I took a picture, and it came out amazing!  I can't use it for this week's spring/Easter theme at I Heart Faces, because, well, there's no face in it.  But I like it, so I wanted to share!

P.S. - I need sponsors for March for Babies!!  The walk is in 12 days!  If you have even an extra $10 to spare, I would truly appreciate your donation.  You can sponsor me online on My Personal Page; or send me cash or check; for which, you can email me at Jacquelyn925@aol.com for the address.

I hope everyone is enjoying spring, wherever you are!

Conflict and Progress

So, I almost told my Mom yesterday.  (If you're confused, read "My Story, My Son; How My Angel Earned His Wings" -----> to the right.)  It was Easter, and I practiced all the way up to my Mom's house.  What I would say, how I would help her understand.  I had it all figured out.  My brother would be upstairs playing video games, and she'd be in the kitchen, making Easter dinner.  We'd have some time alone and I could tell her all about the little light in my life I call Trevor.  I want her to love him like I do.  I want her to be able to know she has a little grandson up there with my Dad in Heaven; and that they're having the time of their (after-)lives.  I want her to know, that even though she had a stillborn daughter before even I was born, that she's not alone.

I got there, and chaos it was.  My mom's upstairs, yelling down, asking my brother what the hell he did with all her laundry.  Bro's in the living room, running back and forth with the dog like a crazy person.  My uncle is there, making some food in the kitchen, singing a tune.  It just didn't seem like a good time.  So I think, I'll tell my Mom and brother when we're visiting my Dad's grave.  We go to my Grandma's house, and on the way back, stop at the cemetery.  We were planting flowers, but the wind chill is like negative 40,000 degrees for some reason, and we're all too busy swearing at how cold it is, and trying to dig up dirt to plant tulips, that it's just not do-able (welcome to my family, by the way).  I never ended up telling Grandma about my little Angel.  There just wasn't a good time.  But I realized later, there never really is a "good time" to have a conversation like that.  I was thinking of writing her a letter about it, and just giving it to her and not being there when she reads it.  I know that's the chicken way of doing it; but I've been keeping it from her from so long I almost don't know if I want to tell her.  I remember reading on a blog (don't remember where), how sad this mother felt because her mother, Angel's grandmother, was also grieving for her child's loss.  I don't want my mother to even know I'm suffering like that.  I don't want her to see the pain in my eyes; and she will.  I know what it's like to see your child in pain, and not be able to help them.  I don't want her to have to grieve another person, her grandson; her only grandchild so far.  I  AM SO TIRED OF LYING!  I AM TIRED OF HIDING MY SON FROM THE WORLD!  But then again, if I tell my family, I have to go through it all over again.  For the third time.  I am making progress, and I feel like I'll end up taking a step back.  I am so conflicted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a sort of brighter note, I have made more progress.  Just a little thing, but I feel great about it.  My friend (who has two children) and I were in the drugstore on Saturday, and she was trying to get some last-minute things for her kids for Easter.  She looked at me, and knew I was upset because I have no little boy to buy an Easter present for.  She said something that changed my views completely.  She said, "You know, you do have a son.  He might not be here, but you do have him.  If you want to get him something for Easter, you should get him something for Easter."  So I did.  He would be four-and-almost-a-half right now.  I was thinking, he's a little old for stuffed bunnies, but I think these are cute.  I said, "A four-year-old boy would think this was stupid."  She said, "Not a sweet one."  Trevor would certainly be a "sweet one"!  So I got a baby blue stuffed bunny with a plastic container full of jelly beans, that says "Happy Easter".  

I wrote the date and occasion (in case some day it's not obvious what holiday the bunny was for, lol) on the back of the tag.  From now on, I am going to get Trev something for holidays.  I DO HAVE A SON.  I AM A MOTHER.  We just have a different kind of mother-son relationship than others.

Demons

I feel like it's been a few days since I've posted.  I don't know what to say, really.  I'm still miserable, still waking up every day almost wishing I hadn't.  The little "signs" from my son have really quieted down...and I don't like that.  I almost never catch the clock at 22 past the hour anymore, which I always have...and I definitely don't like that.  Just as I felt that Trevor was always with me and close to me, now I feel like he's slipping away.  I know that sounds stupid to begin with, because, well he never was really here at home with me, anyway.  But to me, I feel like he's fading over the past few days.  I want his little Angel spirit with me always!

