March for Babies, Misery, and Ash

Sunday was the March for Babies!  I was sad to have to leave WAY too early, but I walked for my little man, and I suppose that's all that matters.  My dear new friend, Jaclyn, is the one who started our team "No Life Too Small" in honor of her son, Zachary.  She had shirts made (WHICH I LOVE!), and we looked fabulous in them!  (I'm wearing mine now).  She also did another thing, which I don't even know if she realizes, meant the WORLD to me.  She had made a logo for the team with her son's footprints/name on it, and she made me a pin with the same logo, replacing Zachary's name with my Trevor Michael!  I had been completely upset with the fact that I am a procrastinator and hadn't gotten anything to wear in memory of my son.  But Jaclyn saved the day!  I now have the pin hanging in my car, and it reminds me every day that I am not alone; and that my son is being remembered.  I was really upset at one point about having to duck out early, and then missing church later on that night.  But then I remember that the March was still a success, regardless; because Zachary and Trevor's little lives were honored in such a big way.

On another note, I'm not so sure I'm doing well these days.  You would think, after being able to be open about my son, the wound would heal a little.  I feel like it's getting worse.  I'm also starting to dwell on things from my past that haven't mattered all that much before.  I have been thinking a lot about "Nicholas" (Trevor's father).  But about the bad things.  I try to give him credit, but the not-so-good things are starting to resurface in my mind.  Also, I've been thinking about another ex-boyfriend of mine, Ash.  Quick background: I was 15, he was 19...I thought he was the love of my life; I was the love of his.  The story's a bit complicated, but he was no longer in my life after 2001.  Then, in 2006, while Nicholas and I have been trying to recover from the loss of our Angel...Ash comes crashing back into my world like lighting.  He tells me we should have never been apart.  He was the one who made me realize that Nicholas was no good for me.  He honors my son's memory more than Nicholas ever will.  It was a dream come true to have him back in my life.  He would marry me, in an instant, no questions asked.  But something doesn't feel right.  I can't get out of my head that he's too good to be true; so I tell him, we can't do this.  He BEGS and PLEADS and tells me I'm the only one he'll ever love.  He's PERFECT.  But for some reason, I can't do it.  So here I am, almost 10 years after originally meeting him, and I'm alone, and miserable.  He only lives 45 minutes away.  He wants to get married; he wants to have babies.  He's everything I could ever ask for.  But still, I can't do it.  AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.  I miss him.  The day before March for Babies was his 28th birthday.  It made me wonder what we could be now.  I could be "decorated in babies" (as someone cute once said) ;-), I could be throwing him a huge birthday party.  I could be his wife.  Still, something holds me back.  WHY?  I don't know, either.  It's almost as if I have a hard time believing he's real, and subconsciously, I'd spend our entire life together worrying that one day, he'll just vanish; and again, I'll be alone.  I know it makes no sense, but it's what inside my head.  I was going to send him a birthday wish e-mail, but I'm not sure I'm ready to open up that can of worms.  So I'll say it here.

"Happy birthday, Ashman.  Hope you've got everything you've wished for.  I'm sorry."

Break My Dreams

Okay, so last night I tried to, for the first time in a LONG time, go out and have a good time.  I should have known better! My cousin and his girlfriend just turned 21 this month, so we decided to go out to a local bar and have a few celebratory cocktails.  I ran into some friends from high school, and it was overall a fun and endearing situation.  I was having a great time.  How I missed this next part coming is beyond me.  We were at a bar down near my house, called Gillian's.  I guess it's a popular place to be in South County.  Which I knew; I was the one who wanted to go there.

I see a group of guys leaving.  Somehow, I didn't see them at all the half hour I had been there.  I take a sip of my drink, realize who's walking out, stop everything I'm doing, and all in one motion I see him.  "Nicholas", Trevor's father.  We haven't spoken or seen each other face-to-face in over two years.  I guess until now I had let go of all the animosity.  I had started coming to terms with the fact that he's a good guy, and maybe we're just different people.  But in that moment, I remembered why we are apart.  He looked at me, as if to try and cut me with his eyes.  Those green eyes that once melted my heart are now piercing me like a knife.  I've almost never seen him so angry.  I've never seen so much hatred in those eyes.  I'm wondering, what went through his mind?

I always knew this day would come.  We live in the smallest state, and even living at opposite ends of it we're only half an hour away.  But why, in such a small state is someone from half and hour away at Gillian's?  I was almost hoping lately that we'd run into each other.  I thought, maybe it would ease my mind.  Instead, it's tossed me up in the air, and I don't know how to land without crashing.  I know we were in a fight last time we spoke; I know we (obviously) have a history, but why was he so horrible?  Even the people I had run into at the bar, were shocked and angry at the look he gave me.  He said nothing, yet he said so much.  That's always been his way, though.  Always.

I have never been more hurt.  I'm starting to dislike myself again.  He always had me brainwashed into thinking I was the scum on the bottom of his shoe; that he was better than me and I'd never amount to anything.  I don't know that he's ever said that out loud, but he might as well have over the years.  Here I am all this time giving him credit!  Thinking he just didn't know how to deal with Trevor's death and maybe he just couldn't handle it all.  But now I think he's really just a horrible person.  After all we've been through, not only do you not say hello, you CRUSH me like that?  What happened to the boy I fell in love with?  Where is the boy who was helping me through my frightened teenage pregnancy, who wanted to marry me and take care of his son?  I know you're probably reading this and thinking I'm overreacting; it was just a look.  But that look, said a thousand hurtful and horrible things in one instant.

What's worse is I chased him!  He walked out the doors and I RAN after him!  He didn't notice, and I stopped myself at the outside door, but how pathetic am I?  I didn't know what else to do!  I had so much to say, so many questions to ask him.  I let him walk away.  Even if we fought, at least I'd know for sure what he's thinking.  I thought I didn't care about him.  I thought I was past this!  I thought I had convinced myself I wasn't worthless, and that Nicholas wasn't going to dictate the way I live my life.

I wonder if he heard through the grapevine (i.e., my dear, but incapable-of-keeping-her-mouth-shut friend, Courtney) that I've been opening up about Trevor.  I know we always said we'd never talk about it; but that's not fair!  I WON'T forget my son and act like he never existed.  I WILL NOT.  I don't care if Nicholas flips out, denies it, hates me, threatens me...the one thing I will not do is go back to not talking about my son.  He is MY SON, not some accident that happened four years ago that I'm going to push to the back of my mind and erase.  I did that for four f***ing years, and I won't waste another day not remembering that precious little life.

I'm sorry for rambling, swearing, getting mad, etc.  I just had to get it out.  Now there's another whole side to my pain.  Another thing to be angry about; another thing to "mourn", if you will.   I loved Nicholas in my memory as a lost boy who happened to handle our tragedy poorly.  Now, again, he's just the a**hole who tore my heart out and stomped on it.