7 Years

Seven years.

That's how long it's been since Trevor's father, "Nicholas", and I started "officially" dating. Today would be our 7 YEAR anniversary. I was 17 years old, now I'm 24. Obviously, a lot has changed. Except the things that should have changed. Like me, thinking about Nicholas every day; comparing stories with people, saying "Nicholas and I used to..." or "That's like one time, when Nicholas..." It hit me the other day. WOW, it's going to have been SEVEN YEARS since we started dating. Three since we broke up. Even then, I was 21.

It HAS to be high time to move on. I've got to get over him. Now, this won't be easy; he is Trevor's father. So I can't never, ever talk about him again. There is no question. But I can take myself mentally out of his life. I suppose I've been "out of his life" for three years now. But I have still, daily, wondered what he was doing. I have still been worrying about the times I've run into him. I've still been thinking (and talking) about how we would be married by now, with or without Trevor. I keep trying to find out through the grapevine what he's up to. I need to stop!

So today, marks the day I started trying. Trying to get over him; trying to move on. Trying to live my life for the future and not for the past. That's a big one. I am one of those people who lives in the past. I dwell on it; drown in it. I need to look towards my future as a strong, Christian woman who can take care of herself. I want to need no man in my life; though I need to have faith that one will come. My knight in shining armor is out there somewhere. I may have already found him; but I've been running from him because of my past experience. The abused little girl in my past whose son was stolen from her needs to let go, and become the strong woman; the wife, the mother that I know I will be.

I'll never "get over" my son. I don't want to. But that doesn't mean that I can't get over his father. Our relationship is over. OVER. He's not coming back. And in reality, I never wanted him to; or I would have never left him in the first place. He hit me, raped me, and told me I was worthless...why couldn't I ever see through the haze?

I make no promises, other than to TRY. I won't say this will be easy; but I know that once it's over I will look back and think, how trivial. I know there are bigger, greater things in store for me, thanks to my one and only Savior, Jesus Christ. God has a plan for me, and I'm going to let Him see it through. And I know God gave me Nicholas, so that one day I would learn these lessons.

7 years. Time to move on...

P.S. - his name isn't Nicholas, it's Charlie.

March for Babies, Misery, and Ash

Sunday was the March for Babies!  I was sad to have to leave WAY too early, but I walked for my little man, and I suppose that's all that matters.  My dear new friend, Jaclyn, is the one who started our team "No Life Too Small" in honor of her son, Zachary.  She had shirts made (WHICH I LOVE!), and we looked fabulous in them!  (I'm wearing mine now).  She also did another thing, which I don't even know if she realizes, meant the WORLD to me.  She had made a logo for the team with her son's footprints/name on it, and she made me a pin with the same logo, replacing Zachary's name with my Trevor Michael!  I had been completely upset with the fact that I am a procrastinator and hadn't gotten anything to wear in memory of my son.  But Jaclyn saved the day!  I now have the pin hanging in my car, and it reminds me every day that I am not alone; and that my son is being remembered.  I was really upset at one point about having to duck out early, and then missing church later on that night.  But then I remember that the March was still a success, regardless; because Zachary and Trevor's little lives were honored in such a big way.

On another note, I'm not so sure I'm doing well these days.  You would think, after being able to be open about my son, the wound would heal a little.  I feel like it's getting worse.  I'm also starting to dwell on things from my past that haven't mattered all that much before.  I have been thinking a lot about "Nicholas" (Trevor's father).  But about the bad things.  I try to give him credit, but the not-so-good things are starting to resurface in my mind.  Also, I've been thinking about another ex-boyfriend of mine, Ash.  Quick background: I was 15, he was 19...I thought he was the love of my life; I was the love of his.  The story's a bit complicated, but he was no longer in my life after 2001.  Then, in 2006, while Nicholas and I have been trying to recover from the loss of our Angel...Ash comes crashing back into my world like lighting.  He tells me we should have never been apart.  He was the one who made me realize that Nicholas was no good for me.  He honors my son's memory more than Nicholas ever will.  It was a dream come true to have him back in my life.  He would marry me, in an instant, no questions asked.  But something doesn't feel right.  I can't get out of my head that he's too good to be true; so I tell him, we can't do this.  He BEGS and PLEADS and tells me I'm the only one he'll ever love.  He's PERFECT.  But for some reason, I can't do it.  So here I am, almost 10 years after originally meeting him, and I'm alone, and miserable.  He only lives 45 minutes away.  He wants to get married; he wants to have babies.  He's everything I could ever ask for.  But still, I can't do it.  AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.  I miss him.  The day before March for Babies was his 28th birthday.  It made me wonder what we could be now.  I could be "decorated in babies" (as someone cute once said) ;-), I could be throwing him a huge birthday party.  I could be his wife.  Still, something holds me back.  WHY?  I don't know, either.  It's almost as if I have a hard time believing he's real, and subconsciously, I'd spend our entire life together worrying that one day, he'll just vanish; and again, I'll be alone.  I know it makes no sense, but it's what inside my head.  I was going to send him a birthday wish e-mail, but I'm not sure I'm ready to open up that can of worms.  So I'll say it here.

"Happy birthday, Ashman.  Hope you've got everything you've wished for.  I'm sorry."