Broken Angel

Fight for Preemies // Bloggers Unite

2010-09-13T18:11:00.000-04:00

It's been a while/Dear Trevor

2010-05-23T00:40:00.002-04:00

Hello, fellow bloggers! It's been quite some time since I've been able to write here. I don't know if it's my schedule, or my pessimism that has kept me away, but it's mostly over now. I have some exciting things coming in my life; the details of which I will share with you all in a few weeks. For now, I thought I'd write to all of you, and my son at the same time. Hope you are all doing well - I miss you!

Dear Trevor,

I caught 11:22 on the drive home tonight. You made me smile, as always. Did you know that you're exactly 5-and-a-half today? What a big, handsome boy you'd be! I'm sure you're up there in that mansion, having you're very own half-birthday with your little Angel friends! I think that your "cousin," Miles, can feel you here with us. He's only two, but I swear he knows you're there sometimes. That makes me smile, too. His sister - your other cousin, Emily, will be four tomorrow. I know you'll be there with me at the birthday party! (She helped me blow out your candles this year, remember?)

On another note, I want to thank you, Little Man. Thank you for being my Angel; my first baby, my little boy. Even though we can't be together right now, I thank God every single day for the time we had together. You are the one thing in my world that I love more than anything; the light of my life. You have taught me so much by only having come to me, no matter how short of a time you were here. I love you!

I know your birthday is not until November, but I've been thinking about your party. I think we're going to go with Nemo this year. He reminds me of you :-) I can't believe you're closer to six, than five. I'm sure you've grown up way too fast! I only hope that your Papa can keep up with you!

I'm sure you're looking down on me, and that you know all about the plans I have for my future. I hope that you're as excited as I am! I miss you, baby. I only wish I could kiss your precious face and run my fingers through your dark brown curls. Someday. Keep sending me your little signs, Trev...it's what keeps me going every day. Be a good little Angel, and Mama will be with you before you know it! I love you so so so so so much, Trevor Michael!

With my unconditional love, always,

Mama <3

LOVE

2010-02-15T03:26:00.004-05:00

Over the past few days, I learned a whole hell of a lot about love. Not that I didn't know anything about the subject; I have just recently been failing to see love for what it is. I have learned that love, as a concept doesn't have anything at all to do with romance. Sure, it's there in romantic relationships...but let's think about all the non-romance types of love. For one, the love that a parent has for their child, and vice versa. Though I spent only minutes with Trevor, I have never in my life before him, or after his birth felt love in the same way that I feel about my son. From the second I even knew he was in my womb, this little boy (though he wasn't even for sure a boy yet) was my world. "It's just me and you against the world, baby," I would tell him. It was, just me and him, against the world...it still is. Because of the few moments I spent with my son, the 24 years I've spent with my mother, and the 20 years I spent with my father, I can imagine exactly how Trevor feels about me. I imagine my Angel loves me a whole lot from Heaven. Even more than I could ever love him from little old Earth. And that's more than I would have ever imagined, before him. I wouldn't trade the love I feel for my son for anything in the entire world, and it is that love that keeps me alive every day.

Amongst this post about love, I absolutely must ask you all to pray for Eva. This young woman is less than a year younger than me, which blows my mind. She is far more mature than I'll be even 5 years from now. Please take the time to visit her blog and watch her farewell video. I will warn you, it will break your heart. On the other hand, Eva taught me a lot of very important lessons, in less than 7 minutes. She is beautiful, smart, and one of the bravest women I have ever heard of. I learned a lot of things from Eva's story, but the thing that strikes me the most is something that should be so obvious. That is, love is simple. Really, it is! It takes next to nothing to love another; or at least, it should take next to nothing. I have found that in my life, love has become something I resent, or am jealous of. Eva made me realize how selfish I've been. I've got plenty of love from plenty of people, and that really is all that matters.

Another kind of love, the greatest of all, I have to mention. That is the Love of God for his children. I thank God every single day for the love that He gives me. Though this is a love we can never understand, we can understand at least that it is greater than any love we will ever experience here on Earth. No matter what anyone else has to say, God will always love me. No matter what. So thank you, Lord, for loving me.

I'm going to try to love more; and more often. I'm going to post a Bible verse that I'm sure you've all read before. My best friend and I had a pretty bad falling out last weekend, and after all was said and done, she posted this as her status. I have always loved this verse, but over the past few years I have grown into jealous and bitter and hateful person; someone I've never wanted to be. It took only God's Word to touch my heart and make me look at life from a different angle. This time, when you read these words, take the time to think about what they really say...

If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes the imperfect disappears.

1 Corinthians 13:3-10 (NIV)

I Heart Faces: "Texture"

2010-01-25T02:35:00.002-05:00

This week's photo is one I took of Taylor Hanson in Tulsa last May. I may have gone about this whole "texture" idea differently from everyone else, but it's there nonetheless. I really didn't have to do much with my photo program to represent texture in this photo. It's got a ton of it's own textures: his hair, the leather jacket, the sunglass lenses, the paint and metal on the sign behind him, his necklace charm, etc. I did do a little layering and "antiquing", but otherwise this was as is. Hope you enjoy :-)

7 Years

2010-01-18T16:23:00.003-05:00

Seven years.

That's how long it's been since Trevor's father, "Nicholas", and I started "officially" dating. Today would be our 7 YEAR anniversary. I was 17 years old, now I'm 24. Obviously, a lot has changed. Except the things that should have changed. Like me, thinking about Nicholas every day; comparing stories with people, saying "Nicholas and I used to..." or "That's like one time, when Nicholas..." It hit me the other day. WOW, it's going to have been SEVEN YEARS since we started dating. Three since we broke up. Even then, I was 21.

It HAS to be high time to move on. I've got to get over him. Now, this won't be easy; he is Trevor's father. So I can't never, ever talk about him again. There is no question. But I can take myself mentally out of his life. I suppose I've been "out of his life" for three years now. But I have still, daily, wondered what he was doing. I have still been worrying about the times I've run into him. I've still been thinking (and talking) about how we would be married by now, with or without Trevor. I keep trying to find out through the grapevine what he's up to. I need to stop!

So today, marks the day I started trying. Trying to get over him; trying to move on. Trying to live my life for the future and not for the past. That's a big one. I am one of those people who lives in the past. I dwell on it; drown in it. I need to look towards my future as a strong, Christian woman who can take care of herself. I want to need no man in my life; though I need to have faith that one will come. My knight in shining armor is out there somewhere. I may have already found him; but I've been running from him because of my past experience. The abused little girl in my past whose son was stolen from her needs to let go, and become the strong woman; the wife, the mother that I know I will be.

I'll never "get over" my son. I don't want to. But that doesn't mean that I can't get over his father. Our relationship is over. OVER. He's not coming back. And in reality, I never wanted him to; or I would have never left him in the first place. He hit me, raped me, and told me I was worthless...why couldn't I ever see through the haze?

I make no promises, other than to TRY. I won't say this will be easy; but I know that once it's over I will look back and think, how trivial. I know there are bigger, greater things in store for me, thanks to my one and only Savior, Jesus Christ. God has a plan for me, and I'm going to let Him see it through. And I know God gave me Nicholas, so that one day I would learn these lessons.

7 years. Time to move on...

P.S. - his name isn't Nicholas, it's Charlie.

Lost

2009-12-27T14:53:00.002-05:00

Wow, I have been the worst blogger, EVER, lately! I apologize. I am STILL waiting for Trevor's birthday pictures. I guess I have to realize that people are busy, and just because it's the most important thing to ME, it's not to them. So I'm waiting; rather impatiently, might I add. I haven't been in the best place mentally, lately, and this post will probably be very incoherent and full of rambling, so bear with me.

I don't know when this will end! I CANNOT spend the rest of my life going through bouts of sadness, despair, and utter terror at everyday life. For a few months now I had been doing well; Trevor's party was AMAZING! I felt strong; like healing had finally begun and maybe this overwhelming, unbearable grief was finally withering away. HA! What was I thinking? And it has been over 5 years now...5 YEARS! What the hell is wrong with me? My best friend told me today that she thinks I am bi-polar, or have manic depression. Maybe she's right. I have had your basic normal-grade depression even since I was 15 or so, so maybe losing my son really sent me over the edge. I'll admit I haven't been taking my medication, Zoloft, but I have had mostly good weeks and months since I've stopped taking it. So I don't know what to think! I think maybe what I actually have is PTSD. A lot of women who have lost children, it is my understanding, suffer from PTSD. And if it's been 5 years, there has to be an underlying mental defect here, right? I mean, I'm MISERABLE. No one wants to be around me, even my own family. I feel like a burden to EVERYONE. My best friend keeps telling me, and I suppose she's right, that no one can ever love someone like this. And it's true, I guess.

On a similar note, I have given up, officially, on relying on ever getting married. And I still want babies. So to me, it seems logical, since I'm about to come into some money, to have a baby on my own. No, I don't mean go out, sleep with men until I get pregnant and ask for a child support check. I was thinking, about a year from now I will start looking into getting a sperm donation and trying artificial insemination. And every single person in my life who I've mentioned this to, basically told me I wouldn't be a good mother, and that having a baby like that is the dumbest idea they've ever heard. I suppose SOME of them used nicer words, but that's what they all ultimately meant by their answers. This is not something I have barely thought about or taken lightly. This is something I am dead serious about. Maybe I AM crazy, but why? I look at it this way: maybe no one WILL ever love me. Maybe I won't ever get married! And I am CERTAINLY NOT going to give up on ever having children, just because I am supposed to wait for a man to decide that I'm worthy of being a wife and mother. That's not fair; and technology allows me to have other options. So why can't I use those options? Please, correct me if I'm wrong. I just want to hear from someone who knows the pain of losing a child; who has these mothering instincts and no place to use them. Everyone's argument has been, "you're only 24, you have time." Maybe. But I was pregnant at 18, and delivered a child at 19, remember? So my brain has been in mothering mode SINCE then. So, I may be 24, but to me I've been ready for a child for 5 years. I have been yearning to hold a healthy baby in my arms for 5 YEARS. I have been ready to nurse, change diapers, instill values, and all the million other things a mother does...for 5 YEARS. So to me, waiting until I'm 25, trying for probably a year or so, and then waiting 9 months for the baby is NOT that crazy of an idea. And as far as me being mentally disturbed goes...well, I'd be far LESS mentally disturbed if I had a living, breathing child to take home, to nurture, to MOTHER. There will ALWAYS be a hole in my heart for Trevor; I know this. But why does that mean I can't have another child? I will be financially stable, and I've been ready, like I said, for 5 YEARS! Also, did I mention, the people who keep telling me it's a terrible idea are people who were married young, had children young or don't want kids, and know NOTHING about having to wait for a baby! And ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about losing your only child. It's just hard for me to trust the opinion of someone who was given everything in life, and still has the audacity to complain about it, or tell me I'M crazy, for wanting what they accidentally got and didn't want.

Regardless of all else in this post, I am making two appointments this week: one with a mental health professional, and another with an OB-GYN to discuss my childbearing options. I won't make any rash decisions; I suppose. But I am serious about this and I would like to know if anyone has a VALID reason why I should consider otherwise?

