Mothers Day

I don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow.  I have never been able to even be considered on Mothers Day, and now that my story is out in the open, I've had mixed feelings.  My friends and family have all made it very clear to me that I AM a mother; and I truly appreciate their kind words and encouragement.  But somehow, it's still bittersweet.  I guess that's just the way it is.

On the other hand, I had the sweetest conversation with my little (well, 18-year-old, 6-foot, "little") brother last night about Trevor.  First of all, every time he speaks of him, he calls him "Trevor Michael" instead of just Trevor or Trev, like I do.  Michael was our Dad's name; he passed away in 2006, so maybe that's why Peyton (my brother) does that.  Either way, I LOVE it...it sounds so adorable coming from little bro's mouth.  He said to me "I can't imagine what you must have gone through.  To know your little baby and then have to let him go."  He also said he'd love to be an uncle; that it would have been "so cool," and he would have "taken him everywhere with me".  My family's never been big on talking about things like this (almost every other woman on my mom's side has had a miscarriage or stillbirth, and no one ever talks about it); so it's really great that my brother, the one who could never understand, wants to talk about Trevor.

Lastly, I found this video on a fellow Baby Lost Mama's blog, and decided to share it with you all.  I'm warning you: break out the tissues!  But it helped me a lot to ease my troubled heart.  (Go down to the bottom of the page first, and pause my playlist.) Happy Mothers Day, everyone!

Downhill Spiral

I'm starting to lose my mind.  My anxiety is really coming to its peak.  I have suffered from depression pretty much since I lost Trevor...that's a permanent thing; I can deal with that.  Last summer, after receiving 2 out of 3 parts of the Gardasil vaccine (DON'T GET IT!), I was hospitalized with a rapid heart rate and a severe panic attack.  My heart still pounds out of my chest, EVERY DAY...but you know, why would my doctor pay attention to something like that?  This whole weekend I had a muscle spasm/twitch going on in my left thumb, which is still not completely gone, but they ignore that, too.  I wake up every single day shaking like a leaf, and it almost NEVER goes away.

People keep telling me this is just anxiety.  I really hope so.  I have, on multiple occasions, convinced myself I was dying.  I suddenly, again, have this HORRIBLE fear of being alone.  I was like this long before I was even out of the 8th grade, so it really never had anything to do with the loss of my little Angel.  I had completely gotten over it, though.  I moved into my own apartment a year ago!  I had never again, until these past few days, had a worry in the world about being alone.  In fact, I went through a phase recently where I just wanted everyone out of my face.  I WANTED to be alone.  I am only even blogging right now because my best friend (who has been babysitting me like an infant this past week, bless her heart) told me to wait half an hour before I can come over her house.  I've been alone since around 1:30 this afternoon, and it's almost 6:00PM.  I don't know why, but when she told me to wait, and I hung up the phone and cried my eyes out.  WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME???  I have been off my depression meds for months now (a choice I made myself)...and I've had the shaking and pounding heart, but not this bad; and none of this fear-of-dying/being-alone stuff.  I have even had the hardest time typing this because I'm trembling like it's 30 below in my apartment (and I'm not cold).  I was originally taking Celexa, for years, and I went to my doctor when I started feeling a little more down than usual, asking her to up my dose.  I LOVED Celexa, I just needed a little more.  Instead she switched me to Welbutrin (which made me crazy), then Zoloft.  I hated the Zoloft too, and figured my doctor would never help me, so I just stopped taking anything at all.  Maybe it was a bad idea.  I know it was...but I just want Celexa back!

I really hope, as well, that all of these physical symptoms are only because of my depression/anxiety, and that once I straighten that out, I will be fine again.  I am WAY too overweight, and I really want to get healthy and lose weight.  If I even try to walk around my apartment, I feel overworked like I'm going to drop dead!  March for Babies was 3.2 miles, and I thought I would die!  I can't even exercise.  Ugh.  I am SO TIRED, ALL THE TIME.  I sleep until around 11:30 every day, and I'm EXHAUSTED by dinner time.  I don't even have a job, and I'm wiped out.  I want to be normal, that's all.  I am leaving in 9 days for what is supposed to be the most incredible vacation weekend of my life.  I've waited 12 years for this (literally)!  I'm not even excited; I'm petrified.  What if I'm too tired/weak to do anything and ruin it for my friends?  What if I have a panic attack?

I hate living like this.  Lord, please help me.

March for Babies, Misery, and Ash

Sunday was the March for Babies!  I was sad to have to leave WAY too early, but I walked for my little man, and I suppose that's all that matters.  My dear new friend, Jaclyn, is the one who started our team "No Life Too Small" in honor of her son, Zachary.  She had shirts made (WHICH I LOVE!), and we looked fabulous in them!  (I'm wearing mine now).  She also did another thing, which I don't even know if she realizes, meant the WORLD to me.  She had made a logo for the team with her son's footprints/name on it, and she made me a pin with the same logo, replacing Zachary's name with my Trevor Michael!  I had been completely upset with the fact that I am a procrastinator and hadn't gotten anything to wear in memory of my son.  But Jaclyn saved the day!  I now have the pin hanging in my car, and it reminds me every day that I am not alone; and that my son is being remembered.  I was really upset at one point about having to duck out early, and then missing church later on that night.  But then I remember that the March was still a success, regardless; because Zachary and Trevor's little lives were honored in such a big way.

