LOVE

Over the past few days, I learned a whole hell of a lot about love. Not that I didn't know anything about the subject; I have just recently been failing to see love for what it is. I have learned that love, as a concept doesn't have anything at all to do with romance. Sure, it's there in romantic relationships...but let's think about all the non-romance types of love. For one, the love that a parent has for their child, and vice versa. Though I spent only minutes with Trevor, I have never in my life before him, or after his birth felt love in the same way that I feel about my son. From the second I even knew he was in my womb, this little boy (though he wasn't even for sure a boy yet) was my world. "It's just me and you against the world, baby," I would tell him. It was, just me and him, against the world...it still is. Because of the few moments I spent with my son, the 24 years I've spent with my mother, and the 20 years I spent with my father, I can imagine exactly how Trevor feels about me. I imagine my Angel loves me a whole lot from Heaven. Even more than I could ever love him from little old Earth. And that's more than I would have ever imagined, before him. I wouldn't trade the love I feel for my son for anything in the entire world, and it is that love that keeps me alive every day.

Amongst this post about love, I absolutely must ask you all to pray for Eva. This young woman is less than a year younger than me, which blows my mind. She is far more mature than I'll be even 5 years from now. Please take the time to visit her blog and watch her farewell video. I will warn you, it will break your heart. On the other hand, Eva taught me a lot of very important lessons, in less than 7 minutes. She is beautiful, smart, and one of the bravest women I have ever heard of. I learned a lot of things from Eva's story, but the thing that strikes me the most is something that should be so obvious. That is, love is simple. Really, it is! It takes next to nothing to love another; or at least, it should take next to nothing. I have found that in my life, love has become something I resent, or am jealous of. Eva made me realize how selfish I've been. I've got plenty of love from plenty of people, and that really is all that matters.

Another kind of love, the greatest of all, I have to mention. That is the Love of God for his children. I thank God every single day for the love that He gives me. Though this is a love we can never understand, we can understand at least that it is greater than any love we will ever experience here on Earth. No matter what anyone else has to say, God will always love me. No matter what. So thank you, Lord, for loving me.

I'm going to try to love more; and more often. I'm going to post a Bible verse that I'm sure you've all read before. My best friend and I had a pretty bad falling out last weekend, and after all was said and done, she posted this as her status. I have always loved this verse, but over the past few years I have grown into jealous and bitter and hateful person; someone I've never wanted to be. It took only God's Word to touch my heart and make me look at life from a different angle. This time, when you read these words, take the time to think about what they really say...

If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes the imperfect disappears.

1 Corinthians 13:3-10 (NIV)

Another Loss

So...in order to tell you what happened yesterday, first I'll have to tell you all what I've failed to tell you for the past few weeks.  I did the stupid, sinful, embarrasing thing in Tulsa and had unprotected sex with Austin (see my last post, "I HEART TULSA").  Five days later, I missed my period.  A week after that, I was nauseous and vomited for 5 days straight.  I felt the implantation pulling, "bungee cord" feeling.   Most of all my period NEVER came.  A few days ago, I started seeing brownish-pink spotting.  This is usually what is called "implantation bleeding".  It's also an early sign of miscarriage.  Yesterday would have been 4 weeks 4 days pregnant.

To be honest, I am so swallowed with the loss of my son that I was EXCITED to be pregnant!  I WANTED this baby.  Even if Austin wanted nothing to do with me, in my mind this was the best mistake I'd ever made.  Needless to say, yesterday morning I was certainly not pregnant anymore.  This may be graphic, but I've been getting blood clots the size of quarters, and I feel as if someone is trying to rip my insides out of me.  I was DEVASTATED.  I spent the day with my best friend, Kaleigh, balling my eyes out and screaming at the sky.  I was so lost.  Did I really just lose ANOTHER child?  Now, clearly a 4 week 4 day embryo the size of a pin head is nothing in comparison to losing my 1lb 6oz, living son.  But I was pregnant two days ago, nonetheless, and I'm not pregnant anymore.  And there isn't a baby, either.  So twice, I was pregnant, and now, TWICE I've lost a baby.

In spite of this, I am trying to remain strong.  If ever I've realized that God is in control, it's now.  I know that He will not harm me; only teach me lessons.  I have faith that one day I will have beautiful, healthy babies and a husband who loves me with all of his heart.  I've learned that I need to at least TRY to be patient with His plan; and until I see it, do my best to serve our Lord in my every day life.  If never before, I am praying every chance that I get.  I know that God will not give me a child until I love myself enough to be a good mother.  I know that all the things that have happened to me in my life, have all been part of His plan, in one way or another.  I know that I have learned something from my losses; and from the losses of others, too.  I know that now Trevor has a sibling to play with in his mansion in Heaven!  I don't know how something like a miscarriage has brought me CLOSER to God...but it has.  Maybe He's trying to show me that even though this has happened, He is never far from me.  If I can have faith now, I will never lose my faith again.

Might I add, I have never in my life been more grateful for my best friend.  I've been a terrible friend to her lately.  A jealous, spiteful BITCH, in plain English.  Yet, she hasn't left me for a moment.  She has been there through EVERYTHING I've been going through.  I only hope that someday I can be for her what she has been for me.  Kay, if you read this I love you, I'm sorry, and thank you.

A Good Day...For Once

So today I had a sort of "revelation", if you will.  I was taking the 20-minute drive home from Westerly, and it was around the time the sun begins to set.  I was driving along, listening to my favorite music, and suddenly, I felt so at peace; for the first time in a long time.  I don't know what it was: the trees, the clouds, the light pink color the sky was turning, or what; but I thought, that's God.  If that's not something that shows me who God is, I don't know what is.

I thought about my son in that moment.  For the first time, instead of feeling sad, I was relieved.  Relieved to think he's up there with God in Heaven.  I thought, good for him.  I'm happy for you, little man.  So Trevor, Mama loves you; and I know you're happy where you are.  That's all that matters to me now.  I'm sure I will have my share of bad days to come, but today wasn't one of them.  I'm glad for that.