Inspired

So it just hit me, for the nine-thousandth time, again...how amazing the unspoken bond between those who have lost a child, is. First of all, I have never felt my son's life so honored as it has been through my fellow Baby Lost blog Moms and Dads! I mean, some of you have done the simplest things that have touched my heart forever. You've written Trevor's name in the sand, you've made him Angel wings, you've shared his story all around the world! Then there are those of you I've met in person. You have taught me so much about my grief; how it is unpredictable and sometimes unbearable...but I know I'll always pull through, because you have.

On this note, I feel compelled to share this story: Last sunday was the third anniversary of when my Daddy passed away (July 26th). We all met as a family at the cemetery, and as I was walking towards my father's headstone, I saw a couple kneeling on the ground in front of a beautiful black and gold stone. I noticed there were quite a lot of little toys and fire truck trinkets and child-themed balloons. I realized then, that this was a couple mourning the loss of their precious son. I was afraid of being rude, but I had to say something. I walked over and apologized for interrupting, but I told them that I also had a precious baby boy who passed away, and that I was sorry for their loss. Their son lived only three weeks and went to be with the Angels just months before my Trevor was born. By the end of the conversation, his mother and I were hugging and crying. But it felt good, in a way. They agreed that they felt better, in a bittersweet way, having run into me. This encounter was a wonderful work of God, was the general outlook on the situation. And it was.

Samuel Shaun Beausoleil was born on July 20, 2004 and went to the Angels on August 18th of that same year. Please keep him and his wonderful, loving parents in your thoughts and prayers as they go through that "dreaded month" with birthdays/anniversaries that we all have to face every year.

Thank you to all who have honored my son's life and legacy. God bless you all and I pray every day for you and your precious Angels. It's the least I can do. Don't forget to pray for Samuel and the Beausoleils!

Stellan

Everyone, please pray for MckMama's baby boy Stellan!

He was born a miracle, and has been having trouble the past few days staying well.  He and his family desperately need your prayers!  So please, keep in in your thoughts.

Quick Update & Random New Pic :-)

Me at the 311 concert

(the first one, LOL)

I don't have much time today, but I felt like I needed to blog a bit.    Subconsciously, I haven't been blogging on purpose, because my last post was the 22nd post I've written.  Every time I logged in, it would tell me, 22 posts.  I figured it was Trevor telling Mama he likes the new blog layout! ;-)

I guess you could say things are going a little better than my past few blogs.  Not that the pain or hurt or concern is gone; but maybe...just maybe...I'm learning to cope?  Maybe this is the point at which it gets easier?  (If, that is, that point exists at all.)  Then I feel guilty, though, for not being depressed all the time.  I feel guilty for going an hour without missing my son so much it hurts.  I feel guilty for not crying when I think that he's not here; for smiling when I realize he's in his own little mansion in Heaven.  I know that's what Trev would want me to do; smile.  But somehow I feel like I'm losing the bond I've had with him for so long now.  I feel like he's no longer the first thing I think about when I wake up; or the last thing before I fall asleep.  He should be!  Right?  I also haven't even thought about my recent miscarriage.  I did write to Austin, letting him know what happened because it's his right to know.  But I feel guilty for almost being "over it".  I mean, I'm certainly not okay with it, and there are days where I go "Okay, so today I should be 9 weeks pregnant, and instead I'm drinking margaritas," but it's not eating me alive like I think it should be.

Overall, I think it's just been so long since I was happy, or at least okay, that it doesn't feel right.  Maybe I'm just having a good week...and I'm sure there will be bad weeks to come.  But maybe my life really will turn around this time.  Maybe I will learn to remember my son and not cry all the time.  Maybe I will, in a way, "move on" (to the best of a Baby Lost Mama's ability, anyway).  I'm just not sure I want to, or that I'm ready to, yet.

With You In Your Dreams

First of all, I can't believe that Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcet and Michael Jackson have all passed away!  Within two days!  I know many of you don't believe in "signs" or anything like that; but this is, to me, an omen of sorts.  For one thing, I now can't stop thinking of "Nicholas" (Trevor's father)!  He is hands-down the biggest Michael Jackson fan I have ever known!  He must be devastated.  For those of you who may know him; or had known us together, you realize what a big deal this would have been right now.  Granted, my 4-and-a-half-year-old son should also have been here, and old enough to know that Daddy's idol is now in Heaven.  But I suppose Trevor is aware, now isn't he?  He gets to meet MJ before Daddy does! 