On another note, I'm not so sure I'm doing well these days.  You would think, after being able to be open about my son, the wound would heal a little.  I feel like it's getting worse.  I'm also starting to dwell on things from my past that haven't mattered all that much before.  I have been thinking a lot about "Nicholas" (Trevor's father).  But about the bad things.  I try to give him credit, but the not-so-good things are starting to resurface in my mind.  Also, I've been thinking about another ex-boyfriend of mine, Ash.  Quick background: I was 15, he was 19...I thought he was the love of my life; I was the love of his.  The story's a bit complicated, but he was no longer in my life after 2001.  Then, in 2006, while Nicholas and I have been trying to recover from the loss of our Angel...Ash comes crashing back into my world like lighting.  He tells me we should have never been apart.  He was the one who made me realize that Nicholas was no good for me.  He honors my son's memory more than Nicholas ever will.  It was a dream come true to have him back in my life.  He would marry me, in an instant, no questions asked.  But something doesn't feel right.  I can't get out of my head that he's too good to be true; so I tell him, we can't do this.  He BEGS and PLEADS and tells me I'm the only one he'll ever love.  He's PERFECT.  But for some reason, I can't do it.  So here I am, almost 10 years after originally meeting him, and I'm alone, and miserable.  He only lives 45 minutes away.  He wants to get married; he wants to have babies.  He's everything I could ever ask for.  But still, I can't do it.  AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.  I miss him.  The day before March for Babies was his 28th birthday.  It made me wonder what we could be now.  I could be "decorated in babies" (as someone cute once said) ;-), I could be throwing him a huge birthday party.  I could be his wife.  Still, something holds me back.  WHY?  I don't know, either.  It's almost as if I have a hard time believing he's real, and subconsciously, I'd spend our entire life together worrying that one day, he'll just vanish; and again, I'll be alone.  I know it makes no sense, but it's what inside my head.  I was going to send him a birthday wish e-mail, but I'm not sure I'm ready to open up that can of worms.  So I'll say it here.

"Happy birthday, Ashman.  Hope you've got everything you've wished for.  I'm sorry."

Please Pray for Kayleigh!

I'm sure many of you are followers of miracle baby Kayleigh's blog. I have been following her since just about my first day of blogging. She has truly been an inspiration to many of us! Sadly, little Kayleigh has taken a turn for the worse in the past few days. She is showing signs of a serious and possibly life-threatening or irreversible neurological problem. I just wanted to share this little miracle's amazing story, and ask you all who believe in prayer to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pray for Kayleigh! Your prayers and hopes have always helped in the past, so please keep this little miracle in your hearts! (Click on her name above to read her story).

Coming Clean

I did it!  I finally told my mother about Trevor.  It was honestly so much easier than all the pain I've put myself through over the years wondering how it would go.  I wasn't sure I was ready, but it just came out.  I was going up to my Mom's on friday night to pick up my brother for our usual friday night festivities.  I always practice how I would tell her on the drive up, but never expect that I'll have the courage to tell her.  I saw her, and I just couldn't take it anymore.  I shut her bedroom door and said "I've got to tell you a story."  I thought I could remain strong, but I started crying before I even spoke.  She looked concerned, and I said, "It's okay, I just have to tell you something.  When I was 19, me and 'Nicholas' had a baby, and he died."  Not the most eloquently worded thing in the world, but at least I got it out.

I think about it now and there's a million things I would have said differently, but such is life.  I told her we named him Trevor Michael; and that he was born alive but he was just too little to survive.  I told her that Trevor is what made me want to start going to church and finding God.  I told her that's why I am doing the March for Babies (which she then sponsored me for...I have reached my fundraising goal!)  I told her she can tell anyone she wants, and that I am just so tired of hiding him.  I showed her Trevor's Name In The Sand, and she thought it was beautiful.  She cried, and I'm sure she's grieving now, too.  But I am so relieved to be able to be honest with her.  She told me (though I already knew) that she also lost a baby, and she was only 19, too.  I never thought my own mother would be the one who could relate to me.  She's glad she has a grandson, and she's only sorry that I felt I couldn't tell her.  She said that she can't believe I've been going through this alone for so long.  Neither can I.  She also said if she ever sees "Nicholas" again, she's going to make him wish he'd never gotten out of bed that day.  I don't blame her.

I'm exhausted; and I've got a long day tomorrow.  But I had to share the news!  I am so relieved, and I want to thank everyone who has encouraged me to get this far.  I don't know what I would have done without your kind words and advice.  I'll update again soon!

Peace, Love and Me!