Update!

2009-12-06T14:51:00.004-05:00

Hello, bloggers! It has been WAY TOO LONG, I know. I just wanted to let everyone know that Trevor's birthday party went great! It was very comforting, liberating, and sentimental. My friends and family were so supportive. We released balloons at the beach, came back to my place for some food and had a cake. We sang "Happy Birthday" and my niece helped me blow out his candles. I am so glad that I chose to celebrate my son's life! My camera is broken, but a friend took some AMAZING pictures that I'm still waiting for. I will post them AS SOON as I get them!

On another happy note, my family settled our lawsuit! Justice has finally been served for my father's death, and I'm extremely happy about it. Some of the money will go towards setting up an institute in his name which will aid in training and research to help the hospital/emergency room to use a more human approach; which, in my Dad's case, would have saved him.

I don't have much time lately, but I appreciate the continued support from all of my fellow bloggers! I promise to try and give you a better update and pictures soon! Hope all is well, and that everyone is enjoying the Holiday season!

Fight For Preemies!

2009-11-16T23:51:00.004-05:00

Today is Bloggers Unite's event to FIGHT FOR PREEMIES! In honor of this, participating bloggers are asked to blog about a preemie in their lives. Whether past or present, here or with the Angels, your own child or a child you know; join me and many others and blog about a preemie that has touched your life!

"Every year, 20 million babies are born too soon, too small and very sick ― half a million of them in the United States. November 17 is when we fight.

Do you know a baby that was born too soon, too small, unable to suck, unable to breathe on his own? Premature birth is a health crisis that jeopardizes the lives and health of nearly half-million babies each year. It is the #1 killer of newborns and can lead to lifelong disabilities. Worse: the number has increased 31 percent since 1981. It can happen without warning and for no known reason. Until we have more answers, anyone’s baby, could be born too soon.

Medical advances give even the tiniest babies a chance of survival, yet for many babies premature birth is still a life or death condition. It’s the #1 cause of death during the first month of life. And babies who survive face serious health challenges and risk lifelong disabilities.

The rate of premature birth has never been higher. In half the cases, we simply don’t understand what went wrong. We need to fight for answers. And, ultimately, preventions.

November 17 is dedicated to raising awareness of the crisis of premature birth. The March of Dimes invites bloggers like you to get involved.

• Learn about premature birth at marchofdimes.com/fightforpreemies
• Put a badge on your blog during November, Prematurity Awareness Month®
• On November 17, blog for a baby you love and to help others

We need to fight ― because babies shouldn’t have to."

So...I bet you all can guess who I'm going to blog about, right? TREVOR, of course! This event could not have come at a more perfect time for my son and I. His birthday is this weekend, so I feel extra honored to blog about him! Let me give you a brief description of his short but precious life. On November 22, 2004, at 22 weeks gestation, my son decided he was ready to greet the world; but it was much, much too early. Despite efforts to stop my labor, Trevor was delivered to me at 11:22 PM, alive but struggling. He was just 1lb. 6oz. and just under 13 inches long. His lungs were not fully developed, even for his gestational age, and this caused him to be unable to breathe on his own. His lungs were also too small for the machine available to expand them. After 22 precious minutes, at 11:44 PM, Trevor Michael went to be with the Angels. If you would like to know the full story of my son's life, visit my post titled How My Angel Earned His Wings (photo included).

As of this coming Sunday, my son would be 5 years old. He would be running wild and getting ready for his Transformer's birthday party! He'd be breathing the same air as all of us. Most of all, he'd be here with his Mama, every day. Although medical advances have made great strides already for premature babies; there's still a lot to uncover. Had there been more advanced medical technology available, and his father and I had been more informed about the risks of prematurity, my son, as well as millions of other babies, could be here with us today.

Please donate to March of Dimes in honor of Trevor Michael, by visiting his Memory Band. The March of Dimes funds research and raises awareness for preemies and their families. Help babies like my son get the care they need to survive; and parents like me to be more educated on the risks and signs of premature birth.

Follower Of The Month

2009-11-07T13:59:00.004-05:00

Hey there! I just wanted to write a quick update and let you all know that I was featured as With An Angel On My Shoulder's Follower Of The Month! You can check out the post HERE.

Be sure to leave Ter a comment and start following her blog, if you don't already!

Have a great weekend!

The Secret Garden Meeting - October

2009-11-05T23:41:00.003-05:00

"Welcome to the garden. A place that is only open for bereaved parents. It is our garden, our secret place to come to. A place to remember our children with those who understand us. It is a place to just be, without worry or fear of not being accepted. May you feel safe to share your hearts here in the garden."

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief? Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

Where I am in my grief is a lot different than most. The length of time since my loss, and the stage of my grief are completely different from each other. Although my son was born and went to the Angels almost 5 years ago, I have only really begun opening up about him during this past year. So, even though I've had five years to grieve; I've only been active in this grief for less than 13 months. So where am I in my grief? Well, I'm certainly not out of the "it's not fair" stage. At least, not completely. I'm not all the way out of the being-jealous-of-mothers-with-young-boys phase, either. Although I will say this: where I am now, and where I was even six weeks ago are also quite different. I thought the fall weather, and Trevor's impending birthday was going to kill me; and it's done exactly the opposite. It's cheered me up! I've been happy for my son and his mansion in Heaven! I've been eager to celebrate him; instead of just being miserable without him. I will never, ever, "get over" my son's death. I will also never, ever, go a day without missing him; but I have realized that Trev wouldn't want Mama moping around all day feeling sorry for herself. So, I won't do it anymore (or at least, I'm going to TRY really hard). I guess I'm at the beginning of getting back to "normal". I will always, however have to put that word ("normal"), in quotations; because really, what IS normal, now, without our children?

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Sidenote:

That's it for my Secret Garden Meeting, but I thought I would bring something to the attention of my followers. I am currently one of the plaintiffs in a civil wrongful death suit (in regards to the death of my father). I will be in the courtroom pretty much all day (9-5) for the next 2-3 weeks; and at night, I'm going to crash. Needless to say, I won't be blogging or commenting much, but I promise, at the least, to update before Trevor's birthday party and give all the details! Thanks so much for everyone's support so far. Talk to you all very soon...promise!

Wednesdays for Wyatt!

2009-10-21T15:51:00.003-04:00

I just came across Danielle's blog this morning, and I am proud to be one of Wyatt's supporters! Go to this post for more info.

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"For those of you who are not familiar with my family and what we are trying to achieve, here’s a brief run down...

Our son Wyatt was diagnosed with a fatal condition at our 18 week ultrasound, but chose to carry him to term. We waited to meet our son with love, all the time praying we would get to see him alive.

On June 1, 2009, Wyatt made his way into the world by c-section. To our amazement he had a faint heartbeat and was breathing! He died two minutes later, but I’ve clung to the two minutes my son and I breathed the same air since his passing.

Upon calling to get a copy of Wyatt’s birth certificate, I found out he was listed as a stillborn. You would assume it was a mistake (like I did), but there was no mistake. According to the definition of live birth in Tennessee my son was not “alive enough” to be deemed a live born baby. His two minutes of life has gone unrecognized by my state, and I intend to change this piece of legislation so I can solidify the validity of my son’s short life.

Wednesdays for Wyatt was created to help spread awareness for a law that needs to be changed, as well as to generate more traffic to my petition. So if you’re reading this, thanks for taking the time to help our family!

We are currently up to 1,253 signatures. Hurray! We’ve made it over my initial goal of 1,000 signatures, and now I’m dreaming big! You think you can help me get 5,000 signatures by Thanksgiving? I bet you could, and I hope this Wednesdays for Wyatt helps out tremendously. Post this to your blogs, facebook, myspace... wherever you can think of. I can’t wait to see how many more signatures we receive from this. I have a great feeling!

The contest will only be open today. You have until 11:59 pm to post this on your blog and come back here to link up with MckLinky in order to qualify for this Wednesdays for Wyatt giveaway. Good luck everybody and thanks for participating."

Surviving

2009-10-16T18:57:00.002-04:00

First of all, thank you all SO MUCH for your comments, concerns and prayers. They have helped! I'm not going to say that everything is well; but I'm certainly better today than I was last night. My friend and I talked today, and though I don't think it will be quite the same for a while; I don't think we're too far gone to save our friendship. As for my son, I can only hope that he forgives me, and that will be enough. Jaclyn, you're right: my love should be enough!

Needless to say, I need to get going back to church and make God an even bigger part of my life. It's a struggle, I know, but like one of you said, it can only go up from the bottom...which is where I am now. I have to have faith, even when it's hard to, that He will lift me up and show me the way to His love.

Thank you so so so much again for all of your kind words, prayers and thoughts. God must not ever be far from me if I have all of you.

Please, God, I can't take any more!

2009-10-16T01:12:00.003-04:00

I don't know what happened. I don't know who I am anymore. I forgot to light a candle for my son today, on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day!!!!! I forgot because I've ruined my own life and it's all crashing down on me. I have been shivering for hours. Not because of the cold, but because of the crying. I can't breathe. I forgot my son. I lost my best friend. All in one day. There has only ever been one person I knew I could go to for anything. And because I'm a crazy, worthless, self-defeating bitch...I've lost my best friend. She wants nothing to do with me. She's the one person I know was showing up to my son's birthday party. The one person I knew would catch me when I fall. My other best friend is her husband, too. Gone. Her kids mean the world to me, as if they were my own, and now I'll never see them grow up.

I don't know where it started, but I know it's got to end. I can't do this anymore. The people who take their own lives...I get it now. I would rather die now than be alone through the worst few months of my life. If someone who has meant so much to me will just abandon me in my darkest hour, I've done something wrong. Well, I've done plenty wrong...I just don't know why. I don't know why I say or do anything. I think it's because since I lost my son, and then my father and then the love of my life left me...I've never been the same. I suppose I've leaned too hard on my best friend after all of this happened, but what else could I do? And I thought I had at least tried to be a good friend back, but apparently I was never even that. I've only ever been a burden, to everyone I know. I've lost everyone that was ever important to me because of who I am.

This will be the hardest few months of my life coming up. It's the first year I've ever been able to acknowledge that my son was ever alive. And as thankful as I am for being able to celebrate him, sometimes I wish I was still numb. I wish sometimes I didn't care, or still tried not to remember. Because then I'd still have friends. Then I'd still be functioning in society. Then no one would have to know I was crazy. Then I'd still have my best friend.

Did I mention, I FORGOT MY SON!?!?!?? Mother of the year award goes to me.

Where will it end? If ending my life will end all of this; then catch you later, folks...

I ♥ Faces - Week 40 - "Excited!" Photo Challenge

2009-10-12T03:52:00.002-04:00

For this week's I ♥ Faces Photo Challenge, the theme is "Excited!" For my entry, I chose this picture of my good friend and his daughter (my "niece") at her 3rd birthday party. I have always thought this photo was so precious and I'm glad I get to share it with all of you!