Speaking of Daddy (and I haven't told anyone this), I had a dream about Nicholas the other night:  He shows up at my apartment with a dozen of yellow (a.k.a. "I'm sorry") roses.  He is crying his eyes out, and says, "Can I talk to you?".  I am smitten enough, in this dream, to let him in and offer him a soda.  He says, "I want to visit our son's grave; and I can't...won't, do it without you."  (For those of you who don't know, I am still looking for the location, as I was on pain meds and completely paid no attention (on purpose) to where my son was buried, out of state)  Of course, I am thrilled, because I've been waiting so long for this!  He also says, "...and, I want to maybe work things out between us?"  Now, in real life, I'm thinking, are you crazy? after everything you've said and done, you *******!  you want me to be with you again?  But in my dream, I say, "'Nicholas', I've waited two years for you to ask me that."  Long story short, we go to visit Trevor; once a week, from there on in.  We stay together, get engaged and move into a home together.  We live the life I thought we'd have had; minus my precious Angel, of course.  But I feel sometimes like even with losing Trevor, we still could have had a good life together.  Those are the moments I question my decision to not have him in my life anymore.  But then I think, God didn't want Nicholas in my life; so I will trust that He has given me the strength to stay away.

On that note, I miss church!  (Five months ago, by the way, I never thought I'd be saying that.)  But one thing or another has prevented me from making it to church lately.  I've only been there once every other week or so for the past few weeks, and I don't like it!  As you can see from my last post, I have a lot of people to pray for!  Including, now...a very dear friend of mine.  I found out this week that one of my good friends is also a Baby Lost Mama!  I never knew.  She and her then-husband, J, had a little girl Born With Wings at 17 weeks.  Her name was Maribella Antonelli (beautiful, right?), and I'm sure she is wonderful and thriving in Heaven.  But her Mama isn't doing so well.  This is a person who has been there for me through thick and thin.  Someone who I should have known this about a long time ago!  Someone who is now married to someone else, now with living children; who has suffered in silence all these years.  For the first time, I'm on the other side.  There are quite similar situations between Trevor's and Bella's stories.  I'm hearing my dear friend pour her heart out; and I'm sad.  Because for once, I'm not the Mama who's grieving her baby.  I'm the shoulder to lean on.  I'm glad to be this.  I just wish I knew how to help my friend like so many others have helped me.  At the same time, it's so weird.  I feel like I'm listening to myself tell the story of my son.  But it's not Trevor, it's another precious little life lost.  I'm not the only one!  I've know I'm not alone, because of you other blog Moms, and friends I've met because of Trevor.  But now this is someone I've known all along; someone I didn't meet just because we had child loss in common.  This is someone who's already a friend, and is now joining me in grief; over the loss of her daughter.  So please, in case I don't find enough time to properly do so, pray for Maribella's Mama.

I guess that's all for tonight.  I hope everyone has a great weekend!  Hopefully the sun will shine around here some day.  :-)  God Bless!

A Prayer List

I have not lost my faith.  Not for a second.  (See last post).  Today, I ask that you pray for me, that I keep my faith.  I also would like to tell you about the people in my life who mean a great deal to me and need our prayers.

Evan - my dear friend who has gotten himself into quite a situation.  He really is a good boy; he's just lost his way.  Today, he is first and foremost on my mind.  We haven't known each other all that long, but he gets me...and I get him.  I only hope we'll help each other.  So please, pray for Evan; that he finds his way and learns from his mistakes.  Please pray also, that we always remain friends, and if anything, grow closer.

Ashley - my uncle's girlfriend who needs to get the h*** out of here and find someone worth her time.  My uncle is NOT worth her time.  They are about 40 years apart in age, and she is MY AGE!  I don't know what she sees in him, honestly.  He's a mean hearted, horrible person, honestly.  She is a beautiful, intelligent, sweet girl who needs someone her age who appreciates her for who she is.  Not just parade her around like some trophy.  He RUINED her birthday yesterday, and she deserves so much better.  She hits close to home for me because I know what it's like to be completely enamored with a man who treats you like dirt; like he owns you.  Yet every night you cry yourself to sleep because even if you don't know why, you love him...with every fiber of your being.  Please pray for Ashley; that she realizes how wonderful she is and lets him go.  That she finds the man of her dreams and lives happily ever after; she deserves it.