I'm having a great day today!  I have thought about my little Angel, all day, and smiled!  I'm trying to cherish the 22 minutes I did get to spend on this Earth with my baby boy.  I have basically been a hermit lately.  I've been getting up around 3pm, staying home all day until my best friend gets out of work; and then going to her house and crying with her.  I'm sure she's getting tired of it; as is her husband.  I have been doing nothing.  I haven't gone out, cleaned my apartment, cooked a meal, or even really lived in quite a long time.  So today, I woke up around 11:30 (which is good for me), got dressed, went and got myself lunch (which I ate at the Sea Wall, beautiful!), went grocery shopping; and I'm going to cook a chicken/asparagus casserole to have my sister and her boyfriend over for dinner.

I know these things sound common and simple, but for me, it was a great big step in the right direction!  I had no fear of being alone.  I accomplished daily tasks without having a meltdown.  I saw a little boy with his young mother in the market, and was able to speak to them and compliment her on how beautiful her son is, without being in a fit of jealous rage!  I know these days only come every once in a while, but I like them.  I feel like myself again, at least for now.

On another note, spring is here! I actually took this picture two years ago with a crappy digital camera.  It was the day my cousin's daughter (my goddaughter), Helena, was born; and on my way out to visit them in the hospital, I saw this single, beautiful lily in (then my house) my mother's front yard.  I took a picture, and it came out amazing!  I can't use it for this week's spring/Easter theme at I Heart Faces, because, well, there's no face in it.  But I like it, so I wanted to share!

P.S. - I need sponsors for March for Babies!!  The walk is in 12 days!  If you have even an extra $10 to spare, I would truly appreciate your donation.  You can sponsor me online on My Personal Page; or send me cash or check; for which, you can email me at Jacquelyn925@aol.com for the address.

I hope everyone is enjoying spring, wherever you are!

Conflict and Progress

So, I almost told my Mom yesterday.  (If you're confused, read "My Story, My Son; How My Angel Earned His Wings" -----> to the right.)  It was Easter, and I practiced all the way up to my Mom's house.  What I would say, how I would help her understand.  I had it all figured out.  My brother would be upstairs playing video games, and she'd be in the kitchen, making Easter dinner.  We'd have some time alone and I could tell her all about the little light in my life I call Trevor.  I want her to love him like I do.  I want her to be able to know she has a little grandson up there with my Dad in Heaven; and that they're having the time of their (after-)lives.  I want her to know, that even though she had a stillborn daughter before even I was born, that she's not alone.

I got there, and chaos it was.  My mom's upstairs, yelling down, asking my brother what the hell he did with all her laundry.  Bro's in the living room, running back and forth with the dog like a crazy person.  My uncle is there, making some food in the kitchen, singing a tune.  It just didn't seem like a good time.  So I think, I'll tell my Mom and brother when we're visiting my Dad's grave.  We go to my Grandma's house, and on the way back, stop at the cemetery.  We were planting flowers, but the wind chill is like negative 40,000 degrees for some reason, and we're all too busy swearing at how cold it is, and trying to dig up dirt to plant tulips, that it's just not do-able (welcome to my family, by the way).  I never ended up telling Grandma about my little Angel.  There just wasn't a good time.  But I realized later, there never really is a "good time" to have a conversation like that.  I was thinking of writing her a letter about it, and just giving it to her and not being there when she reads it.  I know that's the chicken way of doing it; but I've been keeping it from her from so long I almost don't know if I want to tell her.  I remember reading on a blog (don't remember where), how sad this mother felt because her mother, Angel's grandmother, was also grieving for her child's loss.  I don't want my mother to even know I'm suffering like that.  I don't want her to see the pain in my eyes; and she will.  I know what it's like to see your child in pain, and not be able to help them.  I don't want her to have to grieve another person, her grandson; her only grandchild so far.  I  AM SO TIRED OF LYING!  I AM TIRED OF HIDING MY SON FROM THE WORLD!  But then again, if I tell my family, I have to go through it all over again.  For the third time.  I am making progress, and I feel like I'll end up taking a step back.  I am so conflicted.

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On a sort of brighter note, I have made more progress.  Just a little thing, but I feel great about it.  My friend (who has two children) and I were in the drugstore on Saturday, and she was trying to get some last-minute things for her kids for Easter.  She looked at me, and knew I was upset because I have no little boy to buy an Easter present for.  She said something that changed my views completely.  She said, "You know, you do have a son.  He might not be here, but you do have him.  If you want to get him something for Easter, you should get him something for Easter."  So I did.  He would be four-and-almost-a-half right now.  I was thinking, he's a little old for stuffed bunnies, but I think these are cute.  I said, "A four-year-old boy would think this was stupid."  She said, "Not a sweet one."  Trevor would certainly be a "sweet one"!  So I got a baby blue stuffed bunny with a plastic container full of jelly beans, that says "Happy Easter".  

I wrote the date and occasion (in case some day it's not obvious what holiday the bunny was for, lol) on the back of the tag.  From now on, I am going to get Trev something for holidays.  I DO HAVE A SON.  I AM A MOTHER.  We just have a different kind of mother-son relationship than others.