I Heart Faces: Fix-It Friday :-)

2009-10-09T13:30:00.005-04:00

This is my first ever I Heart Faces Fix-It Friday entry! I used iPhoto (because it's all I have), which doesn't have a lot of options, but...I first enhanced the photo, then played around with the saturation, temperature, exposure, and all that good stuff. Then, I used the retouch feature to cover up imperfections and even out skin tone. Finally, I used the adjustments tab to boost the color and add a little edge blur. Simple, not much change, but thought I'd give it a whirl!

Here's the final result:

Not Me! Monday

2009-10-05T14:36:00.002-04:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

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First of all, I most certainly have never done anything worthy of lying about.

For instance, this past friday (9/25) was my 24th birthday. I had a party, at which I did not have a little too much Jagermeister and did not pass out at 10:30 PM...not bailing on my own birthday party! I also did not wake up around 5:30 AM the next morning still in all of my clothes...complete with jewelry, shoes and ankle brace! Not me!

You know what else? I most certainly have not neglected to clean my apartment lately. I definitely do not have so much laundry that I'm swimming in it; and I do not have a bunch of trash to take out. I do not occasionally Febreze my jeans and throw them in the dryer for ten minutes instead of washing them. I also have not, for weeks on end, forgotten to head down to my mailbox and grab my mail. I did not get a note in my door from the front office, because said mailbox was not overflowing! Nope...not me!

I have also not gained the title of worst church attendance ever! I have not missed church for almost two months now, and I did not, despite all efforts, miss it again last night. I would never do such a thing! Not me!

Branded

2009-10-01T02:04:00.002-04:00

Got my first tattoo tonight! In memory of my little Angel!

The Secret Garden Meeting - September

2009-09-29T12:10:00.002-04:00

What has helped you throughout this new life the most? Is it your family? Your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. Please feel free to share photos,videos, websites, support group information and so on.

There are two answers to this, for me. The first is music; only because it was in this order that my life after Trevor was saved. For the longest time, I was unable to speak of my son. I was unable to react in public when someone said the name "Trevor". I was unable to sit there and cry like a girl (and I was just a girl) who has lost her son (see the post, "How My Angel Earned His Wings" if you're confused). So I drowned myself in music. I have quite a few songs that remind me of Trevor. First and foremost has always been Hanson's "Broken Angel" (hence, the name of my blog). I will post the lyrics to this song at the end of this post. It can be sad and hard to hear/read at times, but it's perfect for me, and my son's story. There are a million other songs/artists that, before Trevor was born, never made me think twice that it could be about someone's child. Songs that I've always loved now take on new meaning in light of losing my baby boy. For example, "Wonderwall" by Oasis. Never, ever, ever did I think, "hey, maybe this song was written for a child," until I lost my son. Now it reminds me of him every time I hear it. Sometimes I cry or scream when I hear music that reminds me of my son. But sometimes, it makes me smile. Either way, music helped me to always feel for my son, one way or the other. Even when I wasn't "allowed" to.

Second, is definitely a network of people. Mostly fellow Baby Lost Mamas, but definitely not all. My best friend, Kaleigh and her husband, Jon are definitely top on my list. They have two beautiful children, and have never lost one. But they have been there for me through thick and thin. They were the first people I ever really told the truth to. The first to ever acknowledge that my son's life needed to be honored and remembered. They were the ones who encouraged me to tell my family and friends about Trevor. They're the ones who STILL seem to at least TRY to "get it" more than anyone else. I could never thank them enough for all that they've done for me. Jon even wrote a song, called "11:22" about Trevor, and is currently perfecting it for Trev's birthday celebration. They both say that they love Trevor like their own; and they mean it. I would have never gotten this far without them.

Also, though, there are the people who HAVE also lost a child. The people who DO "get it". First off, I must give my friend Jaclyn an honorable mention. I met her through the church I started going to recently; and she too lost her son, Zachary. She is really the one who's opinion I trusted most in telling my family about Trevor; remembering his life, etc. She's been through it; and I see her network of support first-hand, and trusted that I WOULD survive telling my friends and family. And I did. And I feel better. I now also think of Zachary often and that further proves that our little ones do live on through us, and other people. She's the one who gave me the idea to blog about Trev...which leads me to my final support system: all of you. This blog, and my fellow Baby Lost Mamas all around the world, have become a great support system for me. Your kind words, and the fact that every single one of you really DOES know exactly how I'm feeling. You don't have to TRY to understand, because you already do. And for that, I am so grateful. You have all given me strength, courage and pride when it comes to my son...and I could never thank you enough. I only hope I can return the favor.

"Broken Angel" - Hanson

So small, yet still so proud

At night before he dreams, he looks into the clouds

A high-flyer's what I want to be,

Seems they won't let me, says I'm too small

Don't feel small, at all

Break my dreams, that's what they'll do

Well I'm going to run away, and learn to fly like you

I'm going to go so high, and swoop so low

You can't bring me down, going to be so proud

Little Angel, you've got to learn to fly

Get up, and earn your wings tonight

Little Angel, just look in my eyes

Get up, and earn your wings tonight

Push and shove, then climb aboard

This is the shuttle train, to the top of the world

When you look around, what do you see?

These are all high-flyers,

But none of these high-flyers look like me

What is that supposed to mean?

What am I supposed to be?

I pull my way, up through this crowd

To find your body crushed on the ground

It's so obvious, why couldn't you see?

That you can't go high-flying,

Without a pair of high-flyer wings

Little one's broken, lying on the ground

Trying to get up, 'til his last breath out

Wings are strewn everywhere, there's blood all around

'Cause even Angels die, but that light just fades

It's so sad, but he'd be so proud

Broken Angel, you've got to learn to fly

Get up, and earn your wings tonight

Broken Angel, just look in my eyes

Get up, and earn your wings tonight

Get up, and earn your wings

Earn your wings, tonight

I Heart Faces: "Something Blue"

2009-09-28T23:44:00.003-04:00

When I first saw this week's theme at I Heart Faces, this was the first photo I thought of entering. Miles here is my best friends' son (i.e., my "nephew"), and on this particular day he was running through the sprinkler in his little blue-and-white wet suit. Obviously, the color of his eyes goes along with this week's them as well. Yes, they're really that color (his sister's are, too!)...this photo hasn't even been so much as cropped! Straight from the camera, I swear! Photos like this really are worth a thousand words.

Happy Birthday to me!

2009-09-25T02:40:00.004-04:00

So today (Sept. 25th) is my 24th birthday! I am actually, despite a few obvious setbacks/distractions (which we will get to), pretty excited for tonight. Later tonight, that is...since it's 2:41am and technically my birthday starts when I wake up later. A bunch of friends and family and myself are all going down to our family's lake house for a bonfire/birthday party on the water! I'm excited because for once I'm pretty sure the majority of the people I invited are coming. I have some new friends, some family and some old friends coming. A good mix. It should, for the most part, be a good time.

Speaking of old friends, however, I have gotten myself into quite an awkward situation. An ex-boyfriend of mine, Josh, is going to be at my birthday party. I haven't seen him at all, pretty much since we broke up a year and a half ago. So he texted me to wish me a happy birthday, and asked me if I had any good plans for my day. So I told him about my party; and I said he was more than welcome to come, because he never shows up anywhere I invite him anyway...and I had to be polite and ask. So guess who thinks that's a GREAT idea? Yup, the ex boyfriend. I guess our breakup wasn't as bitter as others of mine have been; but I generally don't invite my ex boyfriends to my birthday parties!!!! What was I thinking? So now I wonder, does he think this is some kind of booty call? Because HELL. NO. If I'm being blunt, it's my time of the month, I can barely walk AT ALL because I sprained my ankle tonight, and I'm not that interested in casual sex anymore. It has to mean something, or I'm not giving myself up or so I say. So Josh is not "getting any", if that's his goal.

And then I think, what if he really is still into me? We didn't break up because we had lost feelings for each other at all. We broke up because it was the wrong time in both of our lives HIS life for a relationship with each other. But I'm a lot different now, so maybe he is, too? Maybe he's never lost contact with me for more than a month since we broke up, because he really does still have feelings for me? Maybe he's the one! Maybe he's realized leaving was a mistake...

...and maybe, it's still just a booty call. I almost can't tell the difference, anymore. Only time will tell.

But like I said, outside of these things, for some reason...I am completely optimistic about my birthday! So I'm basking in the ambiance. Hope all is well out there in blog world!

Wordless Wednesday

2009-09-23T23:11:00.002-04:00

Getting old...

2009-09-18T00:59:00.003-04:00

To start with, I've had a Mountain Dew and a Dr. Pepper after months of no caffeine and it's 1:00 in the morning...just a warning. In other words, I have a lot on my mind and I don't know quite yet where this post is going, so bear with me.

One thing I've noticed lately is that apparently, my son's story is getting old. He may be turning five in just a few short months, so I suppose I should be "over it" by now, according to those who by the way, could never even IMAGINE losing their children, once, at least pretended to care. Almost no one at all even knew my son existed until less than a year ago, and even those who have known for less than six months are literally already MAKING FUN OF ME for it. Literally. Busting my chops about my dead son, like it's some kind of quirk I have that they can poke fun at. My favorite was my sister's boyfriend telling me, "babies die; get over it." REALLY? Because last time I checked, old people are supposed to die and babies are supposed to live...correct? Sometimes I want to say, "Yeah, well then I hope it's YOUR kid some day." But I would never, because one: I would never wish this life upon anyone else, no matter what they did to me; and two: it's not going to get me anywhere. So I have bitten my tongue. Another excellent one was "Not today. I don't have the time or patience for your problems right now." Thanks a lot, best friend of mine...(with beautiful, breathing, healthy children, mind you.) About a month ago, I was with my brother, my sister and her boyfriend, and an episode of House, M.D. came on in which a premature baby boy is on a table being shocked back to life, and eventually, dies right there on screen. I asked nicely a few times, and then eventually not so nicely if they could PLEASE turn it off. They literally LAUGHED, turned it up, and then told me a I was a crazy b****. Yes, you read that correctly. Oh, and my sister's boyfriend, being the biggest **** of them all, said another cute thing to me on our recent cruise (in front of 20 people, by the way: "your son's lucky he's dead, because his mother's such crazy b*tch he would have killed himself by now anyway." I couldn't speak, and ran off crying through a crowd of witnesses. On my top ten of life's worst moments, let me tell you.

So...needless to say, having a birthday party for Trevor is now something that unfortunately is not comfortable for me to do, because my story is getting old, and annoying. I was so excited, too! But celebrating my son's life, is now something I feel ashamed about...AGAIN. I thought I had gotten past this? I thought my ex was the only a**hole person who could have no feeling for something so precious. Apparently, I'm the only one who does. Regardless, I will lose all of my friends and family before I let my son's memory fade AGAIN. I betrayed my little man for far too long, and I will forever make it up to him.

On that note, my story is not the only thing getting old around here. I'm turning twenty-four a week from today (Sept. 25th), but I feel one-hundred and twenty-four. I'm exhausted, worn out, overwhelmed and weakened, trying to keep my son's memory alive. I'm tired from the guilt and embarrassment I feel even speaking his name. THIS IS NOT RIGHT. It can't be. What is wrong with these people? Am I the crazy one? Is it me, or is everyone I know cold-hearted and cruel? I'm also tired from consciously holding back when I feel like mentioning him; or interjecting about the ups and not-so-obvious downs of my pregnancy along with the other mothers. They look at me like I don't belong in their conversation, because I have to step out as soon as it gets to the living baby in your arms part...that part didn't last so long for me. I'm not able to chime in with the cute little things Trev did as a baby. Or give advice on parenting to someone who's technically been a mother for less time that I have.

