Lost

Wow, I have been the worst blogger, EVER, lately! I apologize. I am STILL waiting for Trevor's birthday pictures. I guess I have to realize that people are busy, and just because it's the most important thing to ME, it's not to them. So I'm waiting; rather impatiently, might I add. I haven't been in the best place mentally, lately, and this post will probably be very incoherent and full of rambling, so bear with me.

I don't know when this will end! I CANNOT spend the rest of my life going through bouts of sadness, despair, and utter terror at everyday life. For a few months now I had been doing well; Trevor's party was AMAZING! I felt strong; like healing had finally begun and maybe this overwhelming, unbearable grief was finally withering away. HA! What was I thinking? And it has been over 5 years now...5 YEARS! What the hell is wrong with me? My best friend told me today that she thinks I am bi-polar, or have manic depression. Maybe she's right. I have had your basic normal-grade depression even since I was 15 or so, so maybe losing my son really sent me over the edge. I'll admit I haven't been taking my medication, Zoloft, but I have had mostly good weeks and months since I've stopped taking it. So I don't know what to think! I think maybe what I actually have is PTSD. A lot of women who have lost children, it is my understanding, suffer from PTSD. And if it's been 5 years, there has to be an underlying mental defect here, right? I mean, I'm MISERABLE. No one wants to be around me, even my own family. I feel like a burden to EVERYONE. My best friend keeps telling me, and I suppose she's right, that no one can ever love someone like this. And it's true, I guess.

On a similar note, I have given up, officially, on relying on ever getting married. And I still want babies. So to me, it seems logical, since I'm about to come into some money, to have a baby on my own. No, I don't mean go out, sleep with men until I get pregnant and ask for a child support check. I was thinking, about a year from now I will start looking into getting a sperm donation and trying artificial insemination. And every single person in my life who I've mentioned this to, basically told me I wouldn't be a good mother, and that having a baby like that is the dumbest idea they've ever heard. I suppose SOME of them used nicer words, but that's what they all ultimately meant by their answers. This is not something I have barely thought about or taken lightly. This is something I am dead serious about. Maybe I AM crazy, but why? I look at it this way: maybe no one WILL ever love me. Maybe I won't ever get married! And I am CERTAINLY NOT going to give up on ever having children, just because I am supposed to wait for a man to decide that I'm worthy of being a wife and mother. That's not fair; and technology allows me to have other options. So why can't I use those options? Please, correct me if I'm wrong. I just want to hear from someone who knows the pain of losing a child; who has these mothering instincts and no place to use them. Everyone's argument has been, "you're only 24, you have time." Maybe. But I was pregnant at 18, and delivered a child at 19, remember? So my brain has been in mothering mode SINCE then. So, I may be 24, but to me I've been ready for a child for 5 years. I have been yearning to hold a healthy baby in my arms for 5 YEARS. I have been ready to nurse, change diapers, instill values, and all the million other things a mother does...for 5 YEARS. So to me, waiting until I'm 25, trying for probably a year or so, and then waiting 9 months for the baby is NOT that crazy of an idea. And as far as me being mentally disturbed goes...well, I'd be far LESS mentally disturbed if I had a living, breathing child to take home, to nurture, to MOTHER. There will ALWAYS be a hole in my heart for Trevor; I know this. But why does that mean I can't have another child? I will be financially stable, and I've been ready, like I said, for 5 YEARS! Also, did I mention, the people who keep telling me it's a terrible idea are people who were married young, had children young or don't want kids, and know NOTHING about having to wait for a baby! And ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about losing your only child. It's just hard for me to trust the opinion of someone who was given everything in life, and still has the audacity to complain about it, or tell me I'M crazy, for wanting what they accidentally got and didn't want.

Regardless of all else in this post, I am making two appointments this week: one with a mental health professional, and another with an OB-GYN to discuss my childbearing options. I won't make any rash decisions; I suppose. But I am serious about this and I would like to know if anyone has a VALID reason why I should consider otherwise?

Downhill Spiral

I'm starting to lose my mind.  My anxiety is really coming to its peak.  I have suffered from depression pretty much since I lost Trevor...that's a permanent thing; I can deal with that.  Last summer, after receiving 2 out of 3 parts of the Gardasil vaccine (DON'T GET IT!), I was hospitalized with a rapid heart rate and a severe panic attack.  My heart still pounds out of my chest, EVERY DAY...but you know, why would my doctor pay attention to something like that?  This whole weekend I had a muscle spasm/twitch going on in my left thumb, which is still not completely gone, but they ignore that, too.  I wake up every single day shaking like a leaf, and it almost NEVER goes away.

People keep telling me this is just anxiety.  I really hope so.  I have, on multiple occasions, convinced myself I was dying.  I suddenly, again, have this HORRIBLE fear of being alone.  I was like this long before I was even out of the 8th grade, so it really never had anything to do with the loss of my little Angel.  I had completely gotten over it, though.  I moved into my own apartment a year ago!  I had never again, until these past few days, had a worry in the world about being alone.  In fact, I went through a phase recently where I just wanted everyone out of my face.  I WANTED to be alone.  I am only even blogging right now because my best friend (who has been babysitting me like an infant this past week, bless her heart) told me to wait half an hour before I can come over her house.  I've been alone since around 1:30 this afternoon, and it's almost 6:00PM.  I don't know why, but when she told me to wait, and I hung up the phone and cried my eyes out.  WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME???  I have been off my depression meds for months now (a choice I made myself)...and I've had the shaking and pounding heart, but not this bad; and none of this fear-of-dying/being-alone stuff.  I have even had the hardest time typing this because I'm trembling like it's 30 below in my apartment (and I'm not cold).  I was originally taking Celexa, for years, and I went to my doctor when I started feeling a little more down than usual, asking her to up my dose.  I LOVED Celexa, I just needed a little more.  Instead she switched me to Welbutrin (which made me crazy), then Zoloft.  I hated the Zoloft too, and figured my doctor would never help me, so I just stopped taking anything at all.  Maybe it was a bad idea.  I know it was...but I just want Celexa back!

I really hope, as well, that all of these physical symptoms are only because of my depression/anxiety, and that once I straighten that out, I will be fine again.  I am WAY too overweight, and I really want to get healthy and lose weight.  If I even try to walk around my apartment, I feel overworked like I'm going to drop dead!  March for Babies was 3.2 miles, and I thought I would die!  I can't even exercise.  Ugh.  I am SO TIRED, ALL THE TIME.  I sleep until around 11:30 every day, and I'm EXHAUSTED by dinner time.  I don't even have a job, and I'm wiped out.  I want to be normal, that's all.  I am leaving in 9 days for what is supposed to be the most incredible vacation weekend of my life.  I've waited 12 years for this (literally)!  I'm not even excited; I'm petrified.  What if I'm too tired/weak to do anything and ruin it for my friends?  What if I have a panic attack?

I hate living like this.  Lord, please help me.