Jaclyn - my fellow Baby Lost Mama, whose son Zachary passed away after 18 incredibly precious and inspirational days of life.  Pray that she has another baby.  Pray that she remains as wonderful as she always was.  Pray that she keeps her faith, in spite of all she's been through.  And most of all, thank her for helping me to get through the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life.

Mom (Carrie) - my mother, who is absolutely the best friend I've ever had.  She has lost so much in life, and always gets through it with a smile.  She never stopped loving my father when they divorced; and as soon as they started to think about being together again...my father passed away.  No one took it as hard as my mother did.  She spends every day of her life kissing my uncle's a** and taking care of my father's mother.  That family has been horrible to her; and she wakes up every day and takes care of everything they need...again, with a smile.  She lost a baby at 19, just like I did.  A stillborn daughter who she never spoke of until I talked about Trevor.  She has raised my sister, my brother and I to be strong and elegant.  (We try!)  She is the best role model I could ask for.  I never once wished my mother was anything else (as many teenagers do).  I only thanked God every day for letting me know her.  Please pray that she always knows how much she's accomplished in life.  Pray that she knows how much her children love her and value everything she's done for us.  Pray that she sees how amazing she is; and knows she's worth so much more than what she's been given.

Erica - my cousin, who's pregnant with her second child and currently getting evicted from her one-bedroom apartment.  Her husband is a useless, cold-hearted man who doesn't give her any help.  She's had multiple miscarriages and finally had her miracle daughter 3 years ago.  This newest pregnancy, while a welcomed miracle, was unexpected.  She wants to be excited, but she is worried about how she will provide for a second child, when the child she has is sleeping in the same room as them; and she's losing her apartment, anyway.  She was fired 2 weeks after getting pregnant and has been unable to find work.  Her husband got a pay cut, as well as a cut in hours and works an hour away from home.  No one they know can really help, me included.  Please pray that she has a happy, healthy baby.  Please pray that they find a place to live for their family.  Pray then, that she has the strength to carry on.

There are many other people who I would love you to pray for.  In brief, I will give you their names, in no particular order:

Sarah W

Peyton

Grandma D

Grandma R

Kaleigh

Jon

Austin

Josh

Audrey

Sarah S

Taylor

Demitry

Ash

Uncle Pete

Kelly

Auntie Pam

Uncle Willie

Jessica

Brandon

Stephen

Cory

Shepherd

Zac

Chris

Courtney

Mike

Charlie

Isaac

Nikki

Natalie

Ezra

Penelope

River

Viggo

Everett

Monroe

Steve

Jordan

Ronnie

James

Bill

Helena D

Helena J

Elijah

Aunt Rose

Thank you in advance for your thoughts and prayers.

Another Loss

So...in order to tell you what happened yesterday, first I'll have to tell you all what I've failed to tell you for the past few weeks.  I did the stupid, sinful, embarrasing thing in Tulsa and had unprotected sex with Austin (see my last post, "I HEART TULSA").  Five days later, I missed my period.  A week after that, I was nauseous and vomited for 5 days straight.  I felt the implantation pulling, "bungee cord" feeling.   Most of all my period NEVER came.  A few days ago, I started seeing brownish-pink spotting.  This is usually what is called "implantation bleeding".  It's also an early sign of miscarriage.  Yesterday would have been 4 weeks 4 days pregnant.

To be honest, I am so swallowed with the loss of my son that I was EXCITED to be pregnant!  I WANTED this baby.  Even if Austin wanted nothing to do with me, in my mind this was the best mistake I'd ever made.  Needless to say, yesterday morning I was certainly not pregnant anymore.  This may be graphic, but I've been getting blood clots the size of quarters, and I feel as if someone is trying to rip my insides out of me.  I was DEVASTATED.  I spent the day with my best friend, Kaleigh, balling my eyes out and screaming at the sky.  I was so lost.  Did I really just lose ANOTHER child?  Now, clearly a 4 week 4 day embryo the size of a pin head is nothing in comparison to losing my 1lb 6oz, living son.  But I was pregnant two days ago, nonetheless, and I'm not pregnant anymore.  And there isn't a baby, either.  So twice, I was pregnant, and now, TWICE I've lost a baby.