What I've figured out is that no one really cares about anyone else for an extended period of time. And that 24 sucks. Because everyone I know is either on the end of the scale where they're married with living children and a life, or on the other end, where stuff like that is unfathomable because after all, we're only 24, right? Either way, I've learned that the one thing that makes it impossible to fit in with anyone at all, is having a dead baby...and unfortunately, my son is not here with me; so I guess I'm one of those people who will never fit in.

...I guess I'm getting old.

"Tied together with a smile, but (I'm) coming undone"

2009-08-30T14:26:00.006-04:00

It's been cold for the past few days = fall is coming; and I can't wait to jump off a bridge see the leaves turn red. I'm so distraught happy that Trevor's birthday is coming up! My birthday of course comes first (Sept. 25th), but there's no even thinking of that once it starts to feel like fall again. In 2004, I was only consciously pregnant from late August (like, this week) until November 22, when my Angel was born and went to be with God. Autumn weather has always been my favorite time of year, and it's bittersweet totally awesome. And it does NOT feel like it's been 5 years already! My baby boy should be heading to pre-school, if not kindergarten next week, and it's killing me very nostalgic!

Okay, time for brutal honesty: I wish I could just f****ng enjoy the fall like every other normal person!!!!!! Autumn used to be the happiest time of the year; my birthday, my best friend's birthday, apple picking, pumpkin patches, hayrides, haunted houses, costumes, cool, crisp air, fallen leaves, boots, sweaters, good food, honoring our Veterans, my son's birthday...oh wait, not planning my son's birthday party; planning his memorial ceremony. Not dressing him up like Spiderman or Batman or whoever the heck he wants to be. He's not turning 5, he's not unpredictable, and definitely not melting me more every day with his words. Oh, and he's not sooooo smart and he's not getting soooo big! I can't wait to not drop him off at pre-school; you know the day where mothers everywhere say they're "letting go" of their babies? You don't know the meaning!!!!!!

Don't worry though, I'm doing worse than I've ever been because it's the first year that everyone will know about Trevor's birthday and I have a memorial to plan just fine.

"Nicholas" and I on Trevor's 1st birthday, 11/22/05

Inspired

2009-08-02T13:44:00.004-04:00

So it just hit me, for the nine-thousandth time, again...how amazing the unspoken bond between those who have lost a child, is. First of all, I have never felt my son's life so honored as it has been through my fellow Baby Lost blog Moms and Dads! I mean, some of you have done the simplest things that have touched my heart forever. You've written Trevor's name in the sand, you've made him Angel wings, you've shared his story all around the world! Then there are those of you I've met in person. You have taught me so much about my grief; how it is unpredictable and sometimes unbearable...but I know I'll always pull through, because you have.

On this note, I feel compelled to share this story: Last sunday was the third anniversary of when my Daddy passed away (July 26th). We all met as a family at the cemetery, and as I was walking towards my father's headstone, I saw a couple kneeling on the ground in front of a beautiful black and gold stone. I noticed there were quite a lot of little toys and fire truck trinkets and child-themed balloons. I realized then, that this was a couple mourning the loss of their precious son. I was afraid of being rude, but I had to say something. I walked over and apologized for interrupting, but I told them that I also had a precious baby boy who passed away, and that I was sorry for their loss. Their son lived only three weeks and went to be with the Angels just months before my Trevor was born. By the end of the conversation, his mother and I were hugging and crying. But it felt good, in a way. They agreed that they felt better, in a bittersweet way, having run into me. This encounter was a wonderful work of God, was the general outlook on the situation. And it was.

Samuel Shaun Beausoleil was born on July 20, 2004 and went to the Angels on August 18th of that same year. Please keep him and his wonderful, loving parents in your thoughts and prayers as they go through that "dreaded month" with birthdays/anniversaries that we all have to face every year.

Thank you to all who have honored my son's life and legacy. God bless you all and I pray every day for you and your precious Angels. It's the least I can do. Don't forget to pray for Samuel and the Beausoleils!

Stellan

2009-07-27T13:58:00.001-04:00

Everyone, please pray for MckMama's baby boy Stellan!

He was born a miracle, and has been having trouble the past few days staying well. He and his family desperately need your prayers! So please, keep in in your thoughts.

Quick Update & Random New Pic :-)

2009-07-12T15:49:00.006-04:00

Me at the 311 concert

(the first one, LOL)

I don't have much time today, but I felt like I needed to blog a bit. Subconsciously, I haven't been blogging on purpose, because my last post was the 22nd post I've written. Every time I logged in, it would tell me, 22 posts. I figured it was Trevor telling Mama he likes the new blog layout! ;-)

I guess you could say things are going a little better than my past few blogs. Not that the pain or hurt or concern is gone; but maybe...just maybe...I'm learning to cope? Maybe this is the point at which it gets easier? (If, that is, that point exists at all.) Then I feel guilty, though, for not being depressed all the time. I feel guilty for going an hour without missing my son so much it hurts. I feel guilty for not crying when I think that he's not here; for smiling when I realize he's in his own little mansion in Heaven. I know that's what Trev would want me to do; smile. But somehow I feel like I'm losing the bond I've had with him for so long now. I feel like he's no longer the first thing I think about when I wake up; or the last thing before I fall asleep. He should be! Right? I also haven't even thought about my recent miscarriage. I did write to Austin, letting him know what happened because it's his right to know. But I feel guilty for almost being "over it". I mean, I'm certainly not okay with it, and there are days where I go "Okay, so today I should be 9 weeks pregnant, and instead I'm drinking margaritas," but it's not eating me alive like I think it should be.

Overall, I think it's just been so long since I was happy, or at least okay, that it doesn't feel right. Maybe I'm just having a good week...and I'm sure there will be bad weeks to come. But maybe my life really will turn around this time. Maybe I will learn to remember my son and not cry all the time. Maybe I will, in a way, "move on" (to the best of a Baby Lost Mama's ability, anyway). I'm just not sure I want to, or that I'm ready to, yet.

With You In Your Dreams

2009-06-26T00:33:00.004-04:00

First of all, I can't believe that Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcet and Michael Jackson have all passed away! Within two days! I know many of you don't believe in "signs" or anything like that; but this is, to me, an omen of sorts. For one thing, I now can't stop thinking of "Nicholas" (Trevor's father)! He is hands-down the biggest Michael Jackson fan I have ever known! He must be devastated. For those of you who may know him; or had known us together, you realize what a big deal this would have been right now. Granted, my 4-and-a-half-year-old son should also have been here, and old enough to know that Daddy's idol is now in Heaven. But I suppose Trevor is aware, now isn't he? He gets to meet MJ before Daddy does!

Speaking of Daddy (and I haven't told anyone this), I had a dream about Nicholas the other night: He shows up at my apartment with a dozen of yellow (a.k.a. "I'm sorry") roses. He is crying his eyes out, and says, "Can I talk to you?". I am smitten enough, in this dream, to let him in and offer him a soda. He says, "I want to visit our son's grave; and I can't...won't, do it without you." (For those of you who don't know, I am still looking for the location, as I was on pain meds and completely paid no attention (on purpose) to where my son was buried, out of state) Of course, I am thrilled, because I've been waiting so long for this! He also says, "...and, I want to maybe work things out between us?" Now, in real life, I'm thinking, are you crazy? after everything you've said and done, you *******! you want me to be with you again? But in my dream, I say, "'Nicholas', I've waited two years for you to ask me that." Long story short, we go to visit Trevor; once a week, from there on in. We stay together, get engaged and move into a home together. We live the life I thought we'd have had; minus my precious Angel, of course. But I feel sometimes like even with losing Trevor, we still could have had a good life together. Those are the moments I question my decision to not have him in my life anymore. But then I think, God didn't want Nicholas in my life; so I will trust that He has given me the strength to stay away.

On that note, I miss church! (Five months ago, by the way, I never thought I'd be saying that.) But one thing or another has prevented me from making it to church lately. I've only been there once every other week or so for the past few weeks, and I don't like it! As you can see from my last post, I have a lot of people to pray for! Including, now...a very dear friend of mine. I found out this week that one of my good friends is also a Baby Lost Mama! I never knew. She and her then-husband, J, had a little girl Born With Wings at 17 weeks. Her name was Maribella Antonelli (beautiful, right?), and I'm sure she is wonderful and thriving in Heaven. But her Mama isn't doing so well. This is a person who has been there for me through thick and thin. Someone who I should have known this about a long time ago! Someone who is now married to someone else, now with living children; who has suffered in silence all these years. For the first time, I'm on the other side. There are quite similar situations between Trevor's and Bella's stories. I'm hearing my dear friend pour her heart out; and I'm sad. Because for once, I'm not the Mama who's grieving her baby. I'm the shoulder to lean on. I'm glad to be this. I just wish I knew how to help my friend like so many others have helped me. At the same time, it's so weird. I feel like I'm listening to myself tell the story of my son. But it's not Trevor, it's another precious little life lost. I'm not the only one! I've know I'm not alone, because of you other blog Moms, and friends I've met because of Trevor. But now this is someone I've known all along; someone I didn't meet just because we had child loss in common. This is someone who's already a friend, and is now joining me in grief; over the loss of her daughter. So please, in case I don't find enough time to properly do so, pray for Maribella's Mama.

I guess that's all for tonight. I hope everyone has a great weekend! Hopefully the sun will shine around here some day. :-) God Bless!

A Prayer List

2009-06-07T14:31:00.002-04:00

I have not lost my faith. Not for a second. (See last post). Today, I ask that you pray for me, that I keep my faith. I also would like to tell you about the people in my life who mean a great deal to me and need our prayers.

Evan - my dear friend who has gotten himself into quite a situation. He really is a good boy; he's just lost his way. Today, he is first and foremost on my mind. We haven't known each other all that long, but he gets me...and I get him. I only hope we'll help each other. So please, pray for Evan; that he finds his way and learns from his mistakes. Please pray also, that we always remain friends, and if anything, grow closer.

Ashley - my uncle's girlfriend who needs to get the h*** out of here and find someone worth her time. My uncle is NOT worth her time. They are about 40 years apart in age, and she is MY AGE! I don't know what she sees in him, honestly. He's a mean hearted, horrible person, honestly. She is a beautiful, intelligent, sweet girl who needs someone her age who appreciates her for who she is. Not just parade her around like some trophy. He RUINED her birthday yesterday, and she deserves so much better. She hits close to home for me because I know what it's like to be completely enamored with a man who treats you like dirt; like he owns you. Yet every night you cry yourself to sleep because even if you don't know why, you love him...with every fiber of your being. Please pray for Ashley; that she realizes how wonderful she is and lets him go. That she finds the man of her dreams and lives happily ever after; she deserves it.

