7 Years

Seven years.

That's how long it's been since Trevor's father, "Nicholas", and I started "officially" dating. Today would be our 7 YEAR anniversary. I was 17 years old, now I'm 24. Obviously, a lot has changed. Except the things that should have changed. Like me, thinking about Nicholas every day; comparing stories with people, saying "Nicholas and I used to..." or "That's like one time, when Nicholas..." It hit me the other day. WOW, it's going to have been SEVEN YEARS since we started dating. Three since we broke up. Even then, I was 21.

It HAS to be high time to move on. I've got to get over him. Now, this won't be easy; he is Trevor's father. So I can't never, ever talk about him again. There is no question. But I can take myself mentally out of his life. I suppose I've been "out of his life" for three years now. But I have still, daily, wondered what he was doing. I have still been worrying about the times I've run into him. I've still been thinking (and talking) about how we would be married by now, with or without Trevor. I keep trying to find out through the grapevine what he's up to. I need to stop!

So today, marks the day I started trying. Trying to get over him; trying to move on. Trying to live my life for the future and not for the past. That's a big one. I am one of those people who lives in the past. I dwell on it; drown in it. I need to look towards my future as a strong, Christian woman who can take care of herself. I want to need no man in my life; though I need to have faith that one will come. My knight in shining armor is out there somewhere. I may have already found him; but I've been running from him because of my past experience. The abused little girl in my past whose son was stolen from her needs to let go, and become the strong woman; the wife, the mother that I know I will be.

I'll never "get over" my son. I don't want to. But that doesn't mean that I can't get over his father. Our relationship is over. OVER. He's not coming back. And in reality, I never wanted him to; or I would have never left him in the first place. He hit me, raped me, and told me I was worthless...why couldn't I ever see through the haze?

I make no promises, other than to TRY. I won't say this will be easy; but I know that once it's over I will look back and think, how trivial. I know there are bigger, greater things in store for me, thanks to my one and only Savior, Jesus Christ. God has a plan for me, and I'm going to let Him see it through. And I know God gave me Nicholas, so that one day I would learn these lessons.

7 years. Time to move on...

P.S. - his name isn't Nicholas, it's Charlie.

"Tied together with a smile, but (I'm) coming undone"

It's been cold for the past few days = fall is coming; and I can't wait to jump off a bridge see the leaves turn red. I'm so distraught happy that Trevor's birthday is coming up! My birthday of course comes first (Sept. 25th), but there's no even thinking of that once it starts to feel like fall again. In 2004, I was only consciously pregnant from late August (like, this week) until November 22, when my Angel was born and went to be with God. Autumn weather has always been my favorite time of year, and it's bittersweet totally awesome. And it does NOT feel like it's been 5 years already! My baby boy should be heading to pre-school, if not kindergarten next week, and it's killing me very nostalgic!

Okay, time for brutal honesty: I wish I could just f****ng enjoy the fall like every other normal person!!!!!! Autumn used to be the happiest time of the year; my birthday, my best friend's birthday, apple picking, pumpkin patches, hayrides, haunted houses, costumes, cool, crisp air, fallen leaves, boots, sweaters, good food, honoring our Veterans, my son's birthday...oh wait, not planning my son's birthday party; planning his memorial ceremony. Not dressing him up like Spiderman or Batman or whoever the heck he wants to be. He's not turning 5, he's not unpredictable, and definitely not melting me more every day with his words. Oh, and he's not sooooo smart and he's not getting soooo big! I can't wait to not drop him off at pre-school; you know the day where mothers everywhere say they're "letting go" of their babies? You don't know the meaning!!!!!!

Don't worry though, I'm doing worse than I've ever been because it's the first year that everyone will know about Trevor's birthday and I have a memorial to plan just fine.

"Nicholas" and I on Trevor's 1st birthday, 11/22/05

Coming Clean

I did it!  I finally told my mother about Trevor.  It was honestly so much easier than all the pain I've put myself through over the years wondering how it would go.  I wasn't sure I was ready, but it just came out.  I was going up to my Mom's on friday night to pick up my brother for our usual friday night festivities.  I always practice how I would tell her on the drive up, but never expect that I'll have the courage to tell her.  I saw her, and I just couldn't take it anymore.  I shut her bedroom door and said "I've got to tell you a story."  I thought I could remain strong, but I started crying before I even spoke.  She looked concerned, and I said, "It's okay, I just have to tell you something.  When I was 19, me and 'Nicholas' had a baby, and he died."  Not the most eloquently worded thing in the world, but at least I got it out.

I think about it now and there's a million things I would have said differently, but such is life.  I told her we named him Trevor Michael; and that he was born alive but he was just too little to survive.  I told her that Trevor is what made me want to start going to church and finding God.  I told her that's why I am doing the March for Babies (which she then sponsored me for...I have reached my fundraising goal!)  I told her she can tell anyone she wants, and that I am just so tired of hiding him.  I showed her Trevor's Name In The Sand, and she thought it was beautiful.  She cried, and I'm sure she's grieving now, too.  But I am so relieved to be able to be honest with her.  She told me (though I already knew) that she also lost a baby, and she was only 19, too.  I never thought my own mother would be the one who could relate to me.  She's glad she has a grandson, and she's only sorry that I felt I couldn't tell her.  She said that she can't believe I've been going through this alone for so long.  Neither can I.  She also said if she ever sees "Nicholas" again, she's going to make him wish he'd never gotten out of bed that day.  I don't blame her.

I'm exhausted; and I've got a long day tomorrow.  But I had to share the news!  I am so relieved, and I want to thank everyone who has encouraged me to get this far.  I don't know what I would have done without your kind words and advice.  I'll update again soon!