Church was great tonight. I cried my eyes out, but I always do. I always end up thinking of Trevor somehow. Someone always says something! But, I'm okay with that. If you can't lose it in church, where can you feel safe? So, we had a guest speaker, Brother Gibbs. What a great guy! I was so moved by his words. I only wish I was a better person for it.
I have got to change something in my life. I'm not right. Really. I have no job, I can't ever finish a semester of school, I barely see any of my friends except one anymore; I go to bed at 6AM and sleep until 3PM, I've been getting wasted every weekend. I am so unhappy with myself. It's like, I'm spiraling downward and I can't stop it. I blame it on being a grieving mother; but really, that's not the way to handle this! I am just so lost. It seems like every time there's prospectively something good coming my way, it's gone in the blink of an eye!
Like this guy. He goes the to the church I've been going to. We've only spoken once, but I'm completely smitten! It's ridiculous! From the first day I started going there, I was all distracted and told my friend I thought he was cute. It's so weird, because her and I have both agreed he is so not my type! He's apparently younger than me, which is not something I've ever been okay with. He's kind of a dork, but he's so cute to me. There's something about him that makes it impossible not to melt every time he looks at me; and it makes no sense! I have a crush like a 12-year-old! Well, anyway I found out he's been with the same girl for years. He loves her. Of course he does. My friend has convinced me that he smiles and stares and mildly flirts with me; which I thought too. But once again all my hopes came crashing down. He's just a nice kid, it ends there. I got excited...and look what happened. Even though I know he's untouchable, I still can't help but smile back. I suppose I'll have to settle for that.
This entry is a perfect example of my mindflow today. All over the place, up and down. I've got to get out of this rut I'm stuck in. Something's got to change. I've got to change.