Jaclyn - my fellow Baby Lost Mama, whose son Zachary passed away after 18 incredibly precious and inspirational days of life. Pray that she has another baby. Pray that she remains as wonderful as she always was. Pray that she keeps her faith, in spite of all she's been through. And most of all, thank her for helping me to get through the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life.

Mom (Carrie) - my mother, who is absolutely the best friend I've ever had. She has lost so much in life, and always gets through it with a smile. She never stopped loving my father when they divorced; and as soon as they started to think about being together again...my father passed away. No one took it as hard as my mother did. She spends every day of her life kissing my uncle's a** and taking care of my father's mother. That family has been horrible to her; and she wakes up every day and takes care of everything they need...again, with a smile. She lost a baby at 19, just like I did. A stillborn daughter who she never spoke of until I talked about Trevor. She has raised my sister, my brother and I to be strong and elegant. (We try!) She is the best role model I could ask for. I never once wished my mother was anything else (as many teenagers do). I only thanked God every day for letting me know her. Please pray that she always knows how much she's accomplished in life. Pray that she knows how much her children love her and value everything she's done for us. Pray that she sees how amazing she is; and knows she's worth so much more than what she's been given.

Erica - my cousin, who's pregnant with her second child and currently getting evicted from her one-bedroom apartment. Her husband is a useless, cold-hearted man who doesn't give her any help. She's had multiple miscarriages and finally had her miracle daughter 3 years ago. This newest pregnancy, while a welcomed miracle, was unexpected. She wants to be excited, but she is worried about how she will provide for a second child, when the child she has is sleeping in the same room as them; and she's losing her apartment, anyway. She was fired 2 weeks after getting pregnant and has been unable to find work. Her husband got a pay cut, as well as a cut in hours and works an hour away from home. No one they know can really help, me included. Please pray that she has a happy, healthy baby. Please pray that they find a place to live for their family. Pray then, that she has the strength to carry on.

There are many other people who I would love you to pray for. In brief, I will give you their names, in no particular order:

Sarah W

Peyton

Grandma D

Grandma R

Kaleigh

Jon

Austin

Josh

Audrey

Sarah S

Taylor

Demitry

Ash

Uncle Pete

Kelly

Auntie Pam

Uncle Willie

Jessica

Brandon

Stephen

Cory

Shepherd

Zac

Chris

Courtney

Mike

Charlie

Isaac

Nikki

Natalie

Ezra

Penelope

River

Viggo

Everett

Monroe

Steve

Jordan

Ronnie

James

Bill

Helena D

Helena J

Elijah

Aunt Rose

Thank you in advance for your thoughts and prayers.

Another Loss

2009-06-04T00:54:00.007-04:00

So...in order to tell you what happened yesterday, first I'll have to tell you all what I've failed to tell you for the past few weeks. I did the stupid, sinful, embarrasing thing in Tulsa and had unprotected sex with Austin (see my last post, "I HEART TULSA"). Five days later, I missed my period. A week after that, I was nauseous and vomited for 5 days straight. I felt the implantation pulling, "bungee cord" feeling. Most of all my period NEVER came. A few days ago, I started seeing brownish-pink spotting. This is usually what is called "implantation bleeding". It's also an early sign of miscarriage. Yesterday would have been 4 weeks 4 days pregnant.

To be honest, I am so swallowed with the loss of my son that I was EXCITED to be pregnant! I WANTED this baby. Even if Austin wanted nothing to do with me, in my mind this was the best mistake I'd ever made. Needless to say, yesterday morning I was certainly not pregnant anymore. This may be graphic, but I've been getting blood clots the size of quarters, and I feel as if someone is trying to rip my insides out of me. I was DEVASTATED. I spent the day with my best friend, Kaleigh, balling my eyes out and screaming at the sky. I was so lost. Did I really just lose ANOTHER child? Now, clearly a 4 week 4 day embryo the size of a pin head is nothing in comparison to losing my 1lb 6oz, living son. But I was pregnant two days ago, nonetheless, and I'm not pregnant anymore. And there isn't a baby, either. So twice, I was pregnant, and now, TWICE I've lost a baby.

In spite of this, I am trying to remain strong. If ever I've realized that God is in control, it's now. I know that He will not harm me; only teach me lessons. I have faith that one day I will have beautiful, healthy babies and a husband who loves me with all of his heart. I've learned that I need to at least TRY to be patient with His plan; and until I see it, do my best to serve our Lord in my every day life. If never before, I am praying every chance that I get. I know that God will not give me a child until I love myself enough to be a good mother. I know that all the things that have happened to me in my life, have all been part of His plan, in one way or another. I know that I have learned something from my losses; and from the losses of others, too. I know that now Trevor has a sibling to play with in his mansion in Heaven! I don't know how something like a miscarriage has brought me CLOSER to God...but it has. Maybe He's trying to show me that even though this has happened, He is never far from me. If I can have faith now, I will never lose my faith again.

Might I add, I have never in my life been more grateful for my best friend. I've been a terrible friend to her lately. A jealous, spiteful BITCH, in plain English. Yet, she hasn't left me for a moment. She has been there through EVERYTHING I've been going through. I only hope that someday I can be for her what she has been for me. Kay, if you read this I love you, I'm sorry, and thank you.

I <3 TULSA!

2009-05-25T18:12:00.008-04:00

Hello, all! It's been quite a while since I've posted last. I've been really busy, and missing out on a lot of things I normally would never stray from...like this blog, for example. I'm doing a bit better than the last few times I wrote. I started self-medicating again, on Zoloft (which I see as fine, because my doctor has been under the assumption I've been taking it all along). I'm feeling much better! I have also switched to 100% caffeine free beverages...even my coffee! I guess it's the combination of the two, but my heart palpitations aren't one-tenth as bad as they were before. My anxiety is still lurking in the shadows...I still have bad days...but I have not had one panic attack since tuesday, the 12th...and that was for damn good reason!

My best friend Kaleigh, her husband, Jon and I went on our vacation to Tulsa, Oklahoma last weekend. It was GREAT! We actually got stuck there an extra day (we were supposed to be home by noon on Sunday the 17th, and got home around 7pm on Monday the 18th!)...we slept through our 7am flight. We were really stressed out about it at the time, but our extra day in Tulsa ended up being one of the best yet. The very first night we were there, we got in, changed clothes and went out to explore Mayfest, and beyond. Mayfest is a festival/concert series that is held every year in downtown Tulsa. Our hotel overlooked the main stage, and we were perfectly centered for all of the weekends' festivities. We had originally been going for the Hanson Members' Only Event (don't laugh, it was amazing), but it turned out the band had planned it around Mayfest so us fans would get to experience it. Props to Isaac, Taylor and Zac! Anyway...the first night we found ourselves at this small, hole-in-the-wall bar called Arnie's on the corner of 2nd and Elgin. Jager shots were doubles, in a rocks glass for $2. Beers were about $1.50. I met an adorable guy with dark curly hair, blue eyes and a guitar. His name is Austin (his middle name is Trevor!!!), and we're still keeping in touch. He's thinking of coming to visit this summer, and I'll sure as hell be going back to Tulsa, myself. I told him all about my son, and he was a wonderful, sweet person. I wonder where things will go with him? Only time will tell.

The Members' Only Event weekend consisted of one of the band's usual Walks (see Take The Walk for more information), which was a great success! The shows were split into 3 sessions, one on Friday at 8pm, and two on Saturday at 3pm and 7pm. We were lucky to get into the final show on Sat @ 7pm...and there are no words. I'm sure you're reading this and laughing, but seriously...I bet you haven't heard a thing from Hanson since "MMMBop", have you? Go down to my playlist and listen to "Never Let Go"...I bet you'll love it! That's a rare song that they've almost never played; and Taylor, my favorite, played it as a solo during the show last weekend. I've waited literally almost 10 years for that moment. (Also, my fellow Baby Lost Mamas need to look up "Lay Me Down" and "Broken Angel" by Hanson as well. I promise it will be worth it.) There were less than 100 people at our show...in a very small, intimate theater. It was an amazing night for me, and I'm sure for many other Hanson fans. Overall, I LOVED Tulsa, with or without Hanson...and I will definitely be back!

Here are some of the pics highlighting my Okie weekend!

Kaleigh and I on our first night in Tulsa

Kaleigh and her husband, Jon

Jon and I

The gang from Arnie's

Austin <3

The Oil Driller of Tulsa

Just SOME of the people at The Walk

Taylor Hanson

Isaac Hanson

Zac Hanson

Tulsa city skyline from the front of our hotel

Mothers Day

2009-05-09T17:20:00.004-04:00

I don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow. I have never been able to even be considered on Mothers Day, and now that my story is out in the open, I've had mixed feelings. My friends and family have all made it very clear to me that I AM a mother; and I truly appreciate their kind words and encouragement. But somehow, it's still bittersweet. I guess that's just the way it is.

On the other hand, I had the sweetest conversation with my little (well, 18-year-old, 6-foot, "little") brother last night about Trevor. First of all, every time he speaks of him, he calls him "Trevor Michael" instead of just Trevor or Trev, like I do. Michael was our Dad's name; he passed away in 2006, so maybe that's why Peyton (my brother) does that. Either way, I LOVE it...it sounds so adorable coming from little bro's mouth. He said to me "I can't imagine what you must have gone through. To know your little baby and then have to let him go." He also said he'd love to be an uncle; that it would have been "so cool," and he would have "taken him everywhere with me". My family's never been big on talking about things like this (almost every other woman on my mom's side has had a miscarriage or stillbirth, and no one ever talks about it); so it's really great that my brother, the one who could never understand, wants to talk about Trevor.

Lastly, I found this video on a fellow Baby Lost Mama's blog, and decided to share it with you all. I'm warning you: break out the tissues! But it helped me a lot to ease my troubled heart. (Go down to the bottom of the page first, and pause my playlist.) Happy Mothers Day, everyone!

Downhill Spiral

2009-05-05T17:47:00.004-04:00

I'm starting to lose my mind. My anxiety is really coming to its peak. I have suffered from depression pretty much since I lost Trevor...that's a permanent thing; I can deal with that. Last summer, after receiving 2 out of 3 parts of the Gardasil vaccine (DON'T GET IT!), I was hospitalized with a rapid heart rate and a severe panic attack. My heart still pounds out of my chest, EVERY DAY...but you know, why would my doctor pay attention to something like that? This whole weekend I had a muscle spasm/twitch going on in my left thumb, which is still not completely gone, but they ignore that, too. I wake up every single day shaking like a leaf, and it almost NEVER goes away.