Also, I had the most heartbreaking, terrible, horrifying nightmare of my life, the night before last.  I dreamt I was in a giant black "room" (felt like a black hole to me), and way on the opposite side is the tiniest bit of light shining on my son.  He's curled up in a ball, sitting on the floor and crying.  He's SCREAMING for me.  "Mama, HELP ME!  Why won't you help me?  Mama, please help me!"  Then these very tall, frightening "men" wearing all black robes and black wings come to me and say "If you speak, we'll hurt him.  If you move, we'll slowly and painfully kill Trevor"  They used his name!  The thing is, as much as I wanted to save my son, I physically couldn't move or speak.  Trevor just keeps saying, "Mama, why won't you help me?  Why won't you come save me?"  ...and I can't even speak to tell him that I can't even move!  But I manage to ask questions to these "men".  I ask who they are, "We're angels," they say.  I tell them "No you're not!  Angels wouldn't hurt my baby!  Where is Jesus?  He'll tell you.  He'll tell you you're not Angels!  He'll fix this! Where is Jesus?"  But they laugh and laugh at me, all the while Trevor is SCREAMING for me, and I can't help him.  They tell me, "if you wake up, Trevor dies."  So I try to stay asleep!  The weirdest thing is, I slept almost all day! It definitely ruined my day yesterday, I'll tell you that.  It was so real!  I woke up drenched with tears!  I don't know what that dream was about, but I sure as hell don't like it.

Then, the little "signs" from Trevor die down, and I stop seeing the 22 after the hour.  I just don't like it, at all.

Bi-Polar!

Wow, what a topsy-turvy day!  I'm happy, then I'm sad; I'm okay, then I'm falling apart.  I don't know from one minute to the next where I'll be mentally!

Church was great tonight. I cried my eyes out, but I always do.  I always end up thinking of Trevor somehow.  Someone always says something!  But, I'm okay with that.  If you can't lose it in church, where can you feel safe?  So, we had a guest speaker, Brother Gibbs.  What a great guy!  I was so moved by his words.  I only wish I was a better person for it.

I have got to change something in my life.  I'm not right.  Really.  I have no job, I can't ever finish a semester of school, I barely see any of my friends except one anymore; I go to bed at 6AM and sleep until 3PM, I've been getting wasted every weekend.  I am so unhappy with myself.  It's like, I'm spiraling downward and I can't stop it.  I blame it on being a grieving mother; but really, that's not the way to handle this!  I am just so lost.  It seems like every time there's prospectively something good coming my way, it's gone in the blink of an eye!

Like this guy.  He goes the to the church I've been going to.  We've only spoken once, but I'm completely smitten!  It's ridiculous!  From the first day I started going there, I was all distracted and told my friend I thought he was cute.  It's so weird, because her and I have both agreed he is so not my type!  He's apparently younger than me, which is not something I've ever been okay with.  He's kind of a dork, but he's so cute to me.  There's something about him that makes it impossible not to melt every time he looks at me; and it makes no sense! I have a crush like a 12-year-old!  Well, anyway I found out he's been with the same girl for years.  He loves her.  Of course he does.  My friend has convinced me that he smiles and stares and mildly flirts with me; which I thought too.  But once again all my hopes came crashing down.  He's just a nice kid, it ends there.  I got excited...and look what happened.  Even though I know he's untouchable, I still can't help but smile back.  I suppose I'll have to settle for that.

This entry is a perfect example of my mindflow today.  All over the place, up and down.  I've got to get out of this rut I'm stuck in.  Something's got to change.  I've got to change.

Angel Always With Me

So today is a little bit better than usual.  Bittersweet, I guess.  It's cold and rainy out and I hate this weather.  But for some reason there is a stillness and peace about it.  This morning I was sitting here on the computer and something in my bathroom down the hall basically threw itself off the counter.  It made a HUGE noise!  I talk to my son frequently, so I said "Trev, is that you?"  Right after I asked, my alarm went off in the bedroom!  It wasn't set or anything!  It's almost like he had me chasing him around the apartment for fun.

It was fun.  Call me crazy, but I know my little boy is trying to show me he's okay.  Ever since I started honoring his life, he's been giving a little bit back.  Even just a few minutes ago I heard giggling.  Which is not odd, since there's a daycare in my apartment complex...but there are no children outside today, it's raining!

Believe what you will, I know these things don't make sense.  But I believe them;  I believe my son is with me.  So at least I can find comfort in these little signs.  Either way, I'm having a good day because of it...and I haven't have many of those lately.

In response to your help...

Thank you all for your help and concerns.

I don't know anything about them sending his placenta away.  I know Nicholas didn't even give them my real name.  They had no history on me, nothing.  In a way then, it is my fault, too.  But at the time I was 19, stupid, and not realizing how later on in life I would regret these things so much.  As much as I want to know the truth, I almost don't (does that make sense?)

Gestational diabetes is something I didn't even know could cause weight gain in a baby.  Three of my cousins went through that with almost all of their children, so it's possible.  This is the thing, I hate being uneducated on the topic, but I don't even know where to begin the research.  And I only recently started letting my son's memory into my mind, unfortunately...so even if he was born four years ago, it's all new to me.

The thing that made me so mad was seeing all these stories and videos of 22-weekers (and even one 21-weeker!), who survived.  The thing is, even if it was procedure not to save a baby at 22 weeks, wouldn't his bigger size warrant them at least a try?  1lb. 6oz. is a big boy for 22 weeks!  He might've been 9+lbs. at full term!

I don't know, but over all I am under the impression that no one even tried to save my son; and that, infuriates me.