In spite of this, I am trying to remain strong.  If ever I've realized that God is in control, it's now.  I know that He will not harm me; only teach me lessons.  I have faith that one day I will have beautiful, healthy babies and a husband who loves me with all of his heart.  I've learned that I need to at least TRY to be patient with His plan; and until I see it, do my best to serve our Lord in my every day life.  If never before, I am praying every chance that I get.  I know that God will not give me a child until I love myself enough to be a good mother.  I know that all the things that have happened to me in my life, have all been part of His plan, in one way or another.  I know that I have learned something from my losses; and from the losses of others, too.  I know that now Trevor has a sibling to play with in his mansion in Heaven!  I don't know how something like a miscarriage has brought me CLOSER to God...but it has.  Maybe He's trying to show me that even though this has happened, He is never far from me.  If I can have faith now, I will never lose my faith again.

Might I add, I have never in my life been more grateful for my best friend.  I've been a terrible friend to her lately.  A jealous, spiteful BITCH, in plain English.  Yet, she hasn't left me for a moment.  She has been there through EVERYTHING I've been going through.  I only hope that someday I can be for her what she has been for me.  Kay, if you read this I love you, I'm sorry, and thank you.

I <3 TULSA!

Hello, all!  It's been quite a while since I've posted last.  I've been really busy, and missing out on a lot of things I normally would never stray from...like this blog, for example.  I'm doing a bit better than the last few times I wrote.  I started self-medicating again, on Zoloft (which I see as fine, because my doctor has been under the assumption I've been taking it all along).  I'm feeling much better!  I have also switched to 100% caffeine free beverages...even my coffee!  I guess it's the combination of the two, but my heart palpitations aren't one-tenth as bad as they were before.  My anxiety is still lurking in the shadows...I still have bad days...but I have not had one panic attack since tuesday, the 12th...and that was for damn good reason!

My best friend Kaleigh, her husband, Jon and I went on our vacation to Tulsa, Oklahoma last weekend.  It was GREAT!  We actually got stuck there an extra day (we were supposed to be home by noon on Sunday the 17th, and got home around 7pm on Monday the 18th!)...we slept through our 7am flight.  We were really stressed out about it at the time, but our extra day in Tulsa ended up being one of the best yet.  The very first night we were there, we got in, changed clothes and went out to explore Mayfest, and beyond.  Mayfest is a festival/concert series that is held every year in downtown Tulsa.  Our hotel overlooked the main stage, and we were perfectly centered for all of the weekends' festivities.  We had originally been going for the Hanson Members' Only Event (don't laugh, it was amazing), but it turned out the band had planned it around Mayfest so us fans would get to experience it.  Props to Isaac, Taylor and Zac!  Anyway...the first night we found ourselves at this small, hole-in-the-wall bar called Arnie's on the corner of 2nd and Elgin.  Jager shots were doubles, in a rocks glass for $2.  Beers were about $1.50.  I met an adorable guy with dark curly hair, blue eyes and a guitar.  His name is Austin (his middle name is Trevor!!!), and we're still keeping in touch.  He's thinking of coming to visit this summer, and I'll sure as hell be going back to Tulsa, myself.  I told him all about my son, and he was a wonderful, sweet person.  I wonder where things will go with him?  Only time will tell.

The Members' Only Event weekend consisted of one of the band's usual Walks (see Take The Walk for more information), which was a great success!  The shows were split into 3 sessions, one on Friday at 8pm, and two on Saturday at 3pm and 7pm.  We were lucky to get into the final show on Sat @ 7pm...and there are no words.  I'm sure you're reading this and laughing, but seriously...I bet you haven't heard a thing from Hanson since "MMMBop", have you?  Go down to my playlist and listen to "Never Let Go"...I bet you'll love it!  That's a rare song that they've almost never played; and Taylor, my favorite, played it as a solo during the show last weekend.  I've waited literally almost 10 years for that moment. (Also, my fellow Baby Lost Mamas need to look up "Lay Me Down" and "Broken Angel" by Hanson as well.  I promise it will be worth it.)   There were less than 100 people at our show...in a very small, intimate theater.  It was an amazing night for me, and I'm sure for many other Hanson fans.  Overall, I LOVED Tulsa, with or without Hanson...and I will definitely be back!

Here are some of the pics highlighting my Okie weekend!

Kaleigh and I on our first night in Tulsa

Kaleigh and her husband, Jon

Jon and I

The gang from Arnie's

Austin <3

The Oil Driller of Tulsa

Just SOME of the people at The Walk

Taylor Hanson

Isaac Hanson

Zac Hanson

Tulsa city skyline from the front of our hotel