People keep telling me this is just anxiety. I really hope so. I have, on multiple occasions, convinced myself I was dying. I suddenly, again, have this HORRIBLE fear of being alone. I was like this long before I was even out of the 8th grade, so it really never had anything to do with the loss of my little Angel. I had completely gotten over it, though. I moved into my own apartment a year ago! I had never again, until these past few days, had a worry in the world about being alone. In fact, I went through a phase recently where I just wanted everyone out of my face. I WANTED to be alone. I am only even blogging right now because my best friend (who has been babysitting me like an infant this past week, bless her heart) told me to wait half an hour before I can come over her house. I've been alone since around 1:30 this afternoon, and it's almost 6:00PM. I don't know why, but when she told me to wait, and I hung up the phone and cried my eyes out. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME??? I have been off my depression meds for months now (a choice I made myself)...and I've had the shaking and pounding heart, but not this bad; and none of this fear-of-dying/being-alone stuff. I have even had the hardest time typing this because I'm trembling like it's 30 below in my apartment (and I'm not cold). I was originally taking Celexa, for years, and I went to my doctor when I started feeling a little more down than usual, asking her to up my dose. I LOVED Celexa, I just needed a little more. Instead she switched me to Welbutrin (which made me crazy), then Zoloft. I hated the Zoloft too, and figured my doctor would never help me, so I just stopped taking anything at all. Maybe it was a bad idea. I know it was...but I just want Celexa back!

I really hope, as well, that all of these physical symptoms are only because of my depression/anxiety, and that once I straighten that out, I will be fine again. I am WAY too overweight, and I really want to get healthy and lose weight. If I even try to walk around my apartment, I feel overworked like I'm going to drop dead! March for Babies was 3.2 miles, and I thought I would die! I can't even exercise. Ugh. I am SO TIRED, ALL THE TIME. I sleep until around 11:30 every day, and I'm EXHAUSTED by dinner time. I don't even have a job, and I'm wiped out. I want to be normal, that's all. I am leaving in 9 days for what is supposed to be the most incredible vacation weekend of my life. I've waited 12 years for this (literally)! I'm not even excited; I'm petrified. What if I'm too tired/weak to do anything and ruin it for my friends? What if I have a panic attack?

I hate living like this. Lord, please help me.

March for Babies, Misery, and Ash

2009-04-28T12:27:00.007-04:00

Sunday was the March for Babies! I was sad to have to leave WAY too early, but I walked for my little man, and I suppose that's all that matters. My dear new friend, Jaclyn, is the one who started our team "No Life Too Small" in honor of her son, Zachary. She had shirts made (WHICH I LOVE!), and we looked fabulous in them! (I'm wearing mine now). She also did another thing, which I don't even know if she realizes, meant the WORLD to me. She had made a logo for the team with her son's footprints/name on it, and she made me a pin with the same logo, replacing Zachary's name with my Trevor Michael! I had been completely upset with the fact that I am a procrastinator and hadn't gotten anything to wear in memory of my son. But Jaclyn saved the day! I now have the pin hanging in my car, and it reminds me every day that I am not alone; and that my son is being remembered. I was really upset at one point about having to duck out early, and then missing church later on that night. But then I remember that the March was still a success, regardless; because Zachary and Trevor's little lives were honored in such a big way.

On another note, I'm not so sure I'm doing well these days. You would think, after being able to be open about my son, the wound would heal a little. I feel like it's getting worse. I'm also starting to dwell on things from my past that haven't mattered all that much before. I have been thinking a lot about "Nicholas" (Trevor's father). But about the bad things. I try to give him credit, but the not-so-good things are starting to resurface in my mind. Also, I've been thinking about another ex-boyfriend of mine, Ash. Quick background: I was 15, he was 19...I thought he was the love of my life; I was the love of his. The story's a bit complicated, but he was no longer in my life after 2001. Then, in 2006, while Nicholas and I have been trying to recover from the loss of our Angel...Ash comes crashing back into my world like lighting. He tells me we should have never been apart. He was the one who made me realize that Nicholas was no good for me. He honors my son's memory more than Nicholas ever will. It was a dream come true to have him back in my life. He would marry me, in an instant, no questions asked. But something doesn't feel right. I can't get out of my head that he's too good to be true; so I tell him, we can't do this. He BEGS and PLEADS and tells me I'm the only one he'll ever love. He's PERFECT. But for some reason, I can't do it. So here I am, almost 10 years after originally meeting him, and I'm alone, and miserable. He only lives 45 minutes away. He wants to get married; he wants to have babies. He's everything I could ever ask for. But still, I can't do it. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. I miss him. The day before March for Babies was his 28th birthday. It made me wonder what we could be now. I could be "decorated in babies" (as someone cute once said) ;-), I could be throwing him a huge birthday party. I could be his wife. Still, something holds me back. WHY? I don't know, either. It's almost as if I have a hard time believing he's real, and subconsciously, I'd spend our entire life together worrying that one day, he'll just vanish; and again, I'll be alone. I know it makes no sense, but it's what inside my head. I was going to send him a birthday wish e-mail, but I'm not sure I'm ready to open up that can of worms. So I'll say it here.

"Happy birthday, Ashman. Hope you've got everything you've wished for. I'm sorry."

Please Pray for Kayleigh!

2009-04-22T17:38:00.005-04:00

I'm sure many of you are followers of miracle baby Kayleigh's blog. I have been following her since just about my first day of blogging. She has truly been an inspiration to many of us! Sadly, little Kayleigh has taken a turn for the worse in the past few days. She is showing signs of a serious and possibly life-threatening or irreversible neurological problem. I just wanted to share this little miracle's amazing story, and ask you all who believe in prayer to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pray for Kayleigh! Your prayers and hopes have always helped in the past, so please keep this little miracle in your hearts! (Click on her name above to read her story).

Coming Clean

2009-04-19T00:32:00.003-04:00

I did it! I finally told my mother about Trevor. It was honestly so much easier than all the pain I've put myself through over the years wondering how it would go. I wasn't sure I was ready, but it just came out. I was going up to my Mom's on friday night to pick up my brother for our usual friday night festivities. I always practice how I would tell her on the drive up, but never expect that I'll have the courage to tell her. I saw her, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I shut her bedroom door and said "I've got to tell you a story." I thought I could remain strong, but I started crying before I even spoke. She looked concerned, and I said, "It's okay, I just have to tell you something. When I was 19, me and 'Nicholas' had a baby, and he died." Not the most eloquently worded thing in the world, but at least I got it out.

I think about it now and there's a million things I would have said differently, but such is life. I told her we named him Trevor Michael; and that he was born alive but he was just too little to survive. I told her that Trevor is what made me want to start going to church and finding God. I told her that's why I am doing the March for Babies (which she then sponsored me for...I have reached my fundraising goal!) I told her she can tell anyone she wants, and that I am just so tired of hiding him. I showed her Trevor's Name In The Sand, and she thought it was beautiful. She cried, and I'm sure she's grieving now, too. But I am so relieved to be able to be honest with her. She told me (though I already knew) that she also lost a baby, and she was only 19, too. I never thought my own mother would be the one who could relate to me. She's glad she has a grandson, and she's only sorry that I felt I couldn't tell her. She said that she can't believe I've been going through this alone for so long. Neither can I. She also said if she ever sees "Nicholas" again, she's going to make him wish he'd never gotten out of bed that day. I don't blame her.

I'm exhausted; and I've got a long day tomorrow. But I had to share the news! I am so relieved, and I want to thank everyone who has encouraged me to get this far. I don't know what I would have done without your kind words and advice. I'll update again soon!

Peace, Love and Me!

2009-04-14T15:38:00.005-04:00

I'm having a great day today! I have thought about my little Angel, all day, and smiled! I'm trying to cherish the 22 minutes I did get to spend on this Earth with my baby boy. I have basically been a hermit lately. I've been getting up around 3pm, staying home all day until my best friend gets out of work; and then going to her house and crying with her. I'm sure she's getting tired of it; as is her husband. I have been doing nothing. I haven't gone out, cleaned my apartment, cooked a meal, or even really lived in quite a long time. So today, I woke up around 11:30 (which is good for me), got dressed, went and got myself lunch (which I ate at the Sea Wall, beautiful!), went grocery shopping; and I'm going to cook a chicken/asparagus casserole to have my sister and her boyfriend over for dinner.

I know these things sound common and simple, but for me, it was a great big step in the right direction! I had no fear of being alone. I accomplished daily tasks without having a meltdown. I saw a little boy with his young mother in the market, and was able to speak to them and compliment her on how beautiful her son is, without being in a fit of jealous rage! I know these days only come every once in a while, but I like them. I feel like myself again, at least for now.

On another note, spring is here! I actually took this picture two years ago with a crappy digital camera. It was the day my cousin's daughter (my goddaughter), Helena, was born; and on my way out to visit them in the hospital, I saw this single, beautiful lily in (then my house) my mother's front yard. I took a picture, and it came out amazing! I can't use it for this week's spring/Easter theme at I Heart Faces, because, well, there's no face in it. But I like it, so I wanted to share!

P.S. - I need sponsors for March for Babies!! The walk is in 12 days! If you have even an extra $10 to spare, I would truly appreciate your donation. You can sponsor me online on My Personal Page; or send me cash or check; for which, you can email me at Jacquelyn925@aol.com for the address.

I hope everyone is enjoying spring, wherever you are!

Conflict and Progress

2009-04-13T12:47:00.004-04:00

So, I almost told my Mom yesterday. (If you're confused, read "My Story, My Son; How My Angel Earned His Wings" -----> to the right.) It was Easter, and I practiced all the way up to my Mom's house. What I would say, how I would help her understand. I had it all figured out. My brother would be upstairs playing video games, and she'd be in the kitchen, making Easter dinner. We'd have some time alone and I could tell her all about the little light in my life I call Trevor. I want her to love him like I do. I want her to be able to know she has a little grandson up there with my Dad in Heaven; and that they're having the time of their (after-)lives. I want her to know, that even though she had a stillborn daughter before even I was born, that she's not alone.

I got there, and chaos it was. My mom's upstairs, yelling down, asking my brother what the hell he did with all her laundry. Bro's in the living room, running back and forth with the dog like a crazy person. My uncle is there, making some food in the kitchen, singing a tune. It just didn't seem like a good time. So I think, I'll tell my Mom and brother when we're visiting my Dad's grave. We go to my Grandma's house, and on the way back, stop at the cemetery. We were planting flowers, but the wind chill is like negative 40,000 degrees for some reason, and we're all too busy swearing at how cold it is, and trying to dig up dirt to plant tulips, that it's just not do-able (welcome to my family, by the way). I never ended up telling Grandma about my little Angel. There just wasn't a good time. But I realized later, there never really is a "good time" to have a conversation like that. I was thinking of writing her a letter about it, and just giving it to her and not being there when she reads it. I know that's the chicken way of doing it; but I've been keeping it from her from so long I almost don't know if I want to tell her. I remember reading on a blog (don't remember where), how sad this mother felt because her mother, Angel's grandmother, was also grieving for her child's loss. I don't want my mother to even know I'm suffering like that. I don't want her to see the pain in my eyes; and she will. I know what it's like to see your child in pain, and not be able to help them. I don't want her to have to grieve another person, her grandson; her only grandchild so far. I AM SO TIRED OF LYING! I AM TIRED OF HIDING MY SON FROM THE WORLD! But then again, if I tell my family, I have to go through it all over again. For the third time. I am making progress, and I feel like I'll end up taking a step back. I am so conflicted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a sort of brighter note, I have made more progress. Just a little thing, but I feel great about it. My friend (who has two children) and I were in the drugstore on Saturday, and she was trying to get some last-minute things for her kids for Easter. She looked at me, and knew I was upset because I have no little boy to buy an Easter present for. She said something that changed my views completely. She said, "You know, you do have a son. He might not be here, but you do have him. If you want to get him something for Easter, you should get him something for Easter." So I did. He would be four-and-almost-a-half right now. I was thinking, he's a little old for stuffed bunnies, but I think these are cute. I said, "A four-year-old boy would think this was stupid." She said, "Not a sweet one." Trevor would certainly be a "sweet one"! So I got a baby blue stuffed bunny with a plastic container full of jelly beans, that says "Happy Easter".

I wrote the date and occasion (in case some day it's not obvious what holiday the bunny was for, lol) on the back of the tag. From now on, I am going to get Trev something for holidays. I DO HAVE A SON. I AM A MOTHER. We just have a different kind of mother-son relationship than others.

Demons

2009-04-09T14:13:00.003-04:00

I feel like it's been a few days since I've posted. I don't know what to say, really. I'm still miserable, still waking up every day almost wishing I hadn't. The little "signs" from my son have really quieted down...and I don't like that. I almost never catch the clock at 22 past the hour anymore, which I always have...and I definitely don't like that. Just as I felt that Trevor was always with me and close to me, now I feel like he's slipping away. I know that sounds stupid to begin with, because, well he never was really here at home with me, anyway. But to me, I feel like he's fading over the past few days. I want his little Angel spirit with me always!

Also, I had the most heartbreaking, terrible, horrifying nightmare of my life, the night before last. I dreamt I was in a giant black "room" (felt like a black hole to me), and way on the opposite side is the tiniest bit of light shining on my son. He's curled up in a ball, sitting on the floor and crying. He's SCREAMING for me. "Mama, HELP ME! Why won't you help me? Mama, please help me!" Then these very tall, frightening "men" wearing all black robes and black wings come to me and say "If you speak, we'll hurt him. If you move, we'll slowly and painfully kill Trevor" They used his name! The thing is, as much as I wanted to save my son, I physically couldn't move or speak. Trevor just keeps saying, "Mama, why won't you help me? Why won't you come save me?" ...and I can't even speak to tell him that I can't even move! But I manage to ask questions to these "men". I ask who they are, "We're angels," they say. I tell them "No you're not! Angels wouldn't hurt my baby! Where is Jesus? He'll tell you. He'll tell you you're not Angels! He'll fix this! Where is Jesus?" But they laugh and laugh at me, all the while Trevor is SCREAMING for me, and I can't help him. They tell me, "if you wake up, Trevor dies." So I try to stay asleep! The weirdest thing is, I slept almost all day! It definitely ruined my day yesterday, I'll tell you that. It was so real! I woke up drenched with tears! I don't know what that dream was about, but I sure as hell don't like it.

Then, the little "signs" from Trevor die down, and I stop seeing the 22 after the hour. I just don't like it, at all.

I Heart Faces: "My Friend and I"

2009-04-07T01:27:00.006-04:00

Adult Category

My best friend Kaleigh and I.

We've been friends almost 10 years,

and I don't know what I'd do without her.

If you haven't seen it yet, visit

http://www.iheartfaces.blogspot.com

Very cute, highly recommended!

Bi-Polar!

2009-04-06T00:17:00.002-04:00

Wow, what a topsy-turvy day! I'm happy, then I'm sad; I'm okay, then I'm falling apart. I don't know from one minute to the next where I'll be mentally!

Church was great tonight. I cried my eyes out, but I always do. I always end up thinking of Trevor somehow. Someone always says something! But, I'm okay with that. If you can't lose it in church, where can you feel safe? So, we had a guest speaker, Brother Gibbs. What a great guy! I was so moved by his words. I only wish I was a better person for it.

I have got to change something in my life. I'm not right. Really. I have no job, I can't ever finish a semester of school, I barely see any of my friends except one anymore; I go to bed at 6AM and sleep until 3PM, I've been getting wasted every weekend. I am so unhappy with myself. It's like, I'm spiraling downward and I can't stop it. I blame it on being a grieving mother; but really, that's not the way to handle this! I am just so lost. It seems like every time there's prospectively something good coming my way, it's gone in the blink of an eye!

Like this guy. He goes the to the church I've been going to. We've only spoken once, but I'm completely smitten! It's ridiculous! From the first day I started going there, I was all distracted and told my friend I thought he was cute. It's so weird, because her and I have both agreed he is so not my type! He's apparently younger than me, which is not something I've ever been okay with. He's kind of a dork, but he's so cute to me. There's something about him that makes it impossible not to melt every time he looks at me; and it makes no sense! I have a crush like a 12-year-old! Well, anyway I found out he's been with the same girl for years. He loves her. Of course he does. My friend has convinced me that he smiles and stares and mildly flirts with me; which I thought too. But once again all my hopes came crashing down. He's just a nice kid, it ends there. I got excited...and look what happened. Even though I know he's untouchable, I still can't help but smile back. I suppose I'll have to settle for that.

This entry is a perfect example of my mindflow today. All over the place, up and down. I've got to get out of this rut I'm stuck in. Something's got to change. I've got to change.

Angel Always With Me

2009-04-02T17:05:00.004-04:00

So today is a little bit better than usual. Bittersweet, I guess. It's cold and rainy out and I hate this weather. But for some reason there is a stillness and peace about it. This morning I was sitting here on the computer and something in my bathroom down the hall basically threw itself off the counter. It made a HUGE noise! I talk to my son frequently, so I said "Trev, is that you?" Right after I asked, my alarm went off in the bedroom! It wasn't set or anything! It's almost like he had me chasing him around the apartment for fun.

It was fun. Call me crazy, but I know my little boy is trying to show me he's okay. Ever since I started honoring his life, he's been giving a little bit back. Even just a few minutes ago I heard giggling. Which is not odd, since there's a daycare in my apartment complex...but there are no children outside today, it's raining!

Believe what you will, I know these things don't make sense. But I believe them; I believe my son is with me. So at least I can find comfort in these little signs. Either way, I'm having a good day because of it...and I haven't have many of those lately.

All The Little Ponies: The new normal...

2009-04-01T17:10:00.000-04:00

All The Little Ponies: The new normal...

This captures EVERYTHING I feel about life after Trevor. Anyone who hasn't seen this needs to read it. It will let you know you're not alone.

In response to your help...

2009-04-01T16:00:00.000-04:00

Thank you all for your help and concerns.

I don't know anything about them sending his placenta away. I know Nicholas didn't even give them my real name. They had no history on me, nothing. In a way then, it is my fault, too. But at the time I was 19, stupid, and not realizing how later on in life I would regret these things so much. As much as I want to know the truth, I almost don't (does that make sense?)

Gestational diabetes is something I didn't even know could cause weight gain in a baby. Three of my cousins went through that with almost all of their children, so it's possible. This is the thing, I hate being uneducated on the topic, but I don't even know where to begin the research. And I only recently started letting my son's memory into my mind, unfortunately...so even if he was born four years ago, it's all new to me.

The thing that made me so mad was seeing all these stories and videos of 22-weekers (and even one 21-weeker!), who survived. The thing is, even if it was procedure not to save a baby at 22 weeks, wouldn't his bigger size warrant them at least a try? 1lb. 6oz. is a big boy for 22 weeks! He might've been 9+lbs. at full term!

I don't know, but over all I am under the impression that no one even tried to save my son; and that, infuriates me.

What REALLY happened?

2009-04-01T00:32:00.000-04:00

I feel the need to write tonight. I don't know where to start or really what the exact topic is, but I have to get something out. I've been thinking a lot about the night my son was born/died, and a lot doesn't make sense. I'm starting to think that Trevor's father had ulterior motives, and maybe things could have been different. I really was out of it on all kinds of medications that night; a lot of things are fuzzy. Most of it, actually. My ex was the one who told me a lot of what happened; and I'm beginning to wonder if he was totally truthful. First of all, I know I did a lot of things to probably harm my son while I was pregnant: I drank wine the night I found out, I drank a lot of coffee, I didn't go to doctor's appointments, for fear my Mom would find out, etc. He was a preemie, that's for sure; and that couldn't be Nicholas' doing. But the only thing I'm sure the doctors told me was his weight, 1lb. 6oz. Which, I'm coming to realize is almost too big to be a 22-weeker.

It was Nicholas who told me I was 22 weeks along. Trevor could have been more developed than that; he could have lied. Which means, my son may have been plenty big enough to put on breathing machines! I've heard stories of 13oz. preemies who were put on breathing machines! If that's the case, I almost wonder if Nicholas told them not to save our son? I wonder if he thought it would be better for everyone? I'm not saying he did it for malicious reasons (though he may have); he may have thought he was saving little man from suffering. But in that case, even if I'm drugged, does the hospital have the right to do that without my permission? My problem is, I wasn't coherent and before we got there we made the decision that we didn't want anyone to find out if Trev didn't make it. So maybe Nicholas thought he was doing the right thing? Or maybe, most likely...he didn't tell them not to save Trevor?

But judging from other stories I've heard, it makes NO SENSE for: a) a 1lb.6oz. baby to be only 22 weeks along, b) for a baby that size to have lungs not big enough to expand, or c) for the hospital not to take footprints/pictures, and give me no memory box? It seems everyone else has those things! I vaguely remember Nicholas saying "We don't want any evidence." EVIDENCE? That's what you call our son's footprints and belongings? EVIDENCE!?!?!?! Little things like that make me realize that maybe he didn't want our son at all. What if he made the decision not to save my little Angel? What if my son could have survived, even for a while longer? What if Trevor could be here with me today?

I know this all sounds crazy, but I don't know enough or remember enough to perceive what really went on that night. I feel like a terrible mother for not knowing enough about my own son's premature condition to know what actually happened to him. All I know is, I've recently lost trust that Nicholas is a good guy; and a lot of things about my son's death don't add up. If you, readers, know anything like this about preemies and age/size/breathing machines, please let me know. I would rather be hurt by the truth than not know what really happened to my son...

Break My Dreams

2009-03-30T01:32:00.000-04:00

Okay, so last night I tried to, for the first time in a LONG time, go out and have a good time. I should have known better! My cousin and his girlfriend just turned 21 this month, so we decided to go out to a local bar and have a few celebratory cocktails. I ran into some friends from high school, and it was overall a fun and endearing situation. I was having a great time. How I missed this next part coming is beyond me. We were at a bar down near my house, called Gillian's. I guess it's a popular place to be in South County. Which I knew; I was the one who wanted to go there.

I see a group of guys leaving. Somehow, I didn't see them at all the half hour I had been there. I take a sip of my drink, realize who's walking out, stop everything I'm doing, and all in one motion I see him. "Nicholas", Trevor's father. We haven't spoken or seen each other face-to-face in over two years. I guess until now I had let go of all the animosity. I had started coming to terms with the fact that he's a good guy, and maybe we're just different people. But in that moment, I remembered why we are apart. He looked at me, as if to try and cut me with his eyes. Those green eyes that once melted my heart are now piercing me like a knife. I've almost never seen him so angry. I've never seen so much hatred in those eyes. I'm wondering, what went through his mind?

I always knew this day would come. We live in the smallest state, and even living at opposite ends of it we're only half an hour away. But why, in such a small state is someone from half and hour away at Gillian's? I was almost hoping lately that we'd run into each other. I thought, maybe it would ease my mind. Instead, it's tossed me up in the air, and I don't know how to land without crashing. I know we were in a fight last time we spoke; I know we (obviously) have a history, but why was he so horrible? Even the people I had run into at the bar, were shocked and angry at the look he gave me. He said nothing, yet he said so much. That's always been his way, though. Always.

I have never been more hurt. I'm starting to dislike myself again. He always had me brainwashed into thinking I was the scum on the bottom of his shoe; that he was better than me and I'd never amount to anything. I don't know that he's ever said that out loud, but he might as well have over the years. Here I am all this time giving him credit! Thinking he just didn't know how to deal with Trevor's death and maybe he just couldn't handle it all. But now I think he's really just a horrible person. After all we've been through, not only do you not say hello, you CRUSH me like that? What happened to the boy I fell in love with? Where is the boy who was helping me through my frightened teenage pregnancy, who wanted to marry me and take care of his son? I know you're probably reading this and thinking I'm overreacting; it was just a look. But that look, said a thousand hurtful and horrible things in one instant.

What's worse is I chased him! He walked out the doors and I RAN after him! He didn't notice, and I stopped myself at the outside door, but how pathetic am I? I didn't know what else to do! I had so much to say, so many questions to ask him. I let him walk away. Even if we fought, at least I'd know for sure what he's thinking. I thought I didn't care about him. I thought I was past this! I thought I had convinced myself I wasn't worthless, and that Nicholas wasn't going to dictate the way I live my life.

I wonder if he heard through the grapevine (i.e., my dear, but incapable-of-keeping-her-mouth-shut friend, Courtney) that I've been opening up about Trevor. I know we always said we'd never talk about it; but that's not fair! I WON'T forget my son and act like he never existed. I WILL NOT. I don't care if Nicholas flips out, denies it, hates me, threatens me...the one thing I will not do is go back to not talking about my son. He is MY SON, not some accident that happened four years ago that I'm going to push to the back of my mind and erase. I did that for four f***ing years, and I won't waste another day not remembering that precious little life.

I'm sorry for rambling, swearing, getting mad, etc. I just had to get it out. Now there's another whole side to my pain. Another thing to be angry about; another thing to "mourn", if you will. I loved Nicholas in my memory as a lost boy who happened to handle our tragedy poorly. Now, again, he's just the a**hole who tore my heart out and stomped on it.

Under The Tree - March

2009-03-27T16:59:00.000-04:00

Do you have a special place in your home for your baby/ies? What is it like? Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby/ies?

I don't. Unfortunately, a lot of people who come and visit me don't know about Trevor. (Read the entry, "How My Angel Earned His Wings" if you're curious.) I have the picture of his name in the sand in a frame, but I put it away when company is coming. It's sad, honestly. But at this point, there's nothing I can do. I am planning on having the few people that know come with me to the beach to release 22 blue balloons in his honor when it gets warmer. This will be the first time I've celebrated his life; instead of mourning it.

If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby/ies? Have you ever felt their presence? Do you find them in nature? Do they visit you in your dreams?

I definitely believe in God and Heaven. I know my little man is with Him. I get signs from Trevor all the time! Even if it's just a little opening in the clouds where the sun is shining through. Or a breeze, or the stars. When I'm at my friends' house, her kids' toys go off all the time when no one is near them. There's a particular one that has gone off almost every time I sit near it or walk by...even if it's turned off! I hear faint giggling, and things knock themselves over all the time. Typical 4-year-old boy! I once had a very vivid dream about my son. He was standing right next to my bed, saying, "Mama, I love you. I'm okay." I coudn't touch him...he was just out of reach! I've never dreamed anything that felt so real.

Do you have a special poem, song, prayer or quote in memory of your baby/ies?

I LOVE LOVE LOVE "Lay Me Down" by Hanson. It's literally written about laying your child to rest. It was inspired by a trip the brothers took to Africa, on which they witnessed first-hand the heartbreak of parents burying their children every day because of AIDS. My son left me for different reasons; but it really hits home.

http://www.imeem.com/people/ZRM56SE/music/GyBtN018/hanson-lay-me-down/

Also, their song "Broken Angel" reminds me a lot of a baby who came too early, like Trevor.

http://www.imeem.com/jukeboxmusic9/music/TdVk7rWN/hanson-broken-angel-lp-version/

For those "Baby Lost Mamas" who don't know about Under The Tree, you should check it out:

http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/2009/03/under-tree-march.html

A Good Day...For Once

2009-03-26T02:24:00.000-04:00

So today I had a sort of "revelation", if you will. I was taking the 20-minute drive home from Westerly, and it was around the time the sun begins to set. I was driving along, listening to my favorite music, and suddenly, I felt so at peace; for the first time in a long time. I don't know what it was: the trees, the clouds, the light pink color the sky was turning, or what; but I thought, that's God. If that's not something that shows me who God is, I don't know what is.

I thought about my son in that moment. For the first time, instead of feeling sad, I was relieved. Relieved to think he's up there with God in Heaven. I thought, good for him. I'm happy for you, little man. So Trevor, Mama loves you; and I know you're happy where you are. That's all that matters to me now. I'm sure I will have my share of bad days to come, but today wasn't one of them. I'm glad for that.

How My Angel Earned His Wings

2009-03-23T16:50:00.001-04:00

This is my first post, so I guess I'll tell you my story:

I was eighteen years old, and in what I thought was love. We'll call him "Nicholas". We had met almost two years earlier and it was infatuation at first sight. His eyes were so green it took my breath away every time I looked at him. He was starting his second year of college, and we had talked about how we wanted to wait until after graduation to get married or even consider having children.

It was late August, 2004, and I knew something was going on. I guess I knew what that something was, but for a while I didn't want to admit it. I finally braved it one night and made two of my girlfriends take a pregnancy test with me, so I would feel less frightened. When I got a positive, I panicked. I buried it in the trash can, said I had "missed" and took the extra one and ran it under the sink. "Negative". The whole point of them being there was that I knew they'd be there for me; but when it was real, I was so ashamed of myself that even my two best friends felt untrustworthy.

Being 18-years-intelligent, I then proceeded to drink the jug of wine my friend had gotten for that night's get-together. Not because I wanted to harm the baby, even for a second; but because I was young, afraid, and didn't know what else to do. (I still think it may have caused my precious son some damage.) Then, Nicholas heads down to the party and when he gets there, I can't even speak to him. He knows something is wrong, but I won't tell him what. We end up fighting, and I take a nice barefoot, drunk walk up to the main road. I was ridiculous. To this day, I don't know what came over me. It was pathetic; I mean, really. Again, I just didn't know what else to do.

On the way home, we're not even speaking. I turn to Nicholas and say, "You're going to be a Dad. I don't care if you walk away, but I'm keeping our baby; with or without you." He said nothing. That nothing, has defined the rest of my life. We get to my house, and as I'm getting out of the car, he yells "Baby, wait!" He RUNS to me and grabs me tighter than ever before. "It's gonna be okay. I love you." I suppose that's the best a 19-year-old boy can do.

Flash-forward a month. I'm turning 19, and I'm 4 months pregnant. At this point, I'm ecstatic; but terrified. We have yet to muster the strength to tell anyone other than his sister; one of my best friends. I am by no means a thin girl with a flat stomach, so it's easy to hide. I went to only one doctor's appointment, for fear that my mother would somehow find out; but we know it's a boy, and last we knew, a healthy one. We've decided to name him Trevor. Nicholas is being really great about it all. He's saving money and we're looking for apartments, figuring at least one of us would be kicked out of our parents' house. But overall, we're doing great. We love each other.

Then there was that day. The weather was weird, I felt weird, Nicholas felt weird. We didn't know why. Something about that day was just so off. November 22, 2004. We decided to try and get out; so Nicholas, his sister "Elizabeth", and I went to dinner. We're at Chili's, and I start feeling weird. A little crampy, but nothing drastic. But I feel really, really dizzy. I thought I was going to pass out. I got very nauseous, and went to the bathroom. Then I knew. There was blood; and a lot of it. I won't go into details, but it was horrifying. Here I am, in a Chili's bathroom, 19, pregnant, possibly losing my baby, and I can't even call my Mama. Elizabeth came in to check on me after a few minutes. I said, "I'm bleeding," and she flipped out. She made a bigger scene than I would have liked, but she was just trying to help.

We drive to a hospital 45 minutes away, because we were stupid enough to let people we knew finding out be our biggest concern. In and out of consciousness, I remember two things: praying (and I was NOT a religious person), and telling my son I was sorry. We get to the hospital, and they pumped me with more drugs than I ever care to take in a lifetime. I remember them telling me "You're gonna have to deliver now, sweetheart." But I was not going for it. I knew my son was too little; it was too early. I don't remember much after that.

Trevor Michael was born at 11:22 (on 11/22), and it was determined I had been 22 weeks pregnant. I had just delivered a 1lb. 60z. baby boy, and for now, he was alive. They took him from me. Whisked him away and didn't tell me anything. Nicholas was crying. I've never seen him so frightened. They bring my son back to me and tell me there's nothing they can do. His lungs aren't big enough to expand with breathing machines. They thought they'd let me hold him through it all. He couldn't quite cry; more like a whimper. He was fighting so hard to breathe, but it just wasn't working. I couldn't do anything to save my son. Here he was, the little boy I had dreamed about for so long; and I couldn't help him. I screamed so loud the whole hospital must have heard it. "I WANT YOU TO HELP MY SON. PLEASE HELP MY SON, HE CAN'T BREATHE." But they couldn't. So they took him from me, again. He didn't even die peacefully in his mother's arms.

Time of death: 11:44PM (he was here on earth for 22 minutes). They wrapped him up in a little blanket with a little blue knit cap and brought our son back to us. Nicholas held him and told him we were sorry. That we loved him and we'd never forget him. Then I held my son's lifeless body in my arms and lost my mind. I've never been the same.

Elizabeth arranged for Trevor to be buried in the next state over from us. She, Nicholas and I were the only ones there. I never publicly acknowledged my son's existence, and it kills me every day. I didn't know what I was doing. Please understand, I was still, after all, just a kid. Elizabeth took one picture of Trevor, in his casket (seen above). It may sound strange to you, but it's all I have.

I never told my parents. He never told his. We erased it. We erased our son. Nicholas and I broke up in January 2007. We've never spoken since. For various reasons (some pertaining to not talking about our son, some not), I can never forgive him. I wish sometimes he was here to talk to about our son; but I know it's for the best.

Recently, I started opening up. I told my best friend about Trevor. I say his name out loud. I celebrate his life. What happened is, I repressed my emotions, and now, four years later I feel like I lost my son yesterday. I've met some other parents who have lost children. It's comforting to know I'm not alone, but it's still intolerable. Thank God for my best friend. She has helped me through this in ways I can never describe. I think honestly, I might not be here if it wasn't for her. Every day is a battle, but I guess that's life. I started this blog, so that's a step in the right direction.

That's my story, I hope it can